Any hope for my failing marriage?

[booboo]

Gems on the Family
Husbands Should Honor Their Wives
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"As fathers we should have love unbounded for the mothers of our
children. We should accord to them the gratitude, respect, and praise that
they deserve. Husbands, to keep alive the spirit of romance in your
marriage, be considerate and kind in the tender intimacies of your married
life. Let your thoughts and actions inspire confidence and trust. Let your
words be wholesome and your time together be uplifting. Let nothing in life
take priority over your wife--neither work, recreation, nor
hobby."

(Russell M. Nelson, ""Our Sacred Duty to Honor Women,"" Ensign, May 1999, 39)

A family that Prays together stays Together that is the first step!

[LegendadryPerc]

Advise - not fact or anything...
Schooling, carreer, these things don't matter. They aren't the important things in life. Don't let even something as significant as financial security, overshadow what is truely important - your unconditional love for each other, your family. The rest is all superficial. (and yes, it's true even if your starving to death.)
Is he going to school because he wants to? If he's "doing it for his family" is it because he WANTS to do it for his family, or because he feels obligated to? Often when one does something out of obligation, they feel that those they are doing it for, somehow owe them something. This is a very bad thing in a family relationship. A marriage is not a business deal, and ALL things should be done out of a desire to love, not out of obligation or negotiation. He will have to realize this on his own, but don't play into it. Make it clear to him that HIS choice to continue school is his to make, and that you don't owe him anything for it.
As far as debt and credit - his credit is your credit. Cancel the credit cards, even get rid of a bank account (I'm assuming you don't have tons of money to put in one anyway.) People are on different levels of being able to handle money, and you shouldn't have to suffer bad credit (anymore than you already are/will) because he is not able to handle the world of credit.
If he had tiolet training issues and you ended up bearing the brunt of cleaning up after him, would it be easier to accept than his anger? I am glad that you know that these are HIS issues. Make sure your kids realize that too. But this means he needs extra love and understanding, not more self righteousness from someone who doesn't struggle with anger. It is a problem and a "disease". Treat him compasionately, how you would treat a screaming baby who was teathing. It is a problem, support him while he deals with it. (this doesn't mean lie to him with your actions and submit to it - simply don't call him evil for having a very real problem.)
Throwing scripture verses at you - that is HORRIBLE!!!!! Some people can stand to be patient while their spouse deals with a drinking problem or something. Some people love their spouse and their marriage that much. I do not blame those who do not.
From what you say, your husband may not be "normal". This does not mean he has a problem, but that your expectations and how you expect to interact with him may be completely unrealistic for who he is and how he sees the world. Perhaps you could find a support group for those whose loved ones also resemble him. They may have family saving advise on how to live with and love someone with your husbands unique attributes.

I do understand that some advise could even (depending on the situation and what you are willing to sacrifice) lead to divorce. Actions are only righteous if they are done from the heart. Grudging sacrifice, cannot make one happy. An honest divorce is better than a fake marriage. Wickedness never was happiness. Marriage is not stagnant, though, so I would warn against assuming an unhappy marriage now, will be unhappy in the future. It took us 7 years before we started figuring it out. I am so gratefull my husband stuck it out those 7 years. I cannot imagine not being married to my true love, right now!

[rena_goldmoon]

I just have to say that one thing that you have to consider is the effect this is having on your children. If hes is yelling and cussing in front of your children this is considered child abuse. I know from exspirience what effect that has on a child. My father had anger issues and took it out in front of and on us children. I have had to work through serious self esteem problems and both of my brothers have serious anger and relationship issues. Also my sister inlaw decided to "stick it out for awhile" and her 2yr old ended up with a serious eating dissorder caused by stress. Granted her husband was physically abusive as well but he was mainly emotionally abusive in front of the kids. He also refused counseling. Marriage is a 2 person realationship. The only way you can work it out is if both of you are willing. Over and over as we were going through the domestic violence thing with my sister in law we found that the only way someone with problems like that will get help is if they feel there is a real need for them to get help. You cant force them you have to step back and say "hey either we are going to work together and fix this or we are not and if we are not I have to do whats best for the kids." Also it seems to me what is lacking in your realationship is communication and trust and in order to trust you have to lay it all out there on the table and lovingly work through it. I do not know your situation but my sister in law is working with an LDS counsiler that is helping her alot. Her 2yr old is now eating fine and has started to say her first words now that she is out of that enviroment. Now I am not counceling you to get a divorce but mainly trying to help you realise your marriage does not involve just you and him and may cause seriouse problems with your children. Also my sister in law met a women in a shelter who had stayed with her husband for 35yrs and was barely leaving because she had finely realised he wasnt willing to change. So working it out is the best thing but if your BOTH are not willing it cant work. Im not saying your doomed for failure only that you and your husband need to have a serious talk now before anymore damage is done and realise that feelings aside you both need to be adults and own up to problems and fix them or your hurting your kids. Oh sorry for the long rant I just have serious emotions connected to this topic and thought I needed to get that out. Oh and also I am not suggesting your husband has domestic abuse problems but he obviously has control issues. Hope this was helpful and not just a long rant of insanity.

[Adeipho]

my mother told me about a dream she had once...

She was having a lot of challenges and hardships in her life and she felt like she was at her breaking point.


In her dream she described holding a basket or container filled with manure. She said she felt the manure symbolised all of her problems. Like life was dealing her crap-o-la. She said in the dream she took her problems *the manure* to the Lord as she had always been told to do. We are supposed to give our problems to the Lord for his yolk is light right?... Well, in her dream when she tried to leave her problems with Heavenly Father, his responce was "I dont want that anymore than you do. Drop it."
And suddenly everything was very clear. It wasnt that Heavenly Father didnt want to help my mom or take her problems...it was the fact that her problems were just what they seemed to be...MANURE. Something to just be dropped.

My point is this, you're problems may not be the mountian of manure you're invisioning. Perhaps if you stop making your marriage an issue for a little while and just relax, enjoy your husband, tell him you're going to drop the issue and tell him how you're going to do what you can to make him happier and that you simply expect the same from him for you in return and leave it at that. Test it out see if it works. Apply the Lord's teachings and principals and then just live! Just love.

But dont forget to expect him to be a man. Making him happier doesnt negate his duties to you and your family.

Just a thought. A very abstract thought.

PS I noticed in the reply above mine that perhaps he is yelling and swearing at you and/or the kids....possibly there is abuse going on??? I did not read the entire thread and if this is the case, FORGET EVERYTHING I JUST SAID and DEMAND he repent and change or you're gonna be out the door. There is zero excuse for abuse.

[fish4kitty]

Very difficult situation. For starters counseling to a man is like saying something is broken that I can't fix. If your Hubby don't see it He won't seek help. Yes it's a control issue. Been there done that. My wife and I just celebrated our 17th year together yesterday and we go to counseling just so we have a witness LOL no but seriously we go just so we know we are on the same page still. 2. I'd be more than a little ticked still about the affair...Forgiven but not forgotten only time will heal that wound. Good luck Sister !!

[Islander]

Originally Posted by Keks3082

(PARDON ME, LET'S NOT SAY FAILING, BUT RATHER...TRYING MARRIAGE)
I'm new to the forums, and I'm so grateful I've found this place and look forward to lots of hope, strength, and encouragement.

-He being in school for 6 yrs of marriage and only now has started his 1st yr of medical school (which is a very long road to go still) has brought much hardships...personal/family debt issues, disagreements, etc.
-communication has always lacked - my husband is an introvert and he'll give me the silent treatment for days to a week at a time. After all these years, I find the "sizzle" has been fading.
-seems to have anger and controlling issues and I can't bear it anymore. It's turned me off completely, and intimacy has been lacking for years. He's a very good person, but often times I feel something is "wrong" when during very heated arguments, he'll bring up something from the scriptures or a G.C. talk, etc. to put me down or shut me up....is that an "ok" way to use the priesthood and counsel with your wife?

I sought counseling our 1st yr, was diagnosed with depression 2nd yr (and I am not a depressed person)and sought counseling again, and sought help from bishops and more LDS counseling recently. My emotional needs and love tank have been running on empty, and a year ago, I made a horrible mistake I absolutely do not justify - I had an affair, but I have since run away from that and taking the appropriate steps to get back to where I need to be.
My husband has always from the 1st year been hesitant to getting counseling together.

Right now he wants out, I've felt that many times as well because I don't see how I can be happy with him for the rest of my life, particularly with his controlling actions and inability to fill my emotional needs. What would help is if every single couple entering marriage had some hard core counseling and education training together, because it can be the most difficult thing in the world, yet the most important.

The last thing I will do is turn my back to God. He has been my greatest source of strength. Any hope for my life, our family, my two precious innocent children?

With whatever hope I have left....
Thank you.

My heart go out to you. Much has been offered already by way of posts in the forum. My viewpoints can, at times, appear somewhat insensitive but I promise is not intentional. My history is quite complicated and I learned to separate reality from response quite some time ago. What I mean is that regardless of how I "feel" I must do what is reasonable, healthy, sound and wise. That is not always easy for some people but any other solution is bound to be sub-optimal in the long run.

Counseling, in my opinion HAS to be solution-centered. Venting and commiserating only goes so far and the issues would be still pending. You can only do as much as you can do since marriage has to be a partnership. It is not clear to me if he wants out because you had an affair and he has not been able to deal with it (very likely) or if he just wants to bail out because he does not want to do anything else for his marriage and family.

Counseling must be geared towards 1. Assessing how bad things are and 2. Determine if the situation is salvageable and what it would take to salvage the wreck.

Another factual consideration is that scummy guys (I am making a value judgment here based on your descriptions) need to impress others in order to boost their own self image. Since he has behaved quite badly with you for a very long time he has little in terms of credibility. You know and seen him at his worst so he HAS to find a new chick to impress and pretend everything he is NOT. Strangers work really well for that scam so you will not cut it.

I sincerely wish you could save your marriage. But wishful thinking will not help you at this point. You will need all the faith you can muster to take the next step. In which direction? it is up to you.

My prayers go out to you. Do what you can, please, to shield the children from this ugly chapter of your life. Their future can be better still.

[hankpac]

Med School is NOT a normal environment. Every day, all day, major pressure, far beyond what a spouse will realize. Not to mention 36 hours of shift work and call duty two or three times a week. The demands of medical school will break you if you let it.
This is a time when the person in med school has to fully focus without distractions and worries.
You are in trouble, but it can be salvaged. Some of the strongest marriages I have ever seen are my own and other married practitioners of medicine. But med school is very, very tough.
Whatever you are going through NOW is nothing compared to what is coming.
ONe has to decide and keep telling themselves "this is worth it, I gotta focus on completing this".
I'll tell you this: He won't complete med school with this kind of turmoil in his life.

[littleadventures]

My heart goes out to you and your family. It sounds like your husband may be dealing with an addiction, based on his reactions or responses. Don't jump in and accuse or that will end your marriage faster than anything. Rather do a little research. Does he spend a lot of time on the Internet? Does he take any kind of over the counter medicine? Gamble? There are a lot of addictions that people deal with and often times they do it in secret. My husband was a lot like your husband and my counselor helped me discover my husband was addicted to online gambling and had lost our entire retirement and racked up thousands on credit cards. It has been a rough road but we are still together. Through love he has been able to make a lot of changes. I hope and pray every day that our marriage survives but also know that addiction is serious and difficult to overcome. Best of luck and please get you a good counselor for yourself even if he doesn't want to participate. Most likely he doesn't want to go because he knows what the root of the problem is but he doesn't want to take responsibility.

[Rico]

Wow! Everyone seems to be piling on the husband. Remember there is always two sides to a story and we are hearing but one side of the story...and it doesn't sound good.

Originally Posted by Keks3082

My emotional needs and love tank have been running on empty, and a year ago, I made a horrible mistake I absolutely do not justify - I had an affair, but I have since run away from that and taking the appropriate steps to get back to where I need to be.

You violated the trust of your husband, your children and your covenant. You violated one of the most sacred laws in the Church, the Law of Chastity. You need counseling. You should go to counseling alone, whether he comes or not. You need it. You need to stop blaming him for the problems in your marriage and focus on being the wife that you should be.

Husbands have responsibilities and wives have responsibilities. Both need to ensure that they are doing their responsibilities to the best of their abilities. You have no right to complain unless you are fulfilling your part of the covenant to the best of your ability. That's what you need to do right now. Get your life right, 100%, rebuild the trust in your marriage that you destroyed. Then, see if he'll come around.

Some here have demonized your husband, but I am here to say that you've got a more caring one than most. Not very many husbands would stick around after their wife has an affair. There's no doubt that he loves you, but he has plenty of reasons to doubt your love for him. Think about it.

[Hemidakota]

Originally Posted by Keks3082

(PARDON ME, LET'S NOT SAY FAILING, BUT RATHER...TRYING MARRIAGE)
I'm new to the forums, and I'm so grateful I've found this place and look forward to lots of hope, strength, and encouragement.

My husband and I were married/sealed 6 yrs ago. We have two young children. Our testimonies have always been firm in the gospel. However, reality has hit our marriage and our marriage is in its deepest pit as of now:
-He being in school for 6 yrs of marriage and only now has started his 1st yr of medical school (which is a very long road to go still) has brought much hardships...personal/family debt issues, disagreements, etc.
-communication has always lacked - my husband is an introvert and he'll give me the silent treatment for days to a week at a time. After all these years, I find the "sizzle" has been fading.
-seems to have anger and controlling issues and I can't bear it anymore. It's turned me off completely, and intimacy has been lacking for years. He's a very good person, but often times I feel something is "wrong" when during very heated arguments, he'll bring up something from the scriptures or a G.C. talk, etc. to put me down or shut me up....is that an "ok" way to use the priesthood and counsel with your wife?

I sought counseling our 1st yr, was diagnosed with depression 2nd yr (and I am not a depressed person)and sought counseling again, and sought help from bishops and more LDS counseling recently. My emotional needs and love tank have been running on empty, and a year ago, I made a horrible mistake I absolutely do not justify - I had an affair, but I have since run away from that and taking the appropriate steps to get back to where I need to be.
My husband has always from the 1st year been hesitant to getting counseling together.

I just want our marriage to work, and I want my spouse to be my best friend that I feel I can share my feelings and opinions to without feeling he will explode because he's feeling nagged or attacked. Schooling and career indecisiveness, lack of providing for our family so to speak, not able and totally willing to work on communication issues, and me getting through the repentance process (and he still being unforgiving of that) is more than I can bear. How do you keep the love strong forever despite much hardships?

Our children have heard and seen too much yelling, swearing and contention from him and between us than I want and I don't want it to continue to affect them negatively. I always wanted marriage and my new family life to be 'perfect', and often times I feel like such a failure because of things that have impacted our children that cannot be erased.

Right now he wants out, I've felt that many times as well because I don't see how I can be happy with him for the rest of my life, particularly with his controlling actions and inability to fill my emotional needs. What would help is if every single couple entering marriage had some hard core counseling and education training together, because it can be the most difficult thing in the world, yet the most important.

The last thing I will do is turn my back to God. He has been my greatest source of strength. Any hope for my life, our family, my two precious innocent children?

With whatever hope I have left....
Thank you.

Based on what is given, he may be diagnosed with Manic Depression....he will need some meds to cope with life for now until he can ask for appropriate help from the Savior. Mood swings is a tough to deal with in seeing you have two children, bills, work, and grad work in being in med school. I noticed by reading, there are a few here that can provide additional light since they suffered the same...hard part for you right now, is that missing partner and a real family life that is filled with love.

I pray he would heed your council and listen to you in finding help.