Any hope for my failing marriage?

[Keks3082]

(PARDON ME, LET'S NOT SAY FAILING, BUT RATHER...TRYING MARRIAGE)
I'm new to the forums, and I'm so grateful I've found this place and look forward to lots of hope, strength, and encouragement.

My husband and I were married/sealed 6 yrs ago. We have two young children. Our testimonies have always been firm in the gospel. However, reality has hit our marriage and our marriage is in its deepest pit as of now:
-He being in school for 6 yrs of marriage and only now has started his 1st yr of medical school (which is a very long road to go still) has brought much hardships...personal/family debt issues, disagreements, etc.
-communication has always lacked - my husband is an introvert and he'll give me the silent treatment for days to a week at a time. After all these years, I find the "sizzle" has been fading.
-seems to have anger and controlling issues and I can't bear it anymore. It's turned me off completely, and intimacy has been lacking for years. He's a very good person, but often times I feel something is "wrong" when during very heated arguments, he'll bring up something from the scriptures or a G.C. talk, etc. to put me down or shut me up....is that an "ok" way to use the priesthood and counsel with your wife?

I sought counseling our 1st yr, was diagnosed with depression 2nd yr (and I am not a depressed person)and sought counseling again, and sought help from bishops and more LDS counseling recently. My emotional needs and love tank have been running on empty, and a year ago, I made a horrible mistake I absolutely do not justify - I had an affair, but I have since run away from that and taking the appropriate steps to get back to where I need to be.
My husband has always from the 1st year been hesitant to getting counseling together.

I just want our marriage to work, and I want my spouse to be my best friend that I feel I can share my feelings and opinions to without feeling he will explode because he's feeling nagged or attacked. Schooling and career indecisiveness, lack of providing for our family so to speak, not able and totally willing to work on communication issues, and me getting through the repentance process (and he still being unforgiving of that) is more than I can bear. How do you keep the love strong forever despite much hardships?

Our children have heard and seen too much yelling, swearing and contention from him and between us than I want and I don't want it to continue to affect them negatively. I always wanted marriage and my new family life to be 'perfect', and often times I feel like such a failure because of things that have impacted our children that cannot be erased.

Right now he wants out, I've felt that many times as well because I don't see how I can be happy with him for the rest of my life, particularly with his controlling actions and inability to fill my emotional needs. What would help is if every single couple entering marriage had some hard core counseling and education training together, because it can be the most difficult thing in the world, yet the most important.

The last thing I will do is turn my back to God. He has been my greatest source of strength. Any hope for my life, our family, my two precious innocent children?

With whatever hope I have left....
Thank you.

[WANDERER]

Hi and welcome to the forums. Sorry to hear that things are not so good.

Is your husband receiving separate marriage/life counselling or would he perhaps agree to this?

[Keks3082]

Hi,
My husband never seeks out counseling, and is always hesitant when I ask him to go with me if I have counseling set up. He disagrees with it because he feels it'll only be a bashing session on him (which I never intend for it to be that way!). I've asked him what he thought the solution to our marriage is. He says, "it's simple - we need to be doing more prayer and scripture reading, etc." He said for him, reading church books and fasting are what help him. Then why are we at our worst right now?! While I no doubt know those help and I am diligent with those, I feel we need WAY more help than just that, as we've taken that approach many times and look where we are now. There's deeper roots that need to be fixed and I can't seem to share my opinion with him how we need more help than just that.

[Optimistic_Trish]

If two people are willing to make a marriage work I think that you will. Communication is obviously a key to this. Do you fast and pray together? I know counseling may help you but if he is unwilling to go it will only make it worse for him to be forced into doing it. Medical school is a huge stress I am sure that doesn't help. I think there is definitely hope for your marriage, keep strong, love and support him and put God first. I hope that it all works out, you will be in my prayers!

I am un-married but I do believe that the church resource of counseling is set up for a reason-- it is necessary. It is in place for the benefit of church members; it's only aim is to help. He needs to open his heart to that help just as much as he has opened his heart to receiving help through other ways of the church. I truly believe that if he is unwilling to even give it a chance, he is not ready to, and will never be ready, to settle things back to a more righteous path in your marriage.

Best of luck.

[Keks3082]

I currently haven't been able to "fast", because of pregnancy/now lactating. But every time we are doing ok and not "not talking", we pray together, have FHE, ofcourse always go to church, etc.

[Kirajo]

1. Don't call it a "failing" marriage anymore. If you wake up every morning with that attitude you will go no where.
2. Almost all your troubles you listed dealt with him being in school. If he's not happy studying the career, he's not going to be any happier when his career has started. Support him.
3. Learn when to let things go.
4. More empathy! More often! If he had cheated, how long would YOU be mad?
5. Keep trying. Proverbs 3:5-6! Good luck!

[ruthiechan]

Originally Posted by Kirajo

1. Don't call it a "failing" marriage anymore. If you wake up every morning with that attitude you will go no where.
2. Almost all your troubles you listed dealt with him being in school. If he's not happy studying the career, he's not going to be any happier when his career has started. Support him.
3. Learn when to let things go.
4. More empathy! More often! If he had cheated, how long would YOU be mad?
5. Keep trying. Proverbs 3:5-6! Good luck!

This is sound advice.

Do you do scripture reading and prayer together?
Do you have goals together?

What about with your children? Do you have family home evening, family scripture reading, and family prayer with your children?

Your husband sounds like he wants to be a good husband but has issues with himself, hence the blaming things on you, and being undecided.

Why are you against him being in charge of finances? Do you think he's doing a bad job or do you just want to be able to buy stuff whenever you feel like it?

In these times SO MANY people are losing their homes and have lost money because of it. So do not fret because of that.

He says you two need to pray more, but how you pray also matters. You both need to pray about what to do and be specific. Also, if he's so undecided about his career path then he should take his own advice and ask about it. He needs Heavenly Father's counsel on that one. However, do not approach the subject with him until you are directed by the Spirit to do so, and you can pray about when to do that. Then accept whatever answer he gets. If he says the Spirit tells him to go into pet grooming, then by golly, support him. If the Spirit tells him to keep up with his current path then support him. How to support specifically I do not know. That is something you would need to pray about.

Also remember, it will take time for him to trust you again after you cheated on him. You will be over it far sooner than he will be. He needs time.

Focus on the positive. Write down ten reasons why you are grateful for your husband. Then, when directed by the Spirit, you share those reasons with him.

[ruthiechan]

Also I found this list helpful.
50 Brain dos and don'ts.

CLICK HERE

[checkerboy]

It is really sad that men these days don't feel that they can benefit from counseling. I know my dad has refused to see a counselor and he really, really needs to. What is it with these overly macho guys that think they have to do it all alone. Admitting you need help isn't a sign of weekness. It is a sign of intelligence in my book. When I see a guy (or girl) that says I will do anything to save my marriage then I know there is hope for that marriage. I know I seriously benefited from my time spent with a counselor and I will probably keep seeing him as often as I need it.

I do have to take issue though with the advice that Heavenly Father is going to tell your husband what he needs to do. That simply isn't the case.
Read D&C 9:7:
7 Behold, you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me.
Heavenly Father expects us to come up with our own solutions and then will tell us if they are right or not.

Basically it comes down to desire. Do you want to stay married? Does he? Those are the only two questions you need to ask yourselves. If the answer is yes for both of you then what is keeping either of you from doing whatever it takes to stay married.