trying to help underage sister out of morality hole

[checkerboy]

Wow I am amazed at some of the respones here. As families it is our responsibility to look out for each other. If I found out about one of my siblings activities that weren't appropriate I would definitely approach them about it. So what if they hated me, so what if they hated whoever it was that told me. So what if they hated my parents for getting involved. It is someones eternal salvation we are talking about. Yes obviously the choice will always be her's as to what she does with the situation but are we not all our brother's keepers? If we are too concerned about hurt feelings these days then what is the purpose of the family unit anymore? At 17 she will probably hate you but when she gets older and more mature she will realize that you actually cared about her and wanted what was best for her. Give your parents the opportunity to be parents. I just can't believe how PC our society has become. People are so much more concerned about how they look and if someone likes them or not. Anyway I will get off my soapbox now.

[Misshalfway]

Sorry Check. Who is saying he shouldn't go to his parents? Who is saying that he shouldn't jump in and fight for her salvation?

[Jenamarie]

Originally Posted by checkerboy

Wow I am amazed at some of the respones here. As families it is our responsibility to look out for each other. If I found out about one of my siblings activities that weren't appropriate I would definitely approach them about it. So what if they hated me, so what if they hated whoever it was that told me. So what if they hated my parents for getting involved. It is someones eternal salvation we are talking about. Yes obviously the choice will always be her's as to what she does with the situation but are we not all our brother's keepers? If we are too concerned about hurt feelings these days then what is the purpose of the family unit anymore? At 17 she will probably hate you but when she gets older and more mature she will realize that you actually cared about her and wanted what was best for her. Give your parents the opportunity to be parents. I just can't believe how PC our society has become. People are so much more concerned about how they look and if someone likes them or not. Anyway I will get off my soapbox now.

I recommended he not let his sister know he knows, because it could potentially shatter the youngest sister's trust in her older sister, and cause her to draw away from her family. Sometimes bringing the family in to "fight" for the sister's well being does just the opposite. Who knows what kind of control this boyfriend has over her. If they try to help her get out of this hole, she may start looking at her boyfriend as a "forbidden fruit" and be even more attracted to him, and want even more to be with him, because "I know what I'm doing! They don't know him like I do! He *loves* me!"

[checkerboy]

Originally Posted by Jenamarie

I recommended he not let his sister know he knows, because it could potentially shatter the youngest sister's trust in her older sister, and cause her to draw away from her family. Sometimes bringing the family in to "fight" for the sister's well being does just the opposite. Who knows what kind of control this boyfriend has over her. If they try to help her get out of this hole, she may start looking at her boyfriend as a "forbidden fruit" and be even more attracted to him, and want even more to be with him, because "I know what I'm doing! They don't know him like I do! He *loves* me!"

And at that point you let her make her own choices. Like I said she is gonna hate him at this point but would you rather someone you love tremendously, hate you now but learn from their mistakes and realize that you cared later on in their life?

I guess I am having an anti-PC moment. I just hate hearing people trying to tiptoe around problems. That is the problem that our society is facing today and what is the root of our society? - the family. I think that more families need to step up and be what they are supposed to be.

There are other ways of going about loving his sister then confronting her. He can and should talk to his parents. It is ultimately their responsibility anyway. He can show support to his sister without disclosing what he knows. But it sounds to me like there are other serious issues in the family that need to be addressed as well. I know because I come from a dysfunctional family myself. Communication is something that is severely lacking in today's family.

[beefche]

I'm with you on this one, checkerboy. She's 17 y/o and needs guidance still. The parents have the right and responsibility to guide her and do what they can to help her. That isn't to say it won't be difficult and you can bet she's going to get made at anyone who she perceives "told" on her or even supports the parents in the decisions. Society is trying to take parental rights away more and more.

It's a fine line for the parents to help and not push her into the boyfriend's arms. But that is their problem to fight and solve.

[Misshalfway]

Originally Posted by checkerboy

And at that point you let her make her own choices. Like I said she is gonna hate him at this point but would you rather someone you love tremendously, hate you now but learn from their mistakes and realize that you cared later on in their life?

I guess I am having an anti-PC moment. I just hate hearing people trying to tiptoe around problems. That is the problem that our society is facing today and what is the root of our society? - the family. I think that more families need to step up and be what they are supposed to be.

There are other ways of going about loving his sister then confronting her. He can and should talk to his parents. It is ultimately their responsibility anyway. He can show support to his sister without disclosing what he knows. But it sounds to me like there are other serious issues in the family that need to be addressed as well. I know because I come from a dysfunctional family myself. Communication is something that is severely lacking in today's family.

Yes. I totally agree with this.

[skalenfehl]

This is definitely one of those difficult and sensitive situations. From the perspective of one who has adopted and raised two hellions through their teenage years I can tell you that even though my boys went through it all (drugs, girls, pornography, alcohol, police, etc), they were never shy about "narcing" on each other when they knew the situation was very serious. My boys and I have been through it all. The "I hate you's", "It's my life", "I know what I'm doing", etc. They thought as children do and typically do not develop real world common sense until they are past their teens when they have experienced the pitfalls of life through trial and error.

My boys got into the nastiest fights (one of my boys swung a vaccuum cleaner at my other boy's face) and on another incident my other boy shot a paint ball gun at his brother point blank in the face, which was extremely dangerous and near life threatening. Through all the police calls, visits to the hospital in the middle of the night, their schools and with the parents of their so called friends, my boys knew all the way through that I loved them, but would never tolerate their inappropriate actions and I kept my foot down and stood my ground with them. They needed a very firm hand. Despite what they've been through and subjected each other to, they are still on talking terms and know how to say "I love you" to each other. Where a child lacks a moral compass or is still developing one, regardless of their claim that parent's don't understand and all the other excuses, the parent has the right to know and do something about it. Denial is one of the worst things for a parent to have so I hope they are prepared for this. I hope things work out because your sister needs a life preserver right now and a serious talking to before she turns 18 and claims stewardship of her own life to govern by her own rationale.


D&C 83: 4
4 All children have claim upon their parents for their maintenance until they are of age.

D&C 68: 25
25 And again, inasmuch as parents have children in Zion, or in any of her stakes which are organized, that teach them not to understand the doctrine of repentance, faith in Christ the Son of the living God, and of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of the hands, when eight years old, the sin be upon the heads of the parents.

Now obviously she is not 8 anymore, but the point is the Lord has given us stewardship of our children--His children, and it is a stewardship that we need to take seriously and not shrink from it because our child might have a tantrum. It's called tough love.

[RachelleDrew]

Nobody is saying "don't tell her parents". What we are trying to say is that this situation needs to be handled with finesse in an attempt to keep lines of communication open.

Worse things can happen than this 17 year old having sex. One wouldn't want her to clam up later over even more dangerous issues because she doesn't trust anyone.

[skalenfehl]

Originally Posted by RachelleDrew

Nobody is saying "don't tell her parents". What we are trying to say is that this situation needs to be handled with finesse in an attempt to keep lines of communication open.

Worse things can happen than this 17 year old having sex. One wouldn't want her to clam up later over even more dangerous issues because she doesn't trust anyone.

I know and I wholeheartedly agree, however my reply is not intended to contradict the posts of others who have replied, but to directly address the OP's personal quandary and request for the experiences of other parents:

Originally Posted by ibanez2k

Though I know it will crush her, should my wife and I inform my parents of what is going on? I told my 19 year old sister that since my 17 year old sister is confiding in her that she should try to convince her to tell mom and dad. She doesn't want to confront her with that. I know my younger sister won't listen to me and I don't want her to know that my 19 year old sister told me either. Has anyone gone through anything similar to this before, either as a sibling or as a parent? I do not know what I should do as her older brother. Thanks very much for any help you may be able to give.

As a loving and concerned father who has raised teenagers, I stand by my words. My point is that it is ok to tell the parents and that you are doing so because you love her enough to intervene.

[MorningStar]

I would tell my parents because they are the only ones who have any hope of setting limits for her. They don't even have to tell her they know, but say they've been thinking about it and they realize that any girl and any boy can mess up, and they would like to limit how much alone time she spends with him. She might start to feel like they know instinctively and not blame it on her sister.