trying to help underage sister out of morality hole

[ibanez2k]

I know this is a tough issue that more and more people deal with in this day in age but I am at a loss and am searching for advice. I have recently come to the knowledge of my younger 17 year old sister having sexual relations with her boyfriend. This has been happening for a few weeks now. I know this because my other younger sister (19 years old) confided in my wife and I the other evening about it. Apparently my 17 year old sister has been telling my 19 year old sister about it. My 19 year old sister, though she is trying to help as much as she can, is only barely coming back to the church right now after a difficult abusive marriage and going through a devorce. She herself had morality issues when she was in High School. She is in no position to stand up to my 17 year old sister and help her with anything. My parents don't know anything about this and she is there youngest girl so they think the world of her and don't suspect anything really. My wife and I tried to tell them a few months ago that letting her steady date was a bad idea and could lead to problems but they were insistant that it was okay and she was smarter than that. I don't want my little sister hurt. I am 26 years old and on my way to having a child of my own and knowing this and not knowing what I can do is painful. I don't want my 17 year old sister making these mistakes. I know she has to make her own choices though. Though I know it will crush her, should my wife and I inform my parents of what is going on? I told my 19 year old sister that since my 17 year old sister is confiding in her that she should try to convince her to tell mom and dad. She doesn't want to confront her with that. I know my younger sister won't listen to me and I don't want her to know that my 19 year old sister told me either. Has anyone gone through anything similar to this before, either as a sibling or as a parent? I do not know what I should do as her older brother. Thanks very much for any help you may be able to give.

[RachelleDrew]

This is a difficult situation, but in my opinion the only person who should tell would be the person she directly confided in. Since she did not tell you specifically then I don't know that it would be right for you to say anything because technically there is still the chance that what you were told was incorrect. I'm not saying your older sister is lying, but there could be miscommunications that you aren't aware of since you didn't hear it from the horse's mouth.

But I don't know your situation first hand. Personally, I don't know that an older brother should be privy to information about his sister's sexual encounters. If your 19 year old sister was so desperate to vent or get advice and simply needed to tell someone, she should have gone to your parents not you. I hope you don't take that in an offensive way.

What worries me is, if this girl is too scared to tell her parents she's had sex, i'll bet she's too scared to purchase birth control or condoms either. So not only is she possibly having sex, but possibly doing it unprotected too. I would have your 19 year old sister probe about it, and see if she can find out if this girl is at least making an effort to protect herself.

She's in serious danger of becoming pregnant or sick anyway, the risk is even higher if she isn't on some sort of protection.

I would try and convince your older sister to get her to confess to her parents, or if she felt more comfortable, her bishop.

If you don't mind being the "mean sibling" (and she will most certainly think of you as such for a while) then you could perhaps approach her yourself and tell her that you are worried that she may be having sex since you've noticed she's gotten so serious with her boyfriend lately. If she denies it, let her know that if you find out she is then you will have no choice but to tell your parents. If she admits to it, try and convince her to talk to your parents or else you will. You don't have to tell her that your other sister told you anything.

The ideal situation would be that she is straightforward with your parents. Why do you think she hasn't told them yet? Fear of punishment? Worried about their disappointment? Or is she scared that they will keep her from her boyfriend? Find out what it is that's keeping her from saying anything and that will make it easier to asses the situation.

[rameumptom]

Years ago, my daughter was going through some issues. She confided in her YW president, and then the Bishop. Without our knowledge, she ended up working through a probational period of repentance.

I'm still very disappointed in that YW president and Bishop, for taking away my parental responsibility.

Parents have the responsibility to raise and correct their children, especially those still not adults. No one else has that primary right or responsibility. To not let your parents know what their daughter is doing, is to keep them from doing their calling from God. They are older and hopefully wiser than a 19 year old or 26 year old. Give them the chance to be the parent, and guide their daughter.

[Misshalfway]

Originally Posted by rameumptom

Years ago, my daughter was going through some issues. She confided in her YW president, and then the Bishop. Without our knowledge, she ended up working through a probational period of repentance.

I'm still very disappointed in that YW president and Bishop, for taking away my parental responsibility.

Parents have the responsibility to raise and correct their children, especially those still not adults. No one else has that primary right or responsibility. To not let your parents know what their daughter is doing, is to keep them from doing their calling from God. They are older and hopefully wiser than a 19 year old or 26 year old. Give them the chance to be the parent, and guide their daughter.

I can understand how you would feel these emotions as a parent. I get a little nervous though, when I see the YW pres or Bishop put in the middle. They are confidants in this situation. Telling you would most likely have hurt your daughter deeply and definitely betrayed and compromised trust. A bishop is absolutely under restrictions not to discuss information he receives into his confidence.

I think the issue you have is really with your daughter. She didn't come to you. She didn't trust you with the information and it was that action that prevented you from being the parent you wanted to be. I can understand that pain, but can also understand the fear she must have felt in telling her parents that she had fallen from grace. How do you face your parents knowing what something like this does to how they see you? The fear of such outcomes was probably too much for her.

But all is not lost. Perhaps a missed opportunity, but the good news is that she did repent. Maybe without your involvement, but certainly because of your loving influence! And maybe part of being a parent too, is to at some point let our children have a personal life and trust them with it.

[Jenamarie]

Originally Posted by Misshalfway

I can understand how you would feel these emotions as a parent. I get a little nervous though, when I see the YW pres or Bishop put in the middle. They are confidants in this situation. Telling you would most likely have hurt your daughter deeply and definitely betrayed and compromised trust. A bishop is absolutely under restrictions not to discuss information he receives into his confidence.

I think the issue you have is really with your daughter. She didn't come to you. She didn't trust you with the information and it was that action that prevented you from being the parent you wanted to be. I can understand that pain, but can also understand the fear she must have felt in telling her parents that she had fallen from grace. How do you face your parents knowing what something like this does to how they see you? The fear of such outcomes was probably too much for her.

But all is not lost. Perhaps a missed opportunity, but the good news is that she did repent. Maybe without your involvement, but certainly because of your loving influence! And maybe part of being a parent too, is to at some point let our children have a personal life and trust them with it.

I agree with this. I know as a teenager I was terrified of disappointing my parents, and would have avoided confessing anything to the Bishop if I in any way suspected it would get back to them.

[Jenamarie]

To the original topic: I don't think I'd let your younger sister know that you know. She didn't tell you personally, and she might with hold information from your other sister if she finds out she "told". She NEEDS someone in the family she can trust to confess things to. Maybe you could slip your 19 year old sister some money to buy some condoms to give to your youngest sister? That way she'll at least be partially protected from any of the more dire consequences that can come from having sex at a young age. And also see if your 19 year old would be willing to share the pain and heartache she's liking going through now with her sister, as a kind of "I've been where you are, and this is where I ended up" warning.

[Hemidakota]

Originally Posted by ibanez2k

I know this is a tough issue that more and more people deal with in this day in age but I am at a loss and am searching for advice.

I have recently come to the knowledge of my younger 17 year old sister having sexual relations with her boyfriend. This has been happening for a few weeks now. I know this because my other younger sister (19 years old) confided in my wife and I the other evening about it.

Apparently my 17 year old sister has been telling my 19 year old sister about it. My 19 year old sister, though she is trying to help as much as she can, is only barely coming back to the church right now after a difficult abusive marriage and going through a divorce. She herself had morality issues when she was in High School. She is in no position to stand up to my 17 year old sister and help her with anything.

My parents don't know anything about this and she is there youngest girl so they think the world of her and don't suspect anything really. My wife and I tried to tell them a few months ago that letting her steady date was a bad idea and could lead to problems but they were insistent that it was okay and she was smarter than that. I don't want my little sister hurt.

I am 26 years old and on my way to having a child of my own and knowing this and not knowing what I can do is painful. I don't want my 17 year old sister making these mistakes. I know she has to make her own choices though. Though I know it will crush her, should my wife and I inform my parents of what is going on? I told my 19 year old sister that since my 17 year old sister is confiding in her that she should try to convince her to tell mom and dad. She doesn't want to confront her with that. I know my younger sister won't listen to me and I don't want her to know that my 19 year old sister told me either. Has anyone gone through anything similar to this before, either as a sibling or as a parent? I do not know what I should do as her older brother. Thanks very much for any help you may be able to give.

You first need the Spirit about you in making the right choices for you sister. I don't blame your other sister in not pushing the issue when she herself fell pray to the same issue. You need to do something immediately. My first reaction would ask the Spirit to help you to approach your parents, in a meaningful conversation of love and support, in helping your younger sister. Your parents need confront her and quickly access the damage that is already done and provide a support line for her. This may be at first damaging to her confidence in the beginning with her other sister but her salvation is at stake. If she is still continue down this path, I do see endless problems as Rachelle alluded already.

Once the parents are informed, give them the necessary support and love in helping your sister back to the gospel path. It may take a while going through the repentant process but in the end, will be eternal rewarding.

If the other boy is a member of the church, the Bishop will need to be informed on this situation. However, this will come from your parents and not you. As your father is the Patriarch of the home, it is his duty to instruct, inform, and perform his priesthood duties in the family.

If there is anything we can do, we are here for you. Last, kudos to you in seeking help for your younger sister and showing your love for her in seeking help. It reveals how charitable you are for your immediate family members.

Bless you my brother as you journey in this life.

[Hemidakota]

Originally Posted by ibanez2k

I know this is a tough issue that more and more people deal with in this day in age but I am at a loss and am searching for advice. I have recently come to the knowledge of my younger 17 year old sister having sexual relations with her boyfriend. This has been happening for a few weeks now. I know this because my other younger sister (19 years old) confided in my wife and I the other evening about it. Apparently my 17 year old sister has been telling my 19 year old sister about it. My 19 year old sister, though she is trying to help as much as she can, is only barely coming back to the church right now after a difficult abusive marriage and going through a devorce. She herself had morality issues when she was in High School. She is in no position to stand up to my 17 year old sister and help her with anything. My parents don't know anything about this and she is there youngest girl so they think the world of her and don't suspect anything really. My wife and I tried to tell them a few months ago that letting her steady date was a bad idea and could lead to problems but they were insistant that it was okay and she was smarter than that. I don't want my little sister hurt. I am 26 years old and on my way to having a child of my own and knowing this and not knowing what I can do is painful. I don't want my 17 year old sister making these mistakes. I know she has to make her own choices though. Though I know it will crush her, should my wife and I inform my parents of what is going on? I told my 19 year old sister that since my 17 year old sister is confiding in her that she should try to convince her to tell mom and dad. She doesn't want to confront her with that. I know my younger sister won't listen to me and I don't want her to know that my 19 year old sister told me either. Has anyone gone through anything similar to this before, either as a sibling or as a parent? I do not know what I should do as her older brother. Thanks very much for any help you may be able to give.

Oh...welcome to the forum.

[Misshalfway]

Originally Posted by ibanez2k

I know this is a tough issue that more and more people deal with in this day in age but I am at a loss and am searching for advice. I have recently come to the knowledge of my younger 17 year old sister having sexual relations with her boyfriend. This has been happening for a few weeks now. I know this because my other younger sister (19 years old) confided in my wife and I the other evening about it. Apparently my 17 year old sister has been telling my 19 year old sister about it. My 19 year old sister, though she is trying to help as much as she can, is only barely coming back to the church right now after a difficult abusive marriage and going through a devorce. She herself had morality issues when she was in High School. She is in no position to stand up to my 17 year old sister and help her with anything. My parents don't know anything about this and she is there youngest girl so they think the world of her and don't suspect anything really. My wife and I tried to tell them a few months ago that letting her steady date was a bad idea and could lead to problems but they were insistant that it was okay and she was smarter than that. I don't want my little sister hurt. I am 26 years old and on my way to having a child of my own and knowing this and not knowing what I can do is painful. I don't want my 17 year old sister making these mistakes. I know she has to make her own choices though. Though I know it will crush her, should my wife and I inform my parents of what is going on? I told my 19 year old sister that since my 17 year old sister is confiding in her that she should try to convince her to tell mom and dad. She doesn't want to confront her with that. I know my younger sister won't listen to me and I don't want her to know that my 19 year old sister told me either. Has anyone gone through anything similar to this before, either as a sibling or as a parent? I do not know what I should do as her older brother. Thanks very much for any help you may be able to give.

My first question is how will your parents react? Will they over react? Will they jump on your little sister in their horror and panic? Or do they have the emotional tools to deal with this situation in love compassion and wisdom?

If you tell them, and they are able to behave in a way that is productive, even honest, but in a spirit of healing and forgiveness (even with limits and consequences applied) then I think you do her a service by telling them. You are telling them out of love to rescue her.

Is there a chance you could have a face to face with your sister? Talk to her about her actions directly in a spirit of love and concern. Maybe then you could inform her of your intensions. Invite her to tell your parents. Offer to go with her. Explain under what circumstances you would reveal her activities if she chooses a different path. Perhaps also listen to her concerns and try to understand her position and see if the Spirit brings anymore wisdom to you as you listen.

[ibanez2k]

thank you all so much for your quick responses. This is all very helpful and I appreciate any information at all as my wife and I are praying as to how to go about this ourselves. Thank you again.