Non-member wife (and I've been inactive a while)

monol1th · #1 (**permalink**) 07-06-2008, 09:14 PM

I've been inactive for many years, and have decided that I want to go back. Dealing with the issues that caused me to go inactive is easy.... getting my non-member wife interested in the church, quite another I think.

Any suggestions on how to bring up my church membership.. she doesn't have a clue.. I don't think.. I've tried bringing the church up.. and have not got a negative reaction.. more surprise that I am interested in any church at all than any particular issues with the church itself.

I'm wondering if anyone on here has experience with a non-member spouse, and any suggestions, lessons learned, etc.

I'd like to do something relatively quickly, as I have now called 'lost members' and provided them with my real street address, so I figure its only a matter of time before I get the knock on the door

ruthiechan · #2 (**permalink**) 07-06-2008, 10:02 PM

I am an active member of the Church, my husband is not a member and does not ever intend to become one. As such the first thoughts that came to mind are as follows:

Do not pressure your wife into anything.

Talk to her about i; how you are an inactive member and would like to get involved again and why. Let her know your feelings. Invite her to join you at Church, but take it slow. If you overwhelm her with prayer and scripture study and tithing and all that jazz she will likely put on the breaks.

She may be interested or she may have no interest whatsoever which is okay. Her thoughts and feelings on the subject are as valid as yours even if it turns out to not be the same. Let her know that it's all right if she feels it's not for her but ask her to support you regardless.

Before approaching her, I would pray. Ask for guidance regarding when to approach your wife, how to approach her, what to say to her and the timing involved and when to simply listen.

Whatever the outcome is you can still have a great marriage.

Truegrits · #3 (**permalink**) 07-07-2008, 10:26 AM

~~~ruthiechan~~~

Quote:

I am an active member of the Church, my husband is not a member and does not ever intend to become one.

"Ditto", ruthiechan!

monol1th, I was not active when we met nor when we married. He knew I was LDS/Mormon, however. He does not believe in any organized religion. I re-activated several years into the marriage. Tom is a great guy; he in NO WAY discouraged me. He, however, has no interest whatsoever in attending. I do not fuss/nag at him to do so. That will be his choice.
When our son was old enough for Cub Scouts, the Church was having a problem getting someone to fill that Calling. Tom was always there with Jordan, and they ended up asking him to help...long story short...Tom became the Cub Master! He loved it. But that has been the extent of his participation, except for a few social events.
His not being a member does not keep me from Church, and all that entails, nor the Temple. And who knows, just maybe one day.......

I pray it goes well for you...let us know.

prospectmom · #4 (**permalink**) 07-07-2008, 02:43 PM

My husband is inactive but supports me in all I try and do in church . He is also there when asked for service projects

Islander · #5 (**permalink**) 07-07-2008, 09:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by monol1th

I've been inactive for many years, and have decided that I want to go back. Dealing with the issues that caused me to go inactive is easy.... getting my non-member wife interested in the church, quite another I think.

Any suggestions on how to bring up my church membership.. she doesn't have a clue.. I don't think.. I've tried bringing the church up.. and have not got a negative reaction.. more surprise that I am interested in any church at all than any particular issues with the church itself.

I'm wondering if anyone on here has experience with a non-member spouse, and any suggestions, lessons learned, etc.

I'd like to do something relatively quickly, as I have now called 'lost members' and provided them with my real street address, so I figure its only a matter of time before I get the knock on the door

I tend to agree with most of what has been posted above. You may actually have an easier time with your wife than the sisters that posted in regards to their non-member husbands.

Seek to regain your testimony. Share with your wife your feelings and also some of the history that led you to become inactive. It is also important to be totally honest with her in regards to why you are trying to return to church, what your thoughts and feelings are and what you hope to accomplish. Be kind, gentle and polite. Love your wife and SHOW her, not just tell her you love her. If you have a chance to bring your wife into the church is by showing her the beauty, the power and breath of the Gospel.

I wish you the best and I hope this renewed desire to return tot he Gospel be a great blessing to your family.

Sister_M · #6 (**permalink**) 07-08-2008, 12:30 PM

Hi All- I've been away from the site for a while but saw this and wanted to reply. I just think it's great that you all are having such good attitudes toward your inactive or non-member spouses. I really struggle with my husband's inactivity and wish I could be laid back about it (in general I'm the most mellow, accepting, laid back person but when it comes to this I panic)! I guess maybe it's a little different when one gets married already knowing the spouse isn't interested, but my husband was a ward mission leader and the church was his life when we got married and then poof it all disappeared (am sure some of you remember that this is why I joined this site). ;-) At any rate, I think unconditional love is the key and as long as the marriage is a healthy, happy one in general then your return to church should only foster more love and compassion and understanding inside your own home. Good luck to all of you.

Angelkajm · #7 (**permalink**) 07-13-2008, 11:28 PM

I have been there! I was in your shoes about 2 year ago. The first thing I did was start going back to church. I simply said "I am going to church tomorrow, if you are interested you are more than welcome to come", I left it at that. He watched me go to church for a couple weeks with the kids by myself and he saw how happy we seemed. You could tell I was at peace with my decision and he also noticed how happy I was to live the way I was living. One Sunday he decided to come with me. As long as I didn't make it "my idea" he would come to church with us. A few months of this and he was seeing the bishop. The one thing that kept him going was how he felt inside when he got home from church. We all seemed happy and we were calm and spoke kindly to each other. He later met with the bishop and we were sealed as a family in the temple September of last year. You can see the change in his eyes. It is amazing how the church changes people. I know it changed me for the better. I guess the first step is to just start going back. You can mention it to her in passing. She will either not accept it or will be very excited. Religion is a hard subject to deal with but I can promise you that if you go back to church and live the gospel she will feel drawn to see why it makes you so happy. Remember that a lot of people have promlems with it tearing their marraige appart so be careful how you approach it but if you are truly happy and you share how happy you are with her then you should have no problem. Good luck and you are doing the right thing!

Mykdiver · #8 (**permalink**) 08-04-2008, 12:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Islander

I tend to agree with most of what has been posted above. You may actually have an easier time with your wife than the sisters that posted in regards to their non-member husbands.

Seek to regain your testimony. Share with your wife your feelings and also some of the history that led you to become inactive. It is also important to be totally honest with her in regards to why you are trying to return to church, what your thoughts and feelings are and what you hope to accomplish. Be kind, gentle and polite. Love your wife and SHOW her, not just tell her you love her. If you have a chance to bring your wife into the church is by showing her the beauty, the power and breath of the Gospel.

I wish you the best and I hope this renewed desire to return tot he Gospel be a great blessing to your family.

I have a not very active wife with a lot of questions about the Church. I try to talk her into asking the questions to someone other than me because she does not want to hear it from me. I am a "Freek" about the faith. I try to tone it down, and not pressure her, but it is hard, we are new converts, and I am really fired up about the Church, and really want to get involved. I have been working on my testimony, and I share my feelings when I can. I think the trick to her will be just leave her alone and allow her to find it herself.

Palerider · #9 (**permalink**) 08-04-2008, 07:25 AM

I would attend and do not keep bringing up the church. They might feel like you are trying to stick it down their throat. Talk about it only if they ask questions.

monol1th · #10 (**permalink**) 08-10-2008, 12:22 PM

Well, finally got round to telling the wife, after a lot of praying... and right now she is in the 'I'm stewing about something that I think that maybe you should have told me years ago' and 'don't talk to me' thing.... I just told her about 30 minutes ago... I told her that I wanted to go back to church (she thought I meant any church at first then I told her that I meant The Church and not just any old church) I'll let you all know how it goes on.