New, Looking for support

[secretsister]

Hi,

I'm looking for a place to vent and find support. Both my husband and I have been married before. We have been married to each other for 1 1/2 years now. Generally, he is a good man. He is strong in the church, lives the standards, attends the temple, etc. I think that he loves me, although I have begun to question that.

This is why: Since we've been married, he has severe moodiness. It's always about something different and always about something very insignificant. For instance, this last time, we were laughing and joking together and a piece of thread was found on his garments. He blew up at me saying the string was filthy and I don't do his laundry properly. I tried to calm him down by explaining that the thread was clean as it too went through the wash and he shouldn't be so upset about it. He said extremely hurtful things to me and barely talked to me for a week. He did try to make up with me the next day, but I told him I was still hurt by what he said. Instead of apolagizing, he told me to get a job since I don't do anything at home. (Which is not true)

When these "episodes" happen, he continues to go to work and church and act completely normal. At home, he stays in his room, refuses to speak to me, locks me out of our room at night, and says that it is all my fault. To him, I am too sensative, defensive and prideful.

In my mind, I have changed so many thing for him... that I think are silly, like making his sandwhich on a paper towel because I don't wash the counter well enough. I don't mind doing things for him when he asks me to. I do not like being lectured like I'm stupid. I had to listen to a 20 minute lecture on the way to the temple about why I should pluck all the grapes off the vine then wash them with friction instead of rinsing them and serving them to him still in a bunch. He said I was lazy if I didn't agree "Now that I'd been told a better way."

When he's not like this, we talk about everything, barely argue, and when we do, it lasts a few minutes. I try to tell him he seems to cycle with mood swings, but he denies it and blames me.

This time, he is not coming out of it. I think it's my fault because I can't forgive him. I can't simply forget the things he said and be happy and bubbly like he wants right now. He just wakes up one day and says, "Let's make up." Then, he gets super happy and acts like nothing ever happened. I just couldn't do it this time and so the irritability continues. If he forgets something, it's because I didn't remind him. If he doesn't recall something we talked about, it's because I didn't communicate it in a way he could understand. If I make a mistake, it's unforgiveable. If he makes a mistake, it's, "Oh well!"

We recently got approval to be sealed in the temple. I don't want to. I feel trapped now, how would I feel knowing I'm stuck for eternity? I keep praying for the desire, but I'm not getting anywhere. I did get confirmation when I asked about marrying him, but of course, now, I question my interpretation of that. I love him, but we don't have a strong history of good times for me to get through this. I wonder if it is an illness, but he will not acknowledge he is behaving abnormally. He will not seek help and is angry at me because I want to.

Thanks for listening.
Secretsister

[rameumptom]

Welcome to the forum.

Since we do not know you or your husband, I'd suggest you talk with your bishop about it. Perhaps your husband is having some mood swings due to hormonal imbalances or something. Perhaps he needs to take a class on managing anger.

[Truegrits]

Welcome, secretsister. Your story is 'familiar' to me. I have a close family member that experienced a similar situation. While they were getting to know each other/dating, he was the most considerate/kind/thoughtful/polite young man she had known. There was nothing he did or said to warn or prepare her for what happened after they were married. His mental abuse started on their honeymoon. He never hit her, but his words and actions cut deep. His verbal abuse blindsided her, for sure. To all outward appearances, their marriage was fine. For a while.
She loved him, and put up with and hid the abuse and her anguish from her family and friends. She didn't wash the dishes correctly or wash the clothes properly or clean the house well enough..."What have you done all day, sleep?" "Have you combed your hair today?" She was never dressed the right way...never "pretty" enough..."have you gained weight?" He actually told her she was stupid, often!

She had a baby the first year of marriage. After the baby, she talked to her Mom and Dad...with her Bishop. She talked with his parents, trying to understand why he had changed, and why he "hated" her.

She had asked that they seek help, but he did not think they needed it. She just needed to "grow up".

She reached a point that she could not continue to live, or raise, a child in that atmosphere. He had broken marriage covenants, and she went through all the steps of seeking a divorce. He did not fight it.
Well, at some point during the wait, he DID seek help; realized he loved her, and did not want to lose his son. He totally turned (with help) himself around. They are together, have a strong marriage, and four children.

So, things can work out. But probably not without help; both of you need to talk about it. Talk to the Bishop. Do not keep it hidden; do not be an enabler. No marriage partner has the right to belittle/abuse the other. That is not what marriage is supposed to be.

Sorry for this long post. I hope and pray that you can find peace and happiness in your marriage.

[countrygirl66]

hi secret sister,
I don't have much advice for you but wanted to say i am here for support. I have been married to my h for 23 yrs. When we started out our marriage my h would say some awful things and be really critical of me and the more i tried to please him the worse he was. It took us a long time to find the answers to make our marriage work, it was a combination of things. One he is now on an anitidepressant but still doesn't like to admit that is what it is. That made all the difference in the world. He was raised in a family where anything like mental issues were seen as weakness. So it is still hard for him to accept. Second he was raised in an extremely critical enviorment and didn't see anything wrong with being the same way. He works at it constantly. 3rd his mom's job in life was to keep his dad happy so in comparison i was a failure. We have worked hard to make a happy marriage and i feel like we have one. It was not easy, but i would say stand up for yourself it is ok. You don't have to be unkind but you need to have value. I hope things get better, i know there are no easy answers. Take care.

[Maureen]

IMO, it sounds like your husband has a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. Maybe it's neurological, or maybe he needs psychological counseling. I would ask him to see a doctor to rule out a physical or psychological reason for his strange outbursts.

[applepansy]

secretsister, welcome!!! From what you describe it sounds like he needs to see a doctor. I'm not sure you'll be able to convince him of this but maybe with the help of your bishop he would listen. The mood swings you describe are classic bipolar disorder. But abuse can also be caused by other issues and you shouldn't ever put up with it even a little bit.

You are not to blame for his behavior. You shouldn't take responsibility for it or make excuses for him. Get Help!!!

(((hugs)))
applepansy

[Dr T]

Welcome to this site

[applepansy]

secretsister, one more thing. . . REMEMBER: you are a daughter of your Heavenly Father. And as such you are entitled to respect from your husband.

you're in my prayers

[Palerider]

Welcome to the site......and I hope you do speak with your Bishop about this. Please don't feel like he has no time for you....if you do not feel comfortable speaking with him....confide in your Relief Society President.

[secretsister]

Your replies are exactly what I need, thank you. I have been confiding in a good friend, but I do not want to dump on her too much. She doesn't mind, but it can be emotionally draining to be around someone as needy as I am right now. So, having this new place to vent a bit will be helpful, I think.

I did confide in my branch president ( I AM the RS president.) It wasn't comfortable as at the very beginning of our marriage, my husband told me that if I ever felt the need to talk to anyone about our marriage issues, he would want me to tell him first. I promised I would. Well, I tried once and he got super upset and "convinced" me not to go. So, I talked with the BP without telling him. I feel guilty and relieved at the same time. I explained all of this to my BP and asked him not to speak to my husband about it. He is hoping for a window of opportunity to open to discuss marriage in general to see if my husband confides in him at all.

He also spoke with the Stake president about it, so it is not being dropped or ignored. They are trying to help without making it worse. I have a feeling it will eventually come down to a huge confrontation that will lead to him getting help or will lead to our end. That is so scary... right now, I'm not sure which I would want more. I had a hard life being a single parent, but I was so much happier.

Yesterday, I was so depressed, I had a hard time getting out of bed. I forced myself to go out in the garden and harvest all the beans, turnips and carrots, then I canned the carrots. He seemed in a good mood when he got home, so I went out to the garden with him and proudly showed him all I had done. He said, "You didn't pick the grapes?"

Today, I don't want to do anything. The more he criticizes, the more I become the failure he thinks I am.

I'm going to call for an appointment today with a counselor too. He has forbid it before, but now has ordered me to go. I'm glad to comply! There is not an LDS counselor I can see, but I hope to find one who will be helpful.

Again, thank you so much for the support and good suggestions and prayers.

Secretsister