wife needs support for a porn addict spouse

[jolee65]

Boy, I feel bad hearing about such a loving wife and mother have such a hard time just trying to have a sum what normal life with her husband and children, Im assuming your both members and as far as I can see he needs more help then the biship can handle, someone higher up in the church should be called but thats in his court, you sound like a strong women and a loving person dont make his problem about you even if its made you feel that way this is his addiction and you were drawn into it without your knowledge and now that your aware of his problem stand strong and dont take the blame for any of his actions. take care and stay strong

[LDSVALLEY]

I have had friends with this problem and I can let you know a couple of things about it. It really is an addiction, and like all addictions there is a chemical issue to it as well. When people or at least men get on this track their minds alter to seek it out even if they are not aware. He does not prefer himself over you because of your appearance but rather the porn is perfect, pictures are touched up, no one gets hurt feelings or pain. Anything can be found under the imagination.

Images in the mind when they close their eyes are of porn. When they look at others, even if unaware of it they look from a sexual aspect. If they try to replay some of what they watch with a living spouse then it usually does not stimulate as much due to overload from watching or reading the graphic nature of porn.

Unhealthy food habits also can play a role as sugars or chemical or mineral imbalances lower impulse control and long term understanding of our actions.

Then guilt also has a part. A couple of guys I talked to a few years ago said that worrying about spouse or others finding out makes the desire even greater. It can be a very hard cycle to break out of. Satan works well, the worse one feels about it the greater the draw to it exists. The fear of being caught is strong and the addiction often gets worse when they are caught because the guilt is higher.

Often it also seems to be a sense of control. They can control an aspect of their lives, in their minds. They manipulate their environment, no matter what things are happening in the real world, it gives an outlet where they choose the desired outcome. In a weird way it seems like they control rejection I guess, they decide "who they will be with and what they will have the people on the screen do" then the people perform for just for the person watching, for their personal satisfaction no matter how fleeting.

As the economy worldwide gets worse so too will this situation. Someone I talked to awhile ago studied the changes in Pornography for a project, not by watching, and men have become so over exposed to porn that each year it gets more violent and graphic just to keep people hooked as they become exposed and less stimulated by milder acts.

Satan is working hard on your husband. From what you have said, my guess is he is beyond self help. He might not be able to find a way back even if he looses everything. He needs to pray hard, and seek help.

You are in a horrible position and I grieve for your pain. Understand the Porn addiction is not the source of all of the problems you mentioned and if it was removed tomorrow you would still have to fix the rest with much prayer and work.

Do what you need to stay close to the Lord and plot the best course for your family.

[omega0401]

Originally Posted by Carolear

Hi,
This is the 3rd time I'm recommending this movie called FIREPROOF. It is a Christian based movie with Kirk Cameron. If it weren't for a cross that is shown a couple of times you would think it was written by LDS.
The main character is a firefighter, addicted to porn, and his marriage is failing. He was raised Christian, but left that behind as an adult.
If you do nothing else, go see this movie with or without him. It will change your marriage and give you hope again.
Carole

I think Carol has given you an excellent suggestion. I have also seen this movie with my wife (not that we needed it) and it was a great movie about husband and wife relationships. I would encourage you both to see it and follow what it is teaching. Take plenty of Kleenex.

Please keep in touch with your Bishop on your husband's progress so that he can continue to counsel with him. It is not one of those "seen him once I/we don't need to see him again" situation. It sounds like professional counseling is needed and encouraged and the Bishop would probably have references that you can check out.

Our prayers are with you!!!

[InnerGold]

I know this is an old post but I hope it will help someone who stumbles onto this post in the future, like I just did, doing a Google search.

Dealing with an addict is never easy. Matter-of-fact it is probably one of the hardest things to deal with because there is concern and love for the addicted person. Pornography is one of the worst forms of addiction because it can be so secretive and lie dormant for many years but like all addictions they start to rear their ugly head and end up hurting their loved ones. However, the addict does not realize he/she is hurting a loved one because they feel it is a personal thing they are doing. How could it be hurting others? Well until they can step out and separate the addict from who they really are they won't recognize it.

The question asked here is what can you do. The first thing you can do is gain an understanding of the sexual addiction issues. This will not get rid of the hurt or the pain but it will help to give you an understanding what is going on inside your husband.

You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. Until the addict recognizes there is a problem, he/she will not change. It has to be his choice. We have had individuals coming to group sessions for the last 3 years and it was just recently one individual finally completed on of his assignments. Why? He was coming for his wife and not for real help. However, this year he recognized it was affecting his life and now he is starting to recover. It took 3 years before he wanted to make the change for himself.

I say this so that you can recognize the importance that there is only so much you can do; He has to do it for himself. Pornography is destroying families faster and faster. We have created a treatment system that helps a person overcome pornography and sexual addiction but before the program will work (or any program) they need to want to change. Change comes from within, not from without. Influence can come from external sources.

[foreverafter]

Originally Posted by InnerGold

Pornography is destroying families faster and faster. We have created a treatment system that helps a person overcome pornography and sexual addiction but before the program will work (or any program) they need to want to change. Change comes from within, not from without. Influence can come from external sources.

Until firm enough consequences are applied for porn, as with any form of spouse abuse or adultery, the person will rarely gain the desire to change. If Bishops like the one mentioned just apply a slap on the hand & do not take this abusive addiction seriously & apply the serious consequences that Pres. Hinckley stated that should be applied to men who abuse their wife, then little to no progress will be made & things will just get worse. Male leaders, family members & friends must protect women & children from this & all forms of abuse.

This form of abuse & addiction is intentional & they actually deep down enjoy hurting their wife. That is one of the hardest things to accept & understand about any form of abuse. They know deep down that they are choosing porn over marriage & family & that their wife will be hurt when she finds out. But that is their choice, they would rather hurt their wife than repent. Porn might be an addiction but if the person really wanted to they could stop, unless they become past feeling & lose the ability to repent.

Women who's husbands view porn or do any other form of abuse, need to learn all they can about spouse abuse & do all they can to teach & help their husband to respect her. These women also usually must teach leaders & male family members & friends to help him stop his abuse addiction, usually by firm consequences.

[MissyP]

Originally Posted by foreverafter

Until firm enough consequences are applied for porn, as with any form of spouse abuse or adultery, the person will rarely gain the desire to change.

Sorry, but going to the Bishop isn't the same as going to court. The Bishop should deal with it as the spirit guides him to, instead of trying to "punish" the guy until he gets it in his head that he shouldn't be doing this. There is no cookie cutter way to deal with people's addictions, and if this is the course of action the bishop has decided to take, I'm sure he has his reasons.

That being said, I'm sorry that you've had to deal with this, and hopefully you'll be able to get things sorted out in good time (I think I'm a little late, though).

[FairChild]

It sounds as if you have more serious problems in your marraige than just porn addiction. The porn is probably the problem that has the most immediate red flag. I see some very broken lines of communication. I suggest you get some counceling to help you set up appropriate boundries and so that you can strengthen yourself and help you find a support group of others that have dealt with porn and other addictions. I know that AA has a group that is dedicated to helping those that have a love one with struggles alcohol abuse. It's ok to take a break if you need it. Use the time wisely. Make sure you and your children are well taken care of. You all deserve it.