wife needs support for a porn addict spouse

[sadsnowwhite]

My sister told me that what I need more then anything is support...to know that I'm not alone and people to talk to. SO here's MY story:

My husband and I have been married for 4 and a half years now. He has a problem with porn and maturbation. The fisrt time I found out was 6 months into our marriage. The second time was just after the birth of our first child. The third time was while pregnant with my second. As you can tell, there have been many re-occurances since we got married. Each time I am crushed beyond words. Each time he gets a little slap on the hand from the bishop and he decides that if he just doesn't think about it, he'll be ok.

I am now pregnant with our 4th child...and I just found out that he's been having a problem since long before our child was conceived. But I am 11 weeks and I JUST found out last week. I cannot convey the amount of hurt, pain, anger and frustration I have. I've cried more in the past few days then I ever realized a person could.

I understand that addicts do certin things because they are addicts - that doesn't make it any easier on me, nore do I like it. I have such a hard time understanding how you can being so much heartache and pain and sorrow to someone you "love" and made covenents to. EVERY single problem we have in our marriage stems from his problem...I feel like I have nothing with him. He doesn't talk to me (we don't have conversations), we don't go on dates, we don't do anything together, there is NO trust, he is unkind, he doesn't do anything for me (such as notes, flowers, little things to say I love you), and I often feel very alone. He has never said he is sorry. He has never looked or acted sorry. And If I don't "get over it" in about 4 weeks or less, he is ultra mad and cannot understand why I keep holding on to it. I feel ugly and repulsive...we haven't been intimate for about 6 weeks now and I don't understand how or why he'd rather "be with himself" then with me. Each time I even begin to heal my own heart, he ripps it out and tears it up again. I truely believe that for most of our time together, he has spent in active addiction. I have asked him to move out - I need to distance myself from the pain for a little while. I need to know what others have done to get thru this. I am truely lost this time.

[StrawberryFields]

I am so sorry for your pain. Here at LDS.Net there is a support group. It is at the bottom of the page on this link. It is a private group so you will need to be invited just click the link.

Groups » support groups » LDS Mormon Network

All my best, SF

[Misshalfway]

First off I am sending you one of my best hugs! I understand. I wish I didn't but I do. I know how heart wrenching PA can be. I know how confusing and crazy-making and twisted it makes everything. Please know that there is hope!! Absolute hope for recovery and healing.

I am pleased to hear that you have asked him to move out. That might sound kinda rough to some, but from my experience, this kind of boundary is a good thing for lots of reasons. I know it isn't easy and I know it adds stress, but it seems the like one of the only ways to really establish a healing plan for yourself and hopefully the igniting of a recovery plan for him.

Remember that PA at its core isn't about sex. It is about out of balance emotions. It is tied to the way your H is choosing to deal with life.....or more accurately NOT dealing with life. Remember that it isn't about YOU or how beautiful you are or how attractive you should be. I know those feelings all too well and I have learned that the repeated viewing of this stuff warps the perceptions and turns our H's away from the beauty of reality. So, don't use his PA evaluations to judge whether or not you are beautiful. You are enough. You have always been enough! And he is missing how wonderful you are right now.

Please know, my dear, that you didn't cause this and you are aren't to blame for his continued involvement. And sadly, you can't control it or him or when or if he gets help. But let me be clear, from what I tell from your post, he does need help. You can only control what you will do and what you will live with. This is why I am pleased to see you setting boundaries for yourself. This is the number one key to recovery! Learning about self care. It is the key for both of you. But, it may take some really tough moments to motivate your H to be able to get honest, come out of denial and get help. But, the stronger you are with your boundaries, the more power you give him to find his own strength.

This is hard hard stuff. But know you are not alone. One of the best things you can do is to get educated. Learn what PA is and what it isn't. I have found that it is helpful to know when it is the addiction you are talking to and how to see the manipulations or blame shifting etc. etc. that happens in our interactions with them. Once I discovered 'addict speak' it was like a liberation day for me. Up until then, I thought he was right and everything really was my fault. I think it is also helpful to understand how powerful shame and denial are and how they manifest themselves. It is also good to understand something I call "porn fog".

There really isn't an easy way out, I am sorry to say. There isn't around or over......only through. BUT, there is peace and joy even in the journey and I wish you peace as you learn what you need to thru this experience. Remember too, that it isn't all bad. There are nuggets of truth and even joy thru this process. So, don't forget to count your blessings. Know that hard isn't always bad. And I know that isn't much consolation when your world has been devistated like it has. I remember I used to describe PA like a tornado and I felt like I was standing in the remains of its damage path.

Father in Heaven is there. He knows. He understands and he absolutely WILL turn this thing for good, if you both choose to let him.

Peace. Strength. Clarity. Truth. Hope. These are the things that have gotten me through. Along with some really wonderful people who were kind enough to point the way for me.

I sent you a PM. And feel free to PM me any time.

Much love.

MHW

[countrygirl66]

HI sad
Sorry you are having to go through so much. I am glad to hear you are setting boundries for yourself. I have so many family members that deal with so many different addictions. At the core of addiction in my experience is selfishness which leads to physical and mental addiction that warps how you see your family and the world. Some get into so much of a fog that they can't see it. By having him out of the house for a bit you can rebuild what you need to for the kids and yourself. He will be able to have a time out and make some decisions. Maybe admit that this is a serious problem. When my s/inlaw left my brother it made him reevaluate what he wanted out of life. She put boundries in place before she considered coming home. It gave her control over her life and home. Good luck and be gentle with yourself. There is a beauty all its owns in you that has nothing to do with how you look just who you are.

[Starfish]

Our stake has a program for this. Meetings for the addicted and meetings for spouses. They are really helpful. Check and see if this is in your area.

Ours is run by our ex-bishop (& wife) who volunteered to start it in our stake when he was released. He saw the HUGE need for it.

Best wishes.

[Hemidakota]

This is the greatest problem in the church among males. Sad to hear it.

SadSnowWhite, welcome to the forum.

[maria1981]

Originally Posted by Hemidakota

This is the greatest problem in the church among males. Sad to hear it.

SadSnowWhite, welcome to the forum.

this is right and not just in the church ,
males are made up of testosterone
think about sex all the time
women find this easyer to deal with as we dont have a raging hormon which does this to u we are more loving and so on
men weather we like it or not are made this way and they have a big battle to fight against it
but thats not to say they cant fight as there are meny males who do

good luck u have had some very good addvice on here by truthful people

hugs and smiles ur way

[mannisue]

Please--let me hug you, love you and pray for you! I won't presume to know anything about your situation, but our Father does. I pray that you find the support and solutions you need.

Love, your sister,
mannisue

[Carolear]

Hi,
This is the 3rd time I'm recommending this movie called FIREPROOF. It is a Christian based movie with Kirk Cameron. If it weren't for a cross that is shown a couple of times you would think it was written by LDS.
The main character is a firefighter, addicted to porn, and his marriage is failing. He was raised Christian, but left that behind as an adult.
If you do nothing else, go see this movie with or without him. It will change your marriage and give you hope again.
I've been married 40 yrs and my DH and I are like roomates. I felt there was no hope after all these years and the future wasn't bright. Believe me this movie will give you back some hope and help you cope.
Hugs
Carole

[hiram]

Hello,
I am not LDS, but can suggest something that may help. Being in the computer industry, I'd highly recommend something to guard your computers. If your H is willing to agree that he should stop, he may allow you to install something like Net Nanny on your computer(s) where you control the password. Someone in your church may be able to help. Another option I intend to use for my kids to protect them is OpenDNS, which is free and an online version, so no software to install. May take a little help to set it up depending on your technical savvy.
My last piece of help, coming from a non-LDS, may not be what you'd typically hear, but being from a guy hopefully it will make sense. I read a large scale study (before the Internet was around) that something like over 95% of men have and do masturbate at some level, and someone joked that the other 5% are lying... With the Internet, this has just made it way more of an outlet. I understand that it is considered a sin, so I will try to be sensitive, but it sounds like your husband also has a bigger problem than masturbation if he is also so insensitive to your feelings. The masturbation is about the male body, not whether you are pretty enough for him or not. To men, it's often much less personal than physical. HOWEVER, because you were married with an understanding of certain standards you'd both keep, I'd tackle it from that angle and see if he can commit to some form of Internet control between the two of you and maybe one good friend to confide in or a counselor.
You are right to set boundaries. It really is an unfortunate problem the Internet has enabled. Don't be too hard on yourself or your husband. See if you can try to understand him, his male issues and work out a way to stop it together. Let him know how much you want to meet his needs, but keep your standards where you both agreed to keep them when married.
I might also recommend some marriage counseling for working on it. Him dismissing you isn't a good thing... Sorry about what's happening and hope it works out for the best...