Help!

leming6 · #1 (**permalink**) 11-19-2008, 07:46 PM

I've noticed a lot of these topics are about abusive relationships and I am seeking some advice but not for anything abusive, more neglect. I have been married for nine years and have six children, one of which has passed away. That was the turning point in my marriage. At the time I was supporting my husband and his feelings because he constantly told me that I was the strong one and I couldn't cry because it would make him cry. I was the dutiful wife and didn't mourn my baby like I needed to. Everything from the time we found out about his problems during pregnancy to the end of the funeral was about my husband. I supported him and got him through the whole ordeal, but now he won't talk about it. Since then I feel like he has put my feelings aside a lot. I lost my trust in him and that closeness we were getting during the first few years of our marriage. I tried for so long to support him in all he does. Our most recent event has been a long move so he could return to school to get a better job. Things just got worse the few months after the move. He now doesn't want to do school. I am upset because he moved us away from my family, our house, and everything our kids knew to a place I don't want to live. I told him that I would move if and only if he was serious about school and that this is what he really wanted. Now he has changed his mind. Another reason I don't trust him. There are many more details about our marriage but this is the jist of it. I finally gave up. I can't keep ignoring my feelings and having him not listen to me and not respect me. I tried to be the good LDS wife for so long but I don't know if I can keep going. We talked about counseling, but will that really get him to listen to me or will it be a waste of time? I just want him to care and really listen and acknowledge my feelings and emotions.

countrygirl66 · #2 (**permalink**) 11-19-2008, 10:40 PM

Wow it sounds like you guys have had a really difficult time. I am sorry for the loss of your baby. The only advice I would give you is this. Me and my h are soooo very different. In emotional situations we get him through it and then he is ready to move on. I have to pretty much demand that he gets me through it too. (not fair) I have found the best way for me to accomplish this is by writing him letters. Sometimes they are 10 pages long, but it helps me to get my feelings out and to feel heard. I don't know your situation exactly, but counciling may be a good idea. Maybe your h is having feelings that he isn't sharing with you. Maybe because you had to be the strong one. Take gentle care.

leming6 · #3 (**permalink**) 11-19-2008, 11:21 PM

Maybe I will try writing a letter. I don't know how I would say what I would need to. It's been four and half years. I am afraid of hurting him, but he needs to know how I feel. Hopefully this will get him to listen and understand what I have been trying to tell him for years, but not in so many words. A good letter might be a good way to get him to really listen. I'll let you know.

StrawberryFields · #4 (**permalink**) 11-20-2008, 12:15 PM

I have also replied to your post in the grieving support group but letter writting is something I have also done from time to time. I was smiling when I had read that suggestion, I had forgotten how much it helped me to feel heard.

Hugs, SF

Loudmouth_Mormon · #5 (**permalink**) 11-20-2008, 04:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by leming6

We talked about counseling, but will that really get him to listen to me or will it be a waste of time? I just want him to care and really listen and acknowledge my feelings and emotions.

Do you live near an LDS Social Services location? If so, I heartily suggest both of you attending their periodic "Strengthening Marriage" class. If he's interested in strengthening his marriage, it will help. If he isn't, it might help you.

LM

leming6 · #6 (**permalink**) 11-20-2008, 05:41 PM

I know he wants to fix things. I'll have to look into one of those classes. Thank you.

katiekins · #7 (**permalink**) 11-21-2008, 10:58 PM

I would definitely recommend letters just like it has been said. Letters are amazing even if you don't actually give them to you husband. They give you a chance to get all your feelings out. They don't have to make sense, be grammatically correct, or even flow normally. Just start writing and it will amaze you what will come out and how much clarity you gain by writing. I often write letters just to figure out how I really feel about things.

I also find it really helpful to write letters to each other in tender or hurtful situations. The letters don't talk back, you can finish your thoughts without interruptions. Then each spouse has the time to read, reflect and respond to the feelings in the letter.

I wish you the best and hope that you will be comforted in this difficult time.

Much love,

Katie

ZionWoman · #8 (**permalink**) 11-22-2008, 06:12 PM

Wait, it's been 4 1/2 years since your baby died? Have you had a baby since then? If so, no wonder he leans on you, you must the emotionally strongest person in the world! You also reach the top of the list for not losing it during that whole ordeal.

Listen, you can't be a good wife bottling your feelings. Bottling only works for food and drink, okay maybe the occasional cosmetic... but you need to find a safe place and let everything out before it eats you up! If there isn't church social services where you live (there isn't here) just find a good therapist or grief councilor. If you don't want to include your husband, you don't have to.

You have to be okay yourself to be strong for your family. Praying for the for you.

Carolear · #9 (**permalink**) 11-26-2008, 08:15 PM

Hi,
I've been married 40 yrs with 5 adult children and 21 grandbabies. If you saw us at church you might even wish you had my kind of marriage. We are HS sweethearts.
However, sometime ago we became more roomates than a married couple. No hugs, kisses, talking, etc.
I went and saw the movie FIREPROOF last week and I now have hope that I can find the love and caring that USED to be in our marriage. It is based on a couple on the verge of divorce. He talks to his Dad who challenges him to do a 'dare to love' book first. It basically gets him to realize that his marriage is what he puts into it.
I don't want to give it all away..but it is a MUST see for everyone. It is a Christian based story, no sex or swearing. I wish the LDS had made one for us!
Please go see this movie, it changed my future!
Hugs
Carole

leming6 · #10 (**permalink**) 11-27-2008, 04:49 AM

After all the thinking and writing I've been doing I realized that I just can't ever give up, no matter what happens. He has his problems, but so do I. This past week I did give up being angry and hurt about everything and did a lot more talking. I have found some new friends in our new home and have had major improvement in our relationship. We still have work to do, but my role is to not give up and turn away. I do love him and I don't want to lose that. I have been happier the past few days and am looking forward to keeping it that way. I just have to remember not to give up on our relationship. It's important to remember why we got married in the first place and why we wanted a family together. The spark is coming back and so is the respect we have for each other. Thank you for all the advice, I really appreciate all the comments.