Daughter won't let the grandkids visit

[grandpalw]

Generally_me, I did not feel that you were accusing at all, non whatsoever. I just understand how difficut it can be to fully explain a situation and knew my original post could use some clarification. I share completely in your observations but are loathe to ever speak these concerns to her as we realize our place is not to interfere with our childrens decisions. Thank you agian for your time and your counsel.

[pam]

I do hope at some point that your daughter realizes what a tough job it is to be a parent. Especially in a larger family where more feelings and emotions and thoughts have to be taken into consideration. Sounds like she has a small family right now and doesn't entirely appreciate all that it takes.

[Loudmouth_Mormon]

Hi grandpalw,

My wife and I will never let her parents and siblings be alone with our kids. But that's because they harbor, defend, and refuse to see the danger inherent in, child sex abusers. Some of them are sex abusers themselves.

It pains us that our kids don't have grandparents who aren't dangerous to our peace and safety. Tell you what, you can come visit ours in Colorado, and you and the 5 yr old can have as many short-tempered shouting matches as you want.

I have no idea what's going on with your daughter, though. Maybe she just really does want peace and quiet. If that's true, it doesn't matter one whit how many callings you've held, how devout you are in church service, or how many distinguished guests you've had in your home. She ain't gonna expose her kids to that, and you'd better get used to it, no matter how painful.

By way of advice, please consider knocking off the attempts to get her to change her mind. Just accept that she's the boss, and if she changes her mind, it will be on her terms, not yours. Go visit the kids and be nice. Bring small gifts. Smile and be polite and civil. If a month goes by and it's going well, and she starts relaxing around you, maybe offer to take everyone out for burgers (or whatever enjoyable thing you all can come up with.)

If you find out you just can't for the life of you let it go and be nice and let matters drop, then her side of the story looks pretty good to me. Go fix yourself first, before trying to get her to change. I mean really - how much time should I want to spend with someone that keeps harping about how much pain they're in due to me?

LM

[grandpalw]

I don't have shouting matches with 5 yr olds, just teenagers.

[annewandering]

A long time ago my brother and his wife decided that their kids, same age as ours at the time, were not allowed to play with ours because they were bad examples to their kids. (Not sure still why they thought that but I suspect it has to do with my sil's abusive upbringing)
We were insulted but since we didnt live near them much in the years since it hasnt really affected us in an immediate sense.
They home schooled their kids so the kids didn't have bad influences at school.
As time went by and their kids still had problems they have apparently let up on their views a bit. The last two children have even attended public school. Now they do not appear to regard our kids as immoral heathens. It would be a bit hypocritical since their kids are not perfect. In fact they are quite usual in their behaviour. Some good and some not so good.
My brother and his wife thought they could protect their kids if they eliminated outside influences. It didn't work.
I wonder if your daughter isn't doing the same thing. She is trying really hard to do her best and may feel like she has to do a perfect job. It's not going to work and over time she will probably realize that.
I have noticed people with one or two children are the hardest on themselves this way. They dont have enough experience and are terrified of failing.
Perhaps you could help her out by telling her how she is trying to be the best possible parent to her kids and how much she obviously cares about them. Help her feel confident that she can be a good parent. Then help her understand that her children have their own spirits. They are not her creations. Her controlling their every moment of life wont prevent them from encountering pain. It is her job to teach them to deal with experience not totally shield them from it.