HELP!!!! Marriage Slipping!!!!

[CSS4Life]

My wife and I have been married for almost two years now. We have a great relationship and we love each other. Needless to say, we both know that we would lay our lives down for each other. When we were first married we were "two peas in a pod." We were inseparable and we were happy. During our first year of marriage we both felt that we had been blessed tremendously! We both have great full-time jobs that pay very well and we are both going to school part-time.

Here is my first issue. Our intimacy has diminished and is continuing to fall quite rapidly. I have talked to my wife about this and she understands that I see an issue and that it is getting worst by the minute. I have tried everything in the book to spice things up again. But nothing seems to work. I feel like the more I try with failed attempts the more I feel depressed and overwhelmed. I am starting to get the idea that I'm am the only one in the marriage that is working to make things better. We recently moved to a new area and I don't have anyone I feel comfortable talking to. Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!!

Second, when we were first married, having a child was in a few of our conversations. We recently have adopted a dog and I have heard her mention that, "we have a dog, why do we need kids?" On another occasion, she has told me that she does not want to have any kids. I love kids and I want kids and she knows this. I know I may not have the financial ability to support a non-working mother and one kid.

I'm hanging on my last thread. I'm starting to feel selfish because I keep working at it and nothing happens. What do you do in this type of situation? What do you do when you marry someone you thought was one way and then after you get married they turn into someone else?

[FairChild]

I know this may be a crazy question, but what do you mean spice things up? Are you talking sex, romance or perhaps building a deeper and more loving relationship?

[CSS4Life]

Well sex/romance is a big part of marriage. Yes I do feel that sex and romance is missing or diminishing from our marriage. I feel that currently it's one sided.

[Gwen]

resources/links for your marriage

sounds like there is something she is feeling/thinking about that yall aren't talking about. i can tell ya not wanting kids is a huge turn off for a woman's libido. that's where kids come from so the desire bottoms out. why the change on wanting kids? is the dog out of control, is she worried she won't be able to handle kids? just cause she changed doesn't mean she was intending to mislead you before. sometimes things change, sometimes circumstances/new info comes up you weren't expecting that change your opinion from what it was a few yrs or even a few months earlier.

[Loudmouth_Mormon]

I can recommend a very good book for the two of you: And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage Through Sexual Fulfillment. It is a very respectful and detailed instruction manual, but it also delves into a bunch of common problems couples and spouses have. It's received the bretheren's nod of approval.

LM

[ryanh]

Two years huh? So the honeymoon phase is wearing off fast now, if not completely gone. How much reading have you done regarding the typical progression and changes of marriage relationships?

You say “tried everything in the book to spice things up again”. The connotations of that statement indicate approaching it like a man typically would – as would be expected as that is precisely the perspective you are coming from. You might need to look at your intimate relationship through different paradigms. How much have your efforts been in the form of service and serving your wife?

Can’t suggest much as I don’t know what you have or have not done. It would be helpful to know what you have read, or other efforts (not specifics on technique or anything!!!! ) you have made to turn things around. How much have you searched LDS.org for general conference talks on marriage?

It does sound like you are facing some of the typical changes and maturity of relationship that makes a marriage “work”, not automatic bliss. It takes effort and refinement.

Men marry a woman hoping she will never change, only to find she often will. Women marry a man hoping to change him, only to find he often won’t. It’s just a sad fact of life that frustrates both genders.

Trust me, I fully understand how important intimate connections and compatibility are in marriage. President Kimball referred to sexual incompatibility as the primary cause of divorce among LDS according to ‘research’ by the Church. But, for many men, being in a marriage is simply going to be a continual frustration that you will have to accept in order to stay married. You simply may never be able to feel as close and emotionally connected with your wife as you want to be, in the manner that would be your first choosing. Look for other ways that are mutually satisfying to both of you, even if not the ‘best’ choice for you.

Do lots of reading. Five Love Languages is a good place to start if you haven’t already.

[CSS4Life]

Thanks everyone for your comments.

Gwen, no the dog is not a problem at all. We adopted him 6 months ago and the foster family trained him. So he is very well behaved. I have known my wife long enough that she would never lead me astray.

Loudmouth_Mormon, thanks I'll take a look at that book. I haven't heard about that one before.

Ryanh, I love service and I try to serve my wife as much as I can. Not because I have too, because I want too. "A clean kitchen is a happy wife." I will take a look at your book.

Thanks again everyone!

[Ruck]

One more book you might want to check out is called:

Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments by Jeffrey R. Holland

My wife's grandpa asked me to read it after we were married. A great book that you should check out, talking about love and making it last.

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

I would also suggest the following book Living a Covenant Marriage, edited by Douglas E. Brinley and Daniel K Judd.

[LDSVALLEY]

Originally Posted by CSS4Life

My wife and I have been married for almost two years now. We have a great relationship and we love each other. Needless to say, we both know that we would lay our lives down for each other. When we were first married we were "two peas in a pod." We were inseparable and we were happy. During our first year of marriage we both felt that we had been blessed tremendously! We both have great full-time jobs that pay very well and we are both going to school part-time.

Here is my first issue. Our intimacy has diminished and is continuing to fall quite rapidly. I have talked to my wife about this and she understands that I see an issue and that it is getting worst by the minute. I have tried everything in the book to spice things up again. But nothing seems to work. I feel like the more I try with failed attempts the more I feel depressed and overwhelmed. I am starting to get the idea that I'm am the only one in the marriage that is working to make things better. We recently moved to a new area and I don't have anyone I feel comfortable talking to. Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!!

Second, when we were first married, having a child was in a few of our conversations. We recently have adopted a dog and I have heard her mention that, "we have a dog, why do we need kids?" On another occasion, she has told me that she does not want to have any kids. I love kids and I want kids and she knows this. I know I may not have the financial ability to support a non-working mother and one kid.

I'm hanging on my last thread. I'm starting to feel selfish because I keep working at it and nothing happens. What do you do in this type of situation? What do you do when you marry someone you thought was one way and then after you get married they turn into someone else?

Read 7 habits of highly effective families by Stephen R Covey. Who is a church member but it is not a church book. After reading it several times, buying many copies and giving them to others I found it works. I am not smart enough to apply it always but when things get rough in my marriage i pick it up again and things get back on track.

Until you read it follow this advice from it but based on my memory of what it says.

Love her. Love is a verb and a noun. When we are active in loving then the spirit of love returns or grows. We must first love then we become in love.

It is hard to do but I have learned to force myself to repeat love her over and over again when I am trying to get us back to where we want to be. I ignore the digs, and comments and talk kindly and loving. I go out of my way to do little things for her, wash dishes without asking, sweep the floor, give extra hugs or kisses even if they are not encouraged at first.

After a week of forcing myself to do it then it becomes natural. Usually at two weeks she is doing it as well and things are good again. After going through this routine a few times my wife often starts the process herself without having read the book because she sees that it works. It would be better if I could keep in this frame of mind but life gets in the way and I neglect the habit and things go down again.

The idea marriage is 50-50 is a farce. Sometimes it's 90-10, 60-40 etc. 50-50 is not marriage but a divorce settlement. I don't make promises lightly ever but I have experienced this habit enough that I will promise you things will be better if you read it and apply it. Even better if the two of you can read it and apply it together. But even one is enough.