Need some advice about spouse addicted to pornography

[creditfortrying]

Hey everyone...

I needed to come on here and hopefully find some support. I don't want to go to my family or friends in fear that this will get out.

Long story short, when my husband and I dated he admitted that in highschool he had an issue with pornography but promised me it had been done with for a long time. I believed him and still do on that account. However, not long after we married, he relapsed. I caught him on the computer. He told me he had slipped up and was so sorry, worried I was going to leave him and didn't blame me if I wanted too. I forgave him and he promised never to do it again.

We've been married almost six years now and that first time, unfortunately wasn't the last time. Each time he says he is sorry and is ashamed of it. We've done the 12 step program, we've seen the bishop and he is good for a time. It had been two years since the last time and just a few days ago I had this sinking feeling in my stomach. He had been acting like he had in the past when he has been looking at porn. Distant, moody... I went to his phone and found out my gut was right again. I asked him about it and he admitted it had been a problem while he had been deployed for a year (He just came home.)

He said he was sorry again and I truely believe he is but at the same time I have heard all of this before. This time I am really struggling to trust him again. I am really struggling to pretend like nothing is wrong for our two kids sake. I am not mad, just very hurt and disappointed. He is my best friend, and he is the one I want to be with forever. It is just THIS! And it's a BIG this. I have stood by and supported him, loved him, forgiven him again and again and I want to believe him but I question now if that is the right thing to do this time. I don't ever want to feel this way again. Its so hard not to feel like I am competing with plastic surgery and photoshop. I used to love the way I looked and now it just doesn't feel like its enough. I know that isn't the case but its so hard not to give into that.

I just don't know how to trust him again when I have heard all of this before. I feel like such a failure although he assures me none of this is my fault and he hates how this whole thing has made me feel.

But when is enough, enough? I want to believe him so much. I used to know he loves me, but now I am not so sure. I don't want this stuff anywhere near my little one's. And I am tired of having to work so hard to trust him.

Other than this, our life is great. Our children are amazing and we get a long great. We rarely ever have a disagreement and we communicate really well. But there is this huge problem that I don't know what to do anymore about.

I've done everything I can. I have spent almost six years loving him through this, but I hear him say he is sorry and that he is done and it sounds so familiar. I know without this our life would be amazing.

I guess I just want to know, at what point do I say I'm done? Because I don't think I can take it again, especially if I manage to go back to trusting him.

[Eowyn]

I don't know that I have great advice, but I'm sorry you're going through this. Porn is so insidious and destructive.

[Windseeker]

It looks like you have tried everything and with that and your comments about your husband in mind I offer you this advice.

This is his cross to bear and its time you let him deal with this on his own. So let it go. Stop checking up on him. Let him know you love him and trust him and have the faith and strength enough to let him fight this battle on his own. That you are grateful that he has not given up. That you will be there to support him and will ever be by his side. Let him know how grateful you are that he continues to fight this. This is all you can do.

The more you understand his problem the more you should love him and the less you should feel like your competing with those "other" women. Do you really think he loves those women? Being voted Sexiest woman in the world several years in row didn't seem to help Elizabeth Hurley from Hugh Grant digging around the trash now did it, nor did it help Top model and 3 time Sports Illustrated cover model Christie Brinkley.

The more that you take this personally and allow this to hurt you and burden you the more likely it will destroy your marriage. Stop focusing on his problems and focus on your own. You are already practiced in forgiving him for your differences. You wouldn't have come this far if you hadn't. This is another difference and a very fundamental difference between men and women.

From what you have written it sounds like you have an Eternal Marriage and I hope you realize how lucky you are.

[creditfortrying]

I've tried letting him do this himself and it hasn't worked. I don't check up on him like I think you mean. I can pick up on the signs that something is off. I waited a few weeks to see if it was just a bad time for him before I decided to check his phone. I know snooping was wrong but this feeling has been right every time. And honestly I was afraid he wouldn't admit it unless I saw it for myself. Again I waited for weeks for the gut feeling to go away.

And I do know not to go there with not feeling like I am enough but after having gone through this so many times its very hard not too. Most people going through this feel that way.

My problem is how do I trust him after having gone through this so many times, him saying the same things? I want to forgive him, I want to trust him but all his promises to be done and so forth sound so familiar.

It gets harder to trust him each time.

And that's hugely what I am asking how to do.

I know I am so blessed and I do know how lucky I am. But I want this to stop. Its hurting him and I want to trust him again.

[Eowyn]

You can't trust someone who isn't behaving in a trustworthy way. I know you want to trust him, but he's shown that in this area, you can't. So maybe pray for the ability to cope and feel peace, how to protect your children from pornography, and guidance in general.

[Jennarator]

Learn about addiction. Learn a lot. Addiction is real. Block the sites with K(. It's free. Be there as a support. This has nothing to do with you. You are not competition. The twelve step program is ongoing. He will never be "cured" that's why he needs to go to the program, always. You can go, too. To support him. Let him know he can come to you, or someone else he trusts if he slips up. This will help the slips not turn into a full relapse. There is a difference. If he doesn't have someone he can admit the slips to, the are much more likely to turn into a relapse. This person he admits it to should not be a judge, but someone that he can be totally honest with that won't judge him, but support and encourage him. This person needs to check in with him regularly. (A "sponsor" sort of thing. Someone in the church is best as to be able to encouage him to see the bishop.
Good luck.....I have been the spose of an addict. Only me EX was addicted to other things. But I have family memebers with this addiction, it is just as difficult. We are hear to listen. GOOD LUCK!
Oh, and OS, I know most men would never ask for a blessing, but perhaps one would help, in so many ways. One way is just as a reminder that Heavenly Father loves him and knows what he is going through.

[Jennarator]

Also the reason he is afraid to come to you and waits so long is not because he is trying to be dishonest, it's because he knows it is serious and doesn't want to lose you. Not that it's okay to be dishonest, but that's why. Let him know you will support him.

[Windseeker]

I feel like such a failure although he assures me none of this is my fault and he hates how this whole thing has made me feel.

Can you see the cycle? He fails, he feels horrible, he seeks comfort by failing again.

Trust and Forgiveness.

There is something wrong with how trust is happening here. You want to believe him when he says he won't do it again? How about you believe that he doesn't want to do it again but understand he will fall. Whats important is that he gets up and trys again. Could the fact he knows you don't trust him cause him to self comfort? Can you love him like his Father in Heaven loves him?

How about you start thinking out of the box. You want to shake things up?

Walk up to him and tell him to please stop apologizing to you and asking for your forgiveness. That if he wants to look at porn it's between him and his Heavenly Father who loves him more completely than he could ever realize. That you will support him and be by his side. That it no longer hurts you because you understand it's part of his nature and you love him the way he is. That you recognize and appreciate his struggle and that if he falls it's ok. If he wants to talk to you about it then you will listen but it's not necessary. Tell him to just keep trying and never give up because you won't give up on him. If you can get to the point that you can say these things with confidence and sincerity then it will pull away one of the crutches that perpetuate this problem.

The wonderful thing is that you will be free. Free to enjoy your family and stop beating yourself up because of his struggles. It may free him from part of the guilt that is keeping him in this cycle.

Unfortunately you can't change him and don't have a choice but to let him do this himself and watch him fall over and over. You can pray and can accept that this is his struggle, not yours. You can Trust that he will fight the good fight, and continue fighting. You can stop blaming yourself you've done nothing to cause this.

The way you've handled this and how it makes you feel is very normal as well.

I wouldn't expect you to buy this, but I listen to his radio show and it aligns well (not perfectly) with our LDS beliefs. The Dennis Prager Store: Men's Sexual Nature 1: Understanding and Demystifying the Monster (Mp3 Download)

Dennis believes that once women understand the challenges men face trying to control their sexual instincts, they will better appreciate the decency of the men in their lives.

[Eowyn]

Your philosophy sounds a little "boys will be boys", Windseeker.

[Windseeker]

Originally Posted by Eowyn

Your philosophy sounds a little "boys will be boys", Windseeker.

From certain angles Charity can look like that.

No where do I condone the sin, and it is a sin. What ever fears the wife has about the husbands problem, I don't think she's alone, the husband in this case must share these same fears. Is he not concerned about his worthiness, about costing his family blessings, about the deeper sins this path can lead too and the threat of the destruction of his family?
Why does it cause him to be distant and moody? Not because he lacks concience I assure you.

The OP obviously loves her husband but the way of dealing with this is wearing her down and it's going to wear their marriage down. In this case the husband seems to be managing it but not overcoming it. Perhaps if she understood the problem better and could withdraw some of the proverbial fuel from the fire he might have an increased chance of gaining the upper hand.

...little insight, so you can consider the source (me) and disregard everything I've said

I struggled with this thru my whole mission. My Mission President was aware, I tried everthing I could to combat it. Despite this issue I was called to leadership positions in my mission where not only was I interviewing potential members but other missionarys regularly. I had to council others about this very thing while I struggled with it myself. I thought I could beat it, but never did. I was disappointed, depressed and on the verge of wanting to end my life that last week in the mission field. I felt my whole mission was pointless. My President, though disappointed I didn't prevail, reminded me of my success. Not only had I seen allot of baptisms but I was able to see several entire families join the church in a mission where that was almost unheard of. I am comforted to know that despite my struggle the Holy Ghost was there by my side. Now I'm sure I could have had even more success if I would have not had the struggle. There were times I did not feel the spriit, where I felt angry and ashamed. But I never gave up. How long shall rolling waters remain impure? When we have problems and habits like this we must move forward and keep at the fight.

Truth is, I continue to struggle with this on and off. It played it part in ruining my first marriage. I think in some ways it wore my wife out. She left me and our kids. Riotous living...kind of an understatement. I was forgiving but in the end she couldn't forgive herself. She called me up years later and in tears told me my struggle was to blame. I don't think it needed to be that way. She allowed all the good things to be overshadowed, drowned out by this thing. I'm not a bad person. I consider myself kind of a catch despite my struggle.

I've seen those that struggle in later years with this issue and I'm determined not to be like that. I don't want to lose the love and respect of my wife, my children and grandchildren. I hate the problem and have made great progress. I've been told the same thing by many respected Priesthood leaders, that if you keep up the fight it will become easier with age. I've found this to be true. I'm confident one day I will be totally free.