How do you deal with a disrespectful adult child?

Sunshine40 · #1 (**permalink**) 07-10-2012, 06:25 AM

Hello All.
I have a 20 year old living at home (she is a full time student and has a job as well, so she is not a bum) who also goes to church every week and fulfills her calling as a primary teacher. So why am I complaining, right? there are good things to look at..

Nevertheless. At home, she has no respect for other people. Her younger sister (13) is constantly berrated by swear words and nasty comments. ('You're stupid, you're ugly, I hate you" etc.,) She calls me a crack head often and blames her parents for anything going wrong in her life. She is constantly putting other people down..and I want her out of my house . It is SO much more peaceful when she just is not here..but my husband wants her to stay, to "help her out" and she IS moving out next winter..So as i am countiing down the months and days, and teaching my children to turn the other cheek and bless them and pray for them that curse you..etc.. HER behavior does NOT change. Whenever I talk to her about it she tells me "mom, why can't you appreciate that I am the ONLY one of my friends that is even temple worthy"....as if that is an excuse to be emotionally abusive to anyone.

What do I do? My 13 year old is REALLY hurting and ahs a SUPER low self esteem as a result. (yes I am taking into account that she is 13 and it goes with the territory, but she is normally a really positive individual)

Loudmouth_Mormon · #2 (**permalink**) 07-10-2012, 06:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunshine40

How do you deal with a disrespectful adult child?
...
I want her out of my house. It is SO much more peaceful when she just is not here..but my husband wants her to stay, to "help her out" and she IS moving out next winter.

The problem isn't with this 20 yr old, it's with your husband. I suppose you solve the problem by figuring out things with him.

anatess · #3 (**permalink**) 07-10-2012, 07:15 AM

Talk to her woman-to-woman about how her Temple Worthiness is not showing at home. All her friends may not be temple worthy but she can't be temple worthy either having a dirty mouth like that. It's high time she understands that her temple worthiness may be subject to review or that she may only be temple worthy on paper.

There are house rules. You live in the house, you follow the rules. She breaks the rules - I don't care if she's the Queen of England - she gets to move out so she can make her own rules. You don't put a 13-year-old at a disadvantage to please a 20-year-old and a husband. You get to fight for your 13-year-old. If she was younger than 18, you get to whip her butt into shape. It's too late for that now.

Dravin · #4 (**permalink**) 07-10-2012, 07:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunshine40

Whenever I talk to her about it she tells me "mom, why can't you appreciate that I am the ONLY one of my friends that is even temple worthy"....as if that is an excuse to be emotionally abusive to anyone.

My response?

"Is there anything in your conduct relating to members of your family that is not in harmony with the teachings of the Church?"

More directly related to the issue at hand, I agree with LM that you need to sit down with your Husband and agree about a plan of action so that you can present a united front.

applepansy · #5 (**permalink**) 07-10-2012, 10:38 AM

Our youngest is 24 and married. Our youngest son is 27. He's been out of the house three times. The last time he needed to move home was 3 years ago when he got custody of his son.

We do not tolerate disrespect in our home. PERIOD! My husband is less tolerant of disrespect than I am. Our son would not be living with us now except we don't know how to let him fall on his face and catch the baby (who is now 4-1/2 - we've had them both for 3 years now).

I am grateful to have our grandson living here. He's safe and loved and cared for. No more abuse and neglect.

However, Our son still has a lot of growing up to do. He's doing it but slowly. He is never disrespectful anymore. He knows he'll lose his roof, the car we allow him to drive so he can work, and his bed....and if he loses all that he might just lose his son too. So... he gets angry sometimes but no more disrespect.

Your husband needs to be on the same page as you are. Your daughter is an adult. She doesn't need protection. Your 13 yo daughter needs to be protected from her abuser. That's your job. That's your husband's job. Protect your child from the adult who is abusing her.

prisonchaplain · #6 (**permalink**) 07-10-2012, 11:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anatess

Talk to her woman-to-woman about how her Temple Worthiness is not showing at home. All her friends may not be temple worthy but she can't be temple worthy either having a dirty mouth like that. It's high time she understands that her temple worthiness may be subject to review or that she may only be temple worthy on paper.

There are house rules. You live in the house, you follow the rules. She breaks the rules - I don't care if she's the Queen of England - she gets to move out so she can make her own rules. You don't put a 13-year-old at a disadvantage to please a 20-year-old and a husband. You get to fight for your 13-year-old. If she was younger than 18, you get to whip her butt into shape. It's too late for that now.

I concur with all of this...though I might have said it more...well...PC

anatess · #7 (**permalink**) 07-10-2012, 11:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by prisonchaplain

I concur with all of this...though I might have said it more...well...PC

It would be awesome if you PC-fy it, PC!

annewandering · #8 (**permalink**) 07-10-2012, 12:36 PM

We have to deal with disrespect as well. It isnt as easy as it might seem. I wish there was an easy solution. In your case it is going to have to be a matter of priorities. A 20 year old can generally take care of themselves a lot better than a 13 year old can.
I suspect you are going to have to do a priority battle with your, apparently, enabling husband. Enabling bad behavior by accepting it.

Misshalfway · #9 (**permalink**) 07-10-2012, 03:05 PM

Perhaps there is a way to empower the younger daughter as well.

Maureen · #10 (**permalink**) 07-10-2012, 03:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunshine40

...Whenever I talk to her about it she tells me "mom, why can't you appreciate that I am the ONLY one of my friends that is even temple worthy"....

IMO, it appears her temple-worthiness is not genuine. She's answered all the questions correctly but her actions don't seem to measure up. Point out to her that she's being dishonest when she sees herself as temple-worthy. If she can't treat her family with respect, and do it with sincerity, then she's going to pay the consequences when she's on her own and others will not be as patient. Although, she should be paying the consequences now. I agree that your husband needs to support you.

M.