In need of some clean humor!

[Mahone]

Originally Posted by KrazyKay

THINGS I LEARNED FROM BEING IN TEXAS



Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road - with their feet in the air.



There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Texas.



There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a couple no one's seen before.



If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.



'Twiced' is a word.



People actually grow and eat okra



'Fixinto' is one word.



There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and then supper.



Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!



'Backwards and forwards' means I know everything about you!



Djeet is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'



You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.



You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them..



You measure distance in hours. Like its 6 hours from Houston to Dallas.



You'll probably have to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day.



'Fix' is a verb. Example: 'I'm fixing to go to the store.'



You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.



Yes, Friday night high school football games is serious football!



You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.



There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.



The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.



100 degrees Fahrenheit is 'a little warm.'



We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.



Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin' to Wally-World. '



A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.



A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop. .. . . it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example:

'What kind a coke you want?'



Fried catfish is the other white meat.

Haha, I learnt a lot from that - thanks.

[Alana]

I just got off the phone with my mother in law. Somehow we got on the subject of gyms and exercise. She said: "I have a treadmill but I never use it, it's too much work, I need one that's a lot less work."

I don't think the problem is the treadmill....

[ryanh]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my passings with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[john doe]

Guys, let's be careful here. This thread is about clean humor. Off-color or bodily function jokes are generally too easily turned into 'blue' jokes, no matter how funny they may be. We've let a few go through that have been questionable in nature, but we will be deleting ones deemed as not 'church worthy'.

[pam]

A Canadian lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack. A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe. The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost.

"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," asks the skinny guy.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it down."

The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on the lumberjack's door.

"I cut the tree down," says the guy.

The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.

"Sure!! That's what they call it now!"

[pam]

Let's please remember that we need to keep the jokes clean here. We've unfortunately had to delete another one.

[pam]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The conversation grows with astounding similarities in their pasts being revealed until they proclaim they both graduated from the same school in the same year -- and they order another drink.

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night, the Murphy twins are drinking again

[KrazyKay]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5.. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOURSELF

[pam]

A lad who pulled down the Good Book one day for a bit of study ended up scoring one for Bible literalists.

He studied the aged pages of the family Bible with fascination. Then he turned a page and found tucked into the crease a leaf placed there years ago.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

She could hear the astonishment in her son's voice as he answered. "I think it's Adam's suit!"

[pam]

Communication, the love gurus tell us, is the key to a happy relationship. But sometimes miscommunication helps, as in the case of a couple who met at a golfing resort and fell in love. They discussed how they would continue the relationship after their vacation was over.

"It's only fair to warn you, Erica," he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."

"Well, since you're being honest, John, so will I," she said. "I'm a hooker."

John thought for a moment, then added; "Hmm, well, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."