In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the funds.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to the president, who was so touched and amused that he had his secretary send the boy a $5 bill.

The boy's response:

Dear God. Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those (expletives deleted) deducted $95

[pam]

A new Restaurant opens in a city. On the window a sign says "We have all food and we mean it. If you can name something we don't have, you win one million dollars!"

A man walks by, reads the sign and says "I'll try this." So he goes in and says, "can I have caterpillar legs on rye bread?" They say coming right up.

The next day he goes in determined and says "Can I have worms in my spaghetti?"

They say "coming right up!" So he tries and tries about 9 more times. Still no one has won the money.

The 10th time he walks in and says, "Can I have elephant ears on white bread?" they say ... "of course! there's no stopping you is there ... coming right up!"

About 10 minutes later the waiter comes with the money. The man said "I thought you had it!?!" The waiter said "we had the elephant ears, but we ran out of white bread!"

[pam]

A blonde lady having coffee in a fast-food restaurant peels away the side of her paper cup to find she has won a prize. Screaming, she tells everyone, "I won! I won a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"

The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home! I won a motor home!

The restaurant manager makes his way over to the table and tells the lady: "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

Again the lady proclaims, "No, no mistake. I won a motor home!"

She hands the precious ticket to the manager who reads: "Win a bagel."

[Jamie123]

A boy gets sent home from school early.

"What did you do to get sent home?" demands his father.

The boy refuses to say. So the father puts on his hat and coat and goes to see the school Principal.

"My son was sent home from school," he says, "and I want to know why!"

"Well," says the Principal. "In scripture class today he was asked 'who knocked down the walls of Jericho' and he answered 'Well it wasn't me!'"

The father thinks about this for a moment and then replies:

"Well if he says he didn't do it, he didn't do it!"

[pam]

Hell hath no fury like a woman at a clothing store sale, as one unfortunate gentleman learned.

It was the day of the store's annual close-out sale. A long line of women had formed in front of the doors by the 8 a.m. opening time.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, knocked around a bit, then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"

[pam]

Knowing her husband's habit of sampling her baking, a woman left a note on a dozen mince tarts reading: 'Counted - one dozen.'

When she returned, two tarts were missing and the note had been altered to read: 'One metric dozen.'

[pam]

A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint. "Well it's like this, Doc," he said.

"When I drive to work in the morning, through the country lanes, I start to sing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' If I see a cat, then it's 'What's New, Pussy Cat?" It's so embarrassing, even when I'm asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, it was 'Delilah,' and my wife was not amused!"

Said the doctor, "It would appear that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Well I've never heard of that. Is it common?" asked the man.

"It's Not Unusual," the doctor replied.

[pam]

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, 'I'd like to have some birth control pills.'

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, 'Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?'

The woman responded, 'They help me sleep better.'

The doctor thought some more and continued, 'How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?'

The woman said, 'I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night.'

[pam]

A man has six children and is very proud of the fact -- so proud in fact, that he takes to calling his wife "Mother of Six," over her vehement objections.

One night they go to a party. When the man eventually gets bored, he shouts to his wife on the other side of the room, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

To which his wife, irked by his lack of discretion, shouts back: "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

[omega0401]

One day, four high school students decided to cut their morning classes. After lunch, they reported to their teacher that their car had had a flat tire. The teacher simply smiled and said, “Well, you missed the test this morning, so take your seats and get out your notebooks and take the test.”

Still smiling, she waited for them to settle down. Then she said, “First question. Which tire was flat?”