In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in quickly for heart surgery. The operation went well, and, as consciousness returned, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun asked.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith." the sister retorted. "Nuns are not 'spinsters,' they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said the patient. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[pam]

A Texas farmer on vacation in Australia meets a farmer there. As the Aussie shows off his huge wheat field, the Texan can't resist -- "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees more than 20 kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

[pam]

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

[pam]

It was decided by Microsoft during a brilliant brainstorming session that military service would improve the skills and discipline of their finest technician. So off to boot camp he went.

At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. "Hmmm," he thought, "I'll get to the bottom of this in no time."

He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He pointed his still loaded rifle at the ground in front of him and fired. A cloud of dust kicked up, and a little dimple was left there in the dust.

"Yep, it's working," he concluded.

The technician yelled out to the others at the target end, "The rifle is in working order, and the bullet seems to be leaving this end just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"

[ferretrunner]

In the bad pun category...

How do you know it was raining cats and dogs?

Because you just stepped in a poodle.

*groan*

[pam]

Yep we need a groan button.

[pam]

Testosterone flows freest, women believe, as men converse over a drink. But this version of saloon talk takes a different tack.

Three guys are talking in a tavern -- two are concerned with the amount of control they have over their wives. The third man holds his silence.

After a while, talkers turns to the silent companion to ask: "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow admits, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

"Wow! What happened then?" his drinking buddies asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"

[omega0401]

My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular “Ask Jeeves” site, and we told her it could answer any question she had. Nancy’s mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, “It’s true, mom. Think of something to ask it.”

As I sat with my fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy’s mother thought for a minute, then responded, “How is Aunt Helen feeling?”

[Moksha]

YouTube - Dancing boy in the red shirt

[pam]

Three guys found themselves in Hades: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4', dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, 'Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity with this woman!' And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, 'Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity with this woman!' And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

'Cindy, you have sinned ... '