In need of some clean humor!

[omega0401]

A little girl asked her mother whether all fairy tales began with “Once upon a time.”

“No,” replied the mother. “Today, most of them begin with ‘If I’m elected.’”

[omega0401]

Here's a renewed batch of computer (windoze?) error messages.

1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Hit any key to continue ... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Bad! Bad Command! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19. WinErr 16547: Printer Port not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20. User Error: Replace user.
21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

[thews]

Originally Posted by Angelkajm

Things right now in my life seem to be a crazy mess. I am so stressed that I can hardly sleep at night...............................so I am wondering if anyone has any funny stories to tell that might cheer me and everyone else up? In desperate need of some laughter...............oh and please keep it clean!

Watch some Brian Regan stand up DVD's... he's squeaky clean and a riot.

[pam]

This happened about 6 months ago on Louisiana Hwy 57, just outside ofDulac, a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana , and while itsounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.
An Ohio businessman, Saul Rubins, abandoned his disabled vehicle on theside of the road, and attempted to hitchhike.. The night was pitch darkinthe middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. Itwas raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.
Suddenly, through the sheets of rain, he saw a car moving slowly,approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silentlycrept toward him and stopped.. Desperately needing a ride, Saul jumped in the car and closed the door. Only then did he realize that there was no one behind the wheel and no sound of an engine to be heard over therain.

Again the car crept silently forward and Saul was terrified, too scaredtothink of jumping out and running..
He saw that the car was approaching asharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray andbeg
for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and intothebayou and he would then drown!
But just before the curve, a shadowy hand appeared at the driver'swindow,reached in and turned the steering wheel , guiding the car safely aroundthe bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through thewindowand Saul ; wasalone again.

Paralyzed with fear, Saul watched the hand reappear every time theyreached a curve.


Finally, scared nearly to death, Saul had all he couldtake, jumped out of the car, and ran to town.
Wet and in shock, he went into Schmoopy's. Voice quavering, he orderedtwocups of coffee, black, and then told everybody about his supernaturalexperience.

The room became silent and everybody got goose bumps when they realizedSaul was telling the truth (and not just somedrunk).


About 30 minuteslater two Cajuns,dripping wet, walked into Schmoopy's and one says tothe other,"Look, Boudreaux, ders dat idiot what rode in our car when we wuz pushin' it in the rain!!!"

[skippy740]

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, April 2009, Sydney University and scientists released the results
of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens),
and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women .

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!

Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer!

[pam]

Groan

[ferretrunner]

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day there was a rabbit and a snake who were both growing old and could not remember what animal they were.

"OK I'll describe you and then see if you can guess what you are." said the snake.

"That's a good idea." said the rabbit.

"You are white, fluffy, and you have big ears and feet." said the snake.

"Oh good, I'm a rabbit! So the rabbit says, "You are long, slim, and have a forked tongue."

"Oh NO, I'm a lawyer!
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Three guys had to cross a lake. The first one prayed to God for the strength, he swam across the lake, but almost died 5 times.

The second guy prayed to God for the strength and the tools, he made a boat, and rowed himself across the lake, he almost died 3 times.

The third guy prayed to God for the strength, the tools, and the brains. He turned into a girl, walked 4 yards, and crossed the bridge.
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Great Advice to Pass on to Your Daughters

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal...

[pam]

An alien walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure thing, coming right up."

He gets the alien a tall mug of coffee, and the alien drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air, and blasts it with the shotgun, then walks out.

Four days later, the alien returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Buddy, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were in here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

The alien says, "Me in training for executive management job. Drink coffee, shoot the crap and disappear for a few days."

[pam]

A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."

[Jamie123]

An abbot, a mother superior and a novice are sitting together in a boat, fishing. Suddenly the abbot says:

"Drat! I forgot to bring the sandwiches!"

So he gets out of the boat and walks across the water to his abbey on the shore and fetches the sandwiches. As soon as they start eating, the mother superior says:

"Drat! I forgot to bring the lemonade!"

So she climbs out of the boat and walks across the lake to her convent on the other side of the lake and returns with a jug of lemonade. When they have finished eating, the abbot realizes he's also forgotten to bring the thermos of coffee. So he turns to the novice and says:

"Go and fetch the coffee Cedric, there's a good lad."

So the novice climbs out of the boat and immediately sinks. The mother superior looks reprovingly at the abbot and says:

"Now why didn't you tell him about the stepping stones?"