In need of some clean humor! - Page 110

Kenny · #**1091** (**permalink**) 10-27-2009, 04:39 AM

Why is being Christian like being a pumpkin?

First God comes and takes you out of the vegetable patch.

Then he washes off all the mud and dirt and takes you into His house.

Then He opens you up and scoops out all the yucky stuff and the seeds of doubt hate and unkindness.

Then He fills you with light and warmth.

Last of all He puts a new smiley face on you that lets everybody see what's inside you.

pam · #**1092** (**permalink**) 10-28-2009, 01:20 PM

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to the elderly, a father took his 4-year-old daughter on his afternoon rounds.

The little girl was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

At one point, the father found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As the man braced himself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

pam · #**1093** (**permalink**) 10-30-2009, 05:09 PM

A young teacher of an earth science class is lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes, the teacher asks a young fellow in the back row, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"

After a confused silence the boy replied, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

Mahone · #**1094** (**permalink**) 10-30-2009, 06:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pam

At one point, the father found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As the man braced himself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

This reminds me of something that happened to me as a child. I don't remember this taking place, just what my parents have told me.

My family owned a rest home for the elderly, and a lot of the bedrooms had tubs available for the residents to keep their false teeth. I was following my mother around the various bedrooms, she cleaned the sink and it was my job to clean the tubs the teeth were normally in. I wasn't aware of their purpose however and as it was the middle of the day, they were all empty up until about the eighth room. As I opened the tub, I was greeted with a pair of false dentures smiling up at me; I nearly jumped out of my skin in fright.

As you can imagine, in every room after that, I cleaned the sink and my mum cleaned the false denture tubs.

pam · #**1095** (**permalink**) 11-02-2009, 01:28 PM

A man has his annual physical, and afterward the doctor tells him, "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," the patient says, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?" the doctor asks.

"Yes, I have," answers the man.

"Well, what did they have to say about it?" the doctor asks.

The man replies, "They're in favor, 10 to 2."

pam · #**1096** (**permalink**) 11-02-2009, 01:29 PM

A district attorney is questioning a prospective juror for a murder trial that has been publicized in all the papers.

"If the defendant were to be convicted tomorrow, could you kill him for his crime?" asks the district attorney.

"Well, no," the man replies. "But I could do it on Saturday, if that would be OK."

Jamie123 · #**1097** (**permalink**) 11-03-2009, 06:13 AM

An Indian Chief assembles his tribe and asks:

"Who push outhouse over cliff?"

Nobody says a word. Again the Chief asked and again there was silence. The Chief sighs and goes on, saying:

"Big Chief tell story. Many moons ago, George Washington was little boy. Him cut down cherry tree in his father's garden! George's father ask 'Who cut down cherry tree'. George reply 'I did, father." Him tell no lie and him get no whipping! So tell me: Who push outhouse over cliff?"

Finally the Chief's son, raises his hand.

"I push outhouse over cliff."

The Chief smacks the kid hard around both ears, sending him sprawling in the dust. He gets up and says to his father:

"You say when George Washington tell no lie him get no whipping!"

The Chief replies:

"George Washington's father NOT IN CHERRY TREE when George chop it down!"

Jamie123 · #**1098** (**permalink**) 11-03-2009, 06:20 AM

A vicar is sitting in his study writing his Sunday sermon when his 6-year-old daughter wanders into the room. She watches him for a few minutes and asks:

"Daddy, does God tell you what to write?"

"Why of course He does," replies the vicar smiling. "Why do you ask?"

"Well," replies the girl. "I was wondering why you kept crossing bits of it out!"

Jamie123 · #**1099** (**permalink**) 11-03-2009, 06:21 AM

First woman: Whatever happened to that dumb blonde your husband always used to hang out with?

Second woman: I died my hair!

pam · #**1100** (**permalink**) 11-04-2009, 06:11 PM

A 13-year-old boy is puzzled over a girl problem, and he talks it over with his 14-year-old brother.

"I've walked to school with her three times," the younger boy says. "I've carried her books. I bought her ice cream sodas twice. Now, do you think I ought to kiss her?"

"Naw, you don't need to," his brother says. "You've done enough for her already."