In need of some clean humor!

[Truegrits]

A lady took her pet white duck into the vets surgery. After examining the duck he pronounces, "Your duck is dead."

The woman asked, "Is there any other test you can do to make sure it is definitely dead?"

The vet brought in his pet black Labrador who sniffed the carcass, put its paw on the ducks chest, then walked out of the surgery uninterested.
The vet came in with his ginger tomcat that also sniffed the corpse, put its paw on the ducks chest, meowed, then jumped down from the examination table, bored.

The vet went over to his computer pressed a few keys and handed her his bill.

She looked at it, then asked him with a shocked look on her face; "Your charges are a bit steep aren't they?"

He retorted, "If you'd accepted my first die-agonises my fee would have only been $20.00, but with a lab-report and a cat-scan it came to $120.00"

[lilered]

Love Test -

How to tell if your wife/signifigant other or your dog loves you most?
Lock both in the trunk of your car.
Then, open the trunk and see who is happiest to see you.

[Truegrits]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine.'," asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you, I was loadin' my favorite mule Bessie into the ..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was drivin' down the road ..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was sayin', I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was drivin' her down the highway when this huge semi - truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurtin', real bad and didn't want to move. But, I could hear ole Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?' Now, what would you say?"

[lilered]

My wife recently accussed me of not letting her have her privacy!

Well, she didn't actually accuse me.

I read it in her diary!!

[Truegrits]

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day, a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple, she would grant each of them a very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband....Whoosh!
Immediately she had airline and cruise tickets in her hand.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger....Whoosh!
Immediately he turned ninety.

(You gotta love that fairy!!)

[pam]

Gladys is the preacher's wife and accompanies her husband each Sunday to church. Her husband is one of those long-winded types, and one particular Sunday the sermon seems to go on forever. The parishioners are squirming in their seats or falling asleep.

After the service, to be sociable, Gladys walks up to a very sleepy-looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extends her hand in greeting, and says, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

To that, the gentleman replies, "You're not the only one."

[Truegrits]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~If Life Were Like A Computer~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.

You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!

You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.

You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.

You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control...car keys...glasses.

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!

[Hemidakota]

A woman arrives at church to find her son sitting outside on the curb, pouting. She says to him in a kind voice, "Son, you need to go to church." "I don't want to. They are being mean to me", he responds. She tries several approaches with him, and finally, in desperation, she says, "But son, you HAVE to go back inside. You are the bishop!"

Glen Phenix - Apex, North Carolina, USA

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This story is fun, but not true. It has been updated for President Monson.

One day President Monson said to his chauffeur, "Instead of you driving today, let me drive the limo, and you sit in the back seat of the car." Because the President requested this, the chauffeur readily complied.

President Monson was having so much fun driving that he forgot how fast he was going. A Highway Patrol officer soon spotted this speeding car and hurried to catch up to it. He turned on his flashing lights and siren. President Monson hurried off the road and put on the brakes. The Highway Patrol officer got out of his vehicle and walked slowly to the car President Monson was driving.

President Monson rolled down the tinted window and said hello to the officer. The officer immediately recognized him and said, "How are you today, President Monson? Did you know that you were driving faster than the posted speed limit?"

"I really wasn't paying any attention; but I believe you."

The patrol officer said, "Please wait here, while I check something in my patrol car." Inside his car, the officer called his superior officer and said, "You won't believe who I just picked up for speeding; it is President Thomas S. Monson. What should I do?"

"President Monson, the President of the LDS Church?" his superior asked.

"Yes, it is definetely President Monson."

"Well, he was speeding, right?"

"Yes."

"Well, then I guess you should give him a ticket."

The Highway Patrol officer replied, "I don't dare give him a ticket. If President Monson is driving the limo, who do you think is sitting in the back seat?" (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, p. 96-97).


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Elder Boyd K. Packer wrote:

"A fellow seminary teacher had a good rebuttal to a student who said he didn't like school and wished it were out. [The teacher answered:] 'You should feel bad. I have to stay here till I'm sixty-five!'" (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, p. 90).


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Sister Wright was speaking with her neighbor about food storage. She remarked, "We used to have a year's supply of food---until John came off his mission last month and ate it!" (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, p. 75).

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Giving a lesson on prayer, the Mia Maid teacher gave various examples from the scriptures. Then, she decided to tell of a prayer that one of her unmarried female cousins had said: "I ask nothing for myself, but my brother sure wants a brother-in-law" (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, p. 123).

[Hemidakota]

Elder J. Golden Kimball Story

Elder Kimball resonated with the common man who struggled with the natural man. He was known to have bouts with depression at times over family issues and his feelings of inadequacy in his calling to Church leadership.

It is reported he once said, "I have heard so much about goodness that sometimes I get unhappy, even at conference, and I feel like a little girl I heard of who did wrong. Her mother importuned her and labored with her so much that she said, 'Mother, don't try to make me good, just shoot me'" (The J. Golden Kimball Stories, p. 109).

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"J. Golden Kimball was called down to St. George, Utah, to a dispute among the Saints who were trying to build a chapel in southern Utah. He got together two choirs for the meeting. He asked one choir to sit in the back of the chapel and had the other choir sit at the front. At his signal, the both stood up and sang a small portion of a song, each choir singing a different song.

"'How did it sound, brothers and sisters; it sounded like hell didn't it? That's the way you sound over this damn building; you can't agree'" (The J. Golden Kimball Stories, p. 105).

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Against his wishes, Golden was once asked to talk about genealogy, a topic he had no feeling for. He got up and said, "They want me to talk about genealogy. As far as I'm concerned, it's work for the dead done by the half dead." Then he sat down. (J. Golden Kimball Stories, p. 43)

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"I have learned that the Spirit of God gives you joy and peace and patience and long-suffering and gentleness, and you have the spirit of forgiveness and you love the souls of the children of men." (J Golden Kimball's Golden Moments (1994), p. 98).

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In Salina, Utah, Golden told the members: "Tithing is a commandment of the Lord; some of you aren't doing it. That's wrong. Repent!"

"Some of you are doing it. You're paying a full tithe. You feel pretty good about things. But you may be doing it with the wrong intent: Anyone who pays tithing with the idea it will bring financial reward is crazy as hell." (More J Golden Kimball Stories, p. 64).

[Truegrits]

Now that I'm 'older' here's what I've discovered:

I started out with nothing, and still have most of it.

Finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.

These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.