In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

A passer-by is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86".

The passer-by asks the man, "Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling '86, 86, 86'?"

The man says, "Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out.

The passer-by thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "Okay."

The man lifts the manhole cover, the passer-by steps into the manhole, and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling "87, 87, 87" ...

[pam]

The President slips away from his secret service personnel one night and goes for a walk. He sees a lake and decides to take a swim. He is splashing around in the lake when he starts to have trouble. Three good ol' boys see him and realize that the man in the lake is drowning. They jump in and save him, pulling him to shore. When they got him out of the water, they realized who they had saved. "Gosh you're the President!" They exclaim. The President says "Yes I am, and for saving me, I'll give you the one thing you've always wanted. Just name it and it's yours."

The first guy wants a new pickup truck, so the President tells him to go pick it out.

The second guy wants a new deer rifle, so the President tells him to go pick it out.

The third guy tells the President that what he wants is a white marble headstone that says 'Here lies a country boy who risked his life to save the President of the United States'.

The President asks him why he wants that.

The third guy answers "Once my daddy finds out I didn't let you drown, he's gonna kill me!"

[pam]

Coming back from leave, a Marine pulls into a little town near his base and starts looking for a place to stay for the night. Every motel room is taken, and by the time he gets to the last place in town, he pleads with the desk clerk, "You've got to have a room somewhere. Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant -- a Navy guy," the clerk says. "He might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained the past couple of nights. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assures him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine comes down to breakfast bright-eyed and well-rested.

"How'd you sleep?" asks the manager.

"Never better."

"No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" the manager asks.

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" says the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?"

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explains. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Good night, beautiful.' He sat up all night watching me."

[pam]

A young man who is away on business writes home to his sweetheart:

"I love you so much, I would do anything to be with you: swim across the ocean, climb the highest mountain in the world, overcome any obstacle that keeps us apart.

My love always.

"P.S.: I'll be home Thursday, if it doesn't rain."

[Truegrits]

This Policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.

"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.

"Not according to my radar," the officer replied.

"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.

"No you weren't!" the policeman said, starting to get annoyed.
With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,

"Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."

[skippy740]

-Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
-A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
-Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
-A Freudian slip: When you say one thing but mean your mother.
-Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
-I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
-Marriage: The mourning after the knot before.
-Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
-Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
-Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
-Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
-Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
-A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
-A gossip: Someone with a great sense of rumor.
-Without geometry, life is pointless.
-Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
-In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
-A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
-With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
-Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.
-When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
-The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
-A grenade thrown into a French kitchen would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
-You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
-Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
-He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
-Every calendar's days are numbered.
-A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.
-A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
-He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
-The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
-Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
-Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
-When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
-Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
-Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
-Acupuncture is a jab well done.
-Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeet.

[Truegrits]

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.
He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says OK, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies: "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"

[skippy740]

LAUGHS FROM EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS: (For everyone who has ever had an evaluation, just remember... it could have been worse!)

These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations.
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady had delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
10. "Got a full six pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus. 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a distributor."
13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15. "He would argue with a signpost."
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
23. "He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
28. "One neuron short of a synapse."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him two hours to watch '60 Minutes.'"
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

[pam]

Loved #10

[daenvgiell]

Did you hear the joke about the wall?

I can't tell you, you might not get over it