In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

Only in Utah


A man was being very closely tailgated by a woman on Foothill Boulevard in Salt Lake City.

Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him.


He did the right thing, stopping at the intersection crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.


The tailgating woman slammed on the brakes and really leaned on the horn. She opened her window, stuck her hand out and made that familiar gesture, all the while screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection before the light had turned red.


As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tapping sound on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious SLC Police Officer. He ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the Police Station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.


After a couple of hours another policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the Arresting Officer was waiting with all her personal effects.


He said, 'I'm very sorry for the mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you,and cussing a blue streak at him.

I also noticed the 'Choose the Right' license plate holder, the 'Families are Forever' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumpersticker, and the chrome-plated Angel Moroni emblem on the trunk.

'Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.'

[pam]

[quote]

Originally Posted by changed

check out this ebay item:
LOT OF POKEMON CARDS THAT MY KIDS TRIED TO SNEAK BY ME - (eBay item 130144061675 end time Aug-22-07 12:03:50 PDT)

I know this is for real as I saw this myself on ebay last year. I about died laughing when I read it.

[pam]

A blonde walks into a store and says to the clerk, "Can I buy this tv?"

The clerk says, "We don't allow blondes in the store." So the blonde walks home and puts a wig on and goes back to the store.

"Can I buy this tv?" and the clerk says, "We don't allow blondes in the store!"

So she goes back home and gets a total makeover and goes to the store and says, "Can I buy this television?" the clerk says "NO! We don't allow blondes in the store!"

The blonde asks "How did you know I was a blonde?"

"Because that's not a tv; it's a microwave!"

[pam]

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well-planned life?"

"Oh yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

[lilered]

BofM: Spies noticed that the Lamanites were observed walking around on their knees.

Conclusion: They were preparing to fight knee fights. (Nephites)

[Truegrits]

Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden came up behind them, tapped one on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.

"Well, if you're going to fish," replied the officer "you need fishing licenses."

"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines, and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the warden, "take all the debris you want."

And with that, he left. As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically.
"What a dumb cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!"

[SisterofJared]

Those blondes are reallfy dumb. Steelehead trout are disgusting fish! LOL.

SoJ

[pam]

Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a 6'3" tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

27. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

28. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

29. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

[Hemidakota]

Cartoon: Will You Marry Me?



From So, You're a BYU Football Fan by Ryan Stoker

We had recently moved to a new town and I was not familiar with the streets. While driving to the grocery store with my three children, I absently said out loud, "oops I took the wrong road." My 5 year old Rebekah asked me if we should pray to Heavenly Father for help. Yes, was my reply as I looked for a place to turn around. "Dear Heavenly Father," she began, "Sorry to wake you from your nap but could you help mommy find the right road?" At the conclusion I asked her if Heavenly Father was napping and she confidently replied. "Yes he has a big job and everybody needs a nap" --Melanie Killman - Castleton Ontario Canada

 Recently a new congregation was formed from two nearby wards. It was decided that our ward would be called the Welcome Ward here in Welcome, North Carolina. We all met for the first time in another ward's chapel that Sunday morning and whether it was planned or a coincidence, but the congregation chuckled when the opening hymn to be sung was "Welcome, Welcome, Sabbath Morning. --Aaron Yarbrough -Welcome, North Carolina, USA

My husband and I moved into a new ward and soon it would be our first Christmas far from family and our old friends. We had been invited to have Christmas dinner with Brother and Sister McDonald and their son and we agreed. One Sunday our then 6 year old son was asked by his Primary teacher how our family was going to spend Chrismas and he responded "We're going to McDonalds's" (meaning the fast food restaurant).

Well, The Primary teacher told our very kind-hearted and concerned Bishop who in turn spoke to us. "We hear to will be having fast food on Christmas day" He said softly "We will ensure that you will have a turkey dinner.". Confused, we asked what he was talking about and he relaid the conversation between the primary teacher and our 6 year old. Laughing hard we managed to explain "We're going to the McDonald's home, Brother and Sister McDonald, NOT the restaurant!". We still chuckle about the "Hamburger Christmas"! --Candice Hughes - Calgary, Alberta, Canada

After nursery one Sunday I saw my 3 year-old's handout. It was about trying to be like Jesus. I asked him how he could be good like Jesus. He thought for a moment and then responded, "Not be like bad Jesus." Fortunately there is not a bad Jesus, but we couldn't help but laugh at his answer. --Suzy Baller - Orem, Utah, USA

[pam]

How does Alice like being pregnant?" Bob asked his friend John.

"Oh, she's not pregnant," John replied, "she's expecting."

"What's the difference?" Bob pressed.

"Well, John explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet ..."