In need of some clean humor!

[Truegrits]

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees"!

"What powerful rivers"!

"What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.


As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was still.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the Voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

[Still_Small_Voice]

Everybody at work seemed to like this joke:

There was a Bills fan, a Broncos fan, a Patriots fan, and a Chargers fan hiking to the top of a mountain. As these four crazed football fans climbed the mountain each bragged why his team was the best.

The four football fans finally reached the top of the mountain. There was a beautiful view at the top and a 500 foot cliff.

The Bills fan went completely crazy and screamed, "This is for the Bills!" Then he went and jumped off the cliff to his death.

The Broncos fan didn't want to be outdone so he yelled, "This is for the Broncos," and plunged off the cliff headfirst to his death.

The Chargers fan raised both of his hands and cried, "This is for everyone!" He then shoved the Patriots fan off.

[Truegrits]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

[Truegrits]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

[pam]

The Chargers fan raised both of his hands and cried, "This is for everyone!" He then shoved the Patriots fan off

Still, you just became my new best friend.

[pam]

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her up to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,"Oh Sherry by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods, Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sounds of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world."

"On the other hand, Port gives me gas."

[RickJ]

true story...

We took a long week end away at the start of November. On the Friday morning we went down to the local supermarket to get supplies for the week end. as we are wandering through picking up bits and pieces our 4 year old daughter is talking away (well she hardly ever stops really) and she is telling me about all the things she loves about being in our family. As we turned the corner at the end of one of the aisles we passed one of the "free tiny morsel" ladies setting up for the day. As we came abreast of her Emma was still reciting her list of things she loved and promptly piped up with "and i really love your guts dad, I love you guts soooooo much".

Well I thought it was kinda a cute and thought "Oh, how sweet she is just trying to say how very much she loves me". The "morsel lady" was quietly giggling to herself so I gave her a smile an d thought that was it until a little voice behind me finished her statement...

"Yeah dad, I love them sooo much because they are so soft and squishy when I put my head on them, they a better than my pillow."

At this point I bent down to help the "morsel lady" get back up from where she had collapsed in howls of laughter.

[Hemidakota]

Cartoon: Missionary Gift List


From Mormon Life by Arie Van De Graaff

My 12 year old daughter, Soleil, just popped in to tell me that her younger brother, Ammon, aged six asked, "Why does Jesus have long hair?" She thought it was funny that he asked that and as she finished telling me and went back to Ammon I heard her say, "They didn't have scissors back then."
--Carol McDonald, Christchurch, New Zealand


My mom and I took my 6 year old nephew with us to Sacrament over Thanksgiving, as we were babysitting him while his Mom was out of town. Jeremy didn't regularly go to church, but had been before and knew he was supposed to be quiet and reverent. He folded his arms during prayers and quietly colored the rest of the time. Right after the bread was passed he had a funny look on his face and motioned to me that he wanted to tell me a secret...I leaned down and he whispered, "that was pretty good but I wish they served cookies instead of plain ol' bread!"
--Clarrisa Gonzales, Provo, Utah, USA


A recent Thanksgiving sharing time was about gratitude. Each member of the junior primary was supposed to tell what they were thankful for, then the leader would write it on a turkey feather to be added to the turkey. The sunbeam class began, there was the usual, "thankful for my family, my pets, my house, my friends, Jesus and then one little boy said "the Hulk"!
--P. Bond, Arizona, USA


My sister and I were picked up from work by my nephew one evening and upon arriving home we noticed my brother-in-law cleaning coolers, pots and the front yard. We couldn't believe our eyes, even my nephew who did a second glance said, "I better repent quick, it must be the second coming, uncle is cleaning!"
--Anna Afuvai, Oakland, California, USA


In Primary today the Presidency member was giving the spiritual message in sharing time discussing the miracles Christ had performed while he was on earth when one little boy commented confidently," that was before he was crossified."
--Barbara Axe, Phoenix, Arizona, USA

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[Truegrits]

A bit disgruntled looking, huh???

[pam]

I've seen this before but just got it in an email this morning and describes my life perfectly.

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished and before leaving the house this morning, I finished a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.


But actually the depression started setting in after I stepped on the scales.