In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

In this life, I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.

I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you are supposed to eat yourself stupid.

I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.

I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too.

I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate expects you to wake up growling. He expects that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup ... gonna be a bear!

[omega0401]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you

[pam]

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

[pam]

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500."

"That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

[pam]

The Queen was showing the Archbishop around the Royal Stables when a stallion passed gas very loudly.

"Oh dear," said the Queen, "I'm sorry about that."

"That's okay" said the Archbishop, "I thought it was the horse."

[pam]

In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor.

"Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down ... I think there's yet another one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern. . . It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

[Truegrits]

The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race.

He turned on the jockey.

"Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?"


"Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A man was driving down the road faster than the speed limit.

Sunddenly, there were lights flashing behind, and the officer stops him.

The man says "Please officer, dont arrest me, I'm a poor preacher."

The oficer says "I know, I've heard you."

[Fiannan]

God decides to take a break and spend some time in Miami. He sits on a park bench, dressed in conventional attire, and looks out over the beautiful beach scene. Soon a couple of middle-aged Jewish women come over and sit down and start talking.

Jewish woman #1: "What's the world coming to? My son always was a good Jewish boy. He went to temple all the time, loved to read his torah, and I thought he'd someday become a rabbi. Then he went off to college and within a year announces that he's become a Christian!!!

Jewish woman #2: "Yes, I know what you mean. My son started dating a Chrisian girl when he was in medical school. Next thing you know he goes and announces they are engaged and he's decided to become a Christian as well!!!

Then God replies: "I know exactly what you women are going through. I have a son and when I sent Him on a religious mission to Israel of all places..."

[Fiannan]

An atheist, fully disgusted with the Christmas holidays, decides to go hiking in the mountains on Christmas day. While he's hiking a huge grizzley bear wanders onto the path, notices him and starts to approach.

Suddenly the atheist thinks fast and says a prayer -- "God, if you are there, and I seriously doubt you are, but if you are there please demonstrate some of that awesome power your followers claim you have and make that bear into a nice Christian bear."

Then, all of the sudden an angel appears, grins and sighs, and says "Well, guess what my brother, your wish has been granted."

Then the bear gets on its knees and folds its arms and bows its head.

The atheist then says, "Never seen a bear do that before...what's the matter with him?"

The angel replies "Oh, nothing is wrong...he's just saying grace before dinner!"

[WillowTheWhisp]

Originally Posted by pam

A businessman is in a great deal of trouble. He has put everything into his business and it is still failing. He owes everybody. In fact, things have gotten so bad that he contemplates suicide.

As a last resort, he goes to a priest and pours out his story of tears and woe. When he has finished, the priest says, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible. The wind will riffle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer. That will tell you what to do."

A year later, the businessman goes back to the priest and brings his wife and children with him. The man is in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulls an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, and gives it to the priest as a donation as thanks for his advice.

The priest recognizes the benefactor, of course, and is curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asks.

"Absolutely," the businessman replies.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages riffle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

I don't get this. Can somebody explain it to me?