In need of some clean humor!

[lilered]

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married
> Ruth?
>
> A. Ruthless.
>
>
> Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
>
>
> A. German Shepherds.
>
>
> Q. Who was the greatest financier in the
> Bible?>
>
> A. Noah He was floating his stock while
> everyone else was in
> liquidation.
>
>
> Q. Who was the greatest female financier in
> the Bible?>
>
> A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the
> bank of the Nile and drew out a Little prophet.
>
>
> Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the
> Bible?>
>
> A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the
> Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also,
> probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
>
>
> Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the
> Bible?
> A. Samson. He brought the house down.
>
> Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children
> as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
> A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
>
> Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant
> lawbreaker in the Bible?
>
>
> A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at
> once.
>
> Q. Which area of Palestine was especially
> wealthy?>
>
> A. The area around Jordan . The banks were
> always overflowing.
>
> Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in
> the Bible?>
>
> A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep
> sleep.
>
> Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
> > A Joshua, son of Nun.
>
> Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?>
>
> A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.
>
> PS... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to
> make coffee?
> Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . ."He-brews"

[lilered]

STORY OF ELIJAH

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times "Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"


LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."


DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"
"No," replied David. "How could he, with just two worms?"


HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"


MOSES &THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."


"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"


THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the
Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.

When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

Church Smiles

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

Humor
While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.''


Church lesson
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

[Surfndaddy]

An 11 year old gets up every testimony meeting to bear his testimony. One week, he says he's sick. His Mom gently reminds him, "it is testimony meeting today. If you stay home sick, you won't be able to bear your testimony." He thinks for a second, and replies, "Can you bear my testimony for me?"

[Wingnut]

Q: Who was the busiest obstetrician in the Bible?
A: Moses...he delivered all the children of Israel.

Q: Who in the Bible played tennis?
A: Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

[Wingnut]

DISCLAIMER: This is not intended to be man-bashing or husband bashing. If you are a man or a husband withOUT a sense of humor, do not read this.


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs such as

- Romance 9.5
- Personal Attention 6.5

And then installed undesirable programs such as

- NBA 5.0,
- NFL 3.0
- Golf Clubs 4.1

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Tech Support

[Truegrits]

In my next life...

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.

When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping, and awake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup ... gonna be a bear!

[Truegrits]

~~~~~~The Little Lost Girl~~~~~~

A little girl and her mother went shopping in a very large mall one afternoon. After being in a major store for some time the little girl grew tired and sat down on the floor to wait for her mother to finish her shopping.

While she watched the people moving around her, the little girl's mother moved on to another department, not knowing that the little girl didn't follow her. Soon the little girl realized that her mother was nowhere to be seen and she started to cry.

One of the clerks soon heard her and came to ask her why she was crying. The little girl sobbingly told her that she had lost her mommy. The clerk took her by the hand and they set out to find the lost mommy.

After a few minutes had gone by the clerk had an idea. She asked the little girl if she thought that her mommy would recognize her voice, and the little girl nodded her head.


The store clerk took her to the counter and lifted her up so that she could reach the microphone to the store's PA system. The clerk told her to talk into the mike and her mother would hear her voice and come to get her. The sweet little girl held the mike close to her mouth and with tears running down her cheeks and a sob in her voice she said:

"I would like to bear my testimony. I know this Church is true."

[Steven22]

5 reasons not to mess with children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows
what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And
there's the teacher, she's dead."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch
line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

[lilered]

Things you can learn from your dog

Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.


Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.


Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.


Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Be loyal. \
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.


When someone is having a bad day,
be silent,
sit close by and
nuzzle them gently

[HiJolly]

Haven't read through these yet... Anyone tell the Utah/Zucchini joke yet?


HiJolly