In need of some clean humor!

[omega0401]

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm just so in love with my twenty-five-year-old wife."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, she cooks me breakfast and kisses me and tells me she loves me ... at lunchtime she comes home and embraces me warmly, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home with ice cream, the best an old man could want. And then after a gourmet supper, she gives me a warm bath, and cuddles up with me all night." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "Oh, I think I see - I bet you just found out she's with you for your money?"

"No," the old man answers through his sobbing and tears, "I forgot where I live."

[pam]

A young couple has been married for about two weeks. One day as the bride is preparing dinner, she begins to sing. Her husband immediately gets up and begins closing the windows.

"It is such a beautiful day outside, dear," she says. "Why are you closing the windows?"

Says the husband, "I don't want the neighbors to think I'm beating you."

[rameumptom]

There was a famous bullfighter in Madrid named Jose Consuelo Zapatina Gonzalez de Villarroel.

He was a little eccentric. After slaying the bull, he would start a bon fire and roast the bull there in the stadium. After everyone had eaten, he would sing arias from his favorite operas.

One day, after slaying and eating the bull, he began to sing. Several of the onlookers pulled out pistols and shot him dead.

The moral of the story is: when you are full of bull, keep your mouth shut!

[Tough Grits]

Originally Posted by pam

A young couple has been married for about two weeks. One day as the bride is preparing dinner, she begins to sing. Her husband immediately gets up and begins closing the windows.

"It is such a beautiful day outside, dear," she says. "Why are you closing the windows?"

Says the husband, "I don't want the neighbors to think I'm beating you."

Um, how did find out about this event? I didn't realize that my mother had shared such a personal memory from her own life...

[pam]

George was describing a 30 pound Bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."

George replied, "Well ... a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."

[pam]

A young man is getting ready to go back to college and one day confronts his father.
"Dad," he says, "I need a new car to take back to school."

"A new car? I've seen those cars in the college parking lots. They're all older models. The most recent one I saw when I was there was a 1990 model. And you think you need a brand new car?"

"You don't understand, Dad," the boy says. "Those you saw are the professors' cars."

[Truegrits]

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."

[pam]

As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Harold, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Harold, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them !!!"

[Tough Grits]

Originally Posted by pam

As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Harold, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Harold, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them !!!"

Why, oh why, can't I press that Laugh button more than once??????

This one was worth pushing the button 3 times!!!!!

[omega0401]

Did you ever feel like this one person did?

I had a life once.....now I have a computer and a DSL line.