In need of some clean humor!

[Truegrits]

A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said, "You’re really doing great, aren’t you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor: ’Get a hot mamma and be cheerful’."

The Doctor said, "I didn’t say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was awful this morning."

The father commented, "The sermon was too long."

Their 7-year-old daughter added, "You’ve got to admit it was a pretty good show for a dollar."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~


An older woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $3.95 for fast delivery or $2.30 for slower service.

"There is no hurry," she told the clerk, "just so the package is delivered in my lifetime."

He glanced at her and said, "That will be $3.95, please."

[pam]

Driving home, we saw a vulture get run over while feeding on roadkill.

I was horrified, but my son was philosophical.

"Well," he reasoned, "you are what you eat."

[Palerider]

In case you did not know this.....the occupation of the 3 wise men....they were Fireman.....it says they came from afar....

[Truegrits]

Palerider:

In case you did not know this.....the occupation of the 3 wise men....they were Fireman.....it says they came from afar....

Where, oh where, is that "GROAN" button!!!

[Palerider]

Originally Posted by Truegrits

Palerider:


Where, oh where, is that "GROAN" button!!!

groan button......

[Truegrits]

My husband and I had been happily married (most of the time) for five years, but hadn't been blessed with a baby.

I decided to do some serious praying, and promised God
that if he would give us a child, I would be a perfect mother,
love it with all my heart and raise it with His word as my guide.

God answered my prayers and blessed us with a son.

The next year God blessed us with another son.

The following year, He blessed us with yet another son.

The year after that we were blessed with a daughter.

My husband thought we'd been blessed right into poverty.
We now had four children, and the oldest was only four years old.

I learned never to ask God for anything unless I meant it.
As a minister once told me,
"If you pray for rain, make sure you carry an umbrella."

I began reading a few verses of the Bible to the children each day as they lay in their cribs.

I was off to a good start.
God had entrusted me with four children and I didn't want to disappoint Him.

I tried to be patient the day the children smashed two dozen eggs on the kitchen floor searching for baby chicks.

I tried to be understanding....when they started a hotel for homeless frogs in the spare bedroom, although it took me nearly two hours to catch all twenty-three frogs.

When my daughter poured ketchup all over herself and rolled up in a blanket to see how it felt to be a hot dog, I tried to see the humor rather than the mess.

In spite of changing over twenty-five thousand diapers, never eating a hot meal and never sleeping for more than thirty minutes at a time, I still thank God daily for my children.

While I couldn't keep my promise to be a perfect mother -
I didn't even come close...I did keep my promise to raise them in the Word of God.

I knew I was missing the mark just a little when I told my daughter we were going to church to worship God, and she wanted to bring a bar of soap along to "wash up" Jesus, too.

Something was lost in the translation when I explained that God gave us everlasting life, and my son thought it was generous of God to give us his "last wife."

My proudest moment came during the children's Christmas pageant.

My daughter was playing Mary, two of my sons were shepherds and my youngest son was a wise man. This was their moment to shine.

My five-year-old shepherd had practiced his line, "We found the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes."

But he was nervous and said, "The baby was wrapped in wrinkled clothes."

My four year old "Mary" said, "That's not 'wrinkled clothes,' silly. That's dirty, rotten clothes."

A wrestling match broke out between Mary and the shepherd
and was stopped by an angel, who bent her halo and lost her left wing.

I slouched a little lower in my seat when Mary dropped the doll representing Baby Jesus, and it bounced down the aisle crying, "Mama-mama."

Mary grabbed the doll, wrapped it back up and held it tightly as the wise men arrived.

My other son stepped forward wearing a bathrobe and a paper crown, knelt at the manger and announced, "We are the three wise men, and we are bringing gifts of gold, common sense and fur."

The congregation dissolved into laughter, and the pageant got a standing ovation.

"I've never enjoyed a Christmas program as much as this one,"
laughed the pastor, wiping tears from his eyes.

"For the rest of my life, I'll never hear the Christmas story without thinking of gold, common senseand fur."

"My children are my pride and my joy and my greatest blessing," I said as I dug through my purse for an aspirin.

Jesus had no servants, yet they called Him Master.

Had no degree, yet they called Him Teacher.

Had no medicines, yet they called Him Healer.

Had no army, yet kings feared Him.

He won no military battles, yet He conquered the world.

He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him.


He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today.

Blessings and a Merry Christmas to all !!!

[daenvgiell]

ahaha I've heard that one before

[pam]

A boy comes home from school early one afternoon, and his mother asks why.

"It's because I was the only one who could answer a question," the boy says.

"Darling, that's wonderful," his mother says with obvious pride. "What was the question?"

Says her son, "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"

[pam]

A surgeon is a guest at a dinner party where turkey is being served. When it comes time to carve the bird, the host sharpens his knife and begins to cut away, all the while talking to the surgeon.

"How am I doing, Doc?" he asks. "How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"

When the host has finished, and the slices of meat lie neatly onthe serving platter, the host stands back and looks on his accomplishment with pride. Only then does the surgeon speak up: "Anybody can take them apart, my friend. Now let's see you put them back together."

[pam]

A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School presentation. His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn't help. Her son's memory was blank.

Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, "I am the light of the world."

The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice said, "My mother is the light of the world."