In need of some clean humor! - Page 28

Hemidakota · #**271** (**permalink**) 12-31-2008, 08:48 AM

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the Ward's High Priest golden anniversary recognition, the bishop announced, "This evening, brothers and sisters. I've asked our own Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and tell everyone how he managed to treat his wife with such kindness and live in peace and harmony all these years. Perhaps his secret will have an influence on the rest of us."

The husband replied to all the brothers and sisters, "Well, there's really nothing to it. I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The bishop said, "Tell the Ward what you did for your 25th silver anniversary, Brother Ralph."

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing , China ."

The bishop replied, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Brother Ralph. Okay, now you husbands pay attention. Doesn't that sound like a good idea? Take your wife traveling on special occasions. Maybe that will help some of you brethren out there to get along better with your wife. Now, Brother Ralph, tell all of us here tonight what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

Brother Ralph, "I'm going to go get her." by G. R. Kane

Palerider · #**272** (**permalink**) 12-31-2008, 08:49 AM

A little boy was overheard praying, Heavenly Father, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.

Hemidakota · #**273** (**permalink**) 12-31-2008, 08:52 AM

Cartoon: Ward Basketball Prayer

From - Mormon Life by Arie Van De

Palerider · #**274** (**permalink**) 12-31-2008, 08:54 AM

Three boys standing in the schoolyard bragging about their Father's. The first boy says,"My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him 50.00 dollars. The second boy says,"Thats nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him 100.00 dollars. The third boy says,"I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect alll the money.

Palerider · #**275** (**permalink**) 12-31-2008, 08:55 AM

Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his Mother cooked.

Hemidakota · #**276** (**permalink**) 12-31-2008, 08:58 AM

Ryan was on only child who really wanted a brother to play with. Each evening, when his mother and father kneeled beside him, Ryan would pray for a little brother.

After many months of asking and nothing happening, Ryan finally stopped praying for a brother. During this time, Sister Pitcher was expecting a child, and she eventually delivered twin boys.

"Wow!" Ryan exclaimed when he heard the news. "It's a good thing I stopped praying when I did" (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, p. 67).

Palerider · #**277** (**permalink**) 12-31-2008, 09:08 AM

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter.

Palerider · #**278** (**permalink**) 12-31-2008, 09:10 AM

A Sunday School teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church,"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church? Annie replied,"Because people are sleeping".

pam · #**279** (**permalink**) 12-31-2008, 09:46 PM

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?

pam · #**280** (**permalink**) 12-31-2008, 09:48 PM

No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet.

The day of the first ride, I put her in the seat, double-checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicking her in the chin.