In need of some clean humor!

[lilered]

All I Need to Know in Life I Learned from a COW

Wake up in a Happy MOOOOOD

Honor they FODDER and Mother
and all you UDDER relatives

Never take any BULL from Anyone

Seize every opportunity and
MILK it for all it's worth

It's better to be seen and not HERD

Don't forget to COWNT
your blessings every day

BLACK & WHITE is always
an appropriate fashion statement

Turn the UDDER cheek
and MOOOOVE on

Always let them know
who's the BOSSY


CHEERFULNESS is Contagious
but Don't wait to catch it
from others... and that's no Bull

Be a CARRIER

[Wingnut]

Originally Posted by HiJolly

Haven't read through these yet... Anyone tell the Utah/Zucchini joke yet?


HiJolly

Not yet.

[HiJolly]

Ok, well, this really is relevant because it actually happened to us last Sunday. My wife didn't lock the car...

So a guy here in Utah county gets a new job as a regional sales rep, and his boss comes for a week to train him in the job. While here, the new employee not only learns the job, but also shows his boss the beauty of Utah -- Timpanogos Cave, Provo river, temple square, and so forth.

As they get out of their car at each destination, the boss keeps saying "shouldn't you lock the car doors? Somebody might steal something!" And the guy says, "no problem, everythings safe". The boss is doubtful but as the week goes on, he is impressed. Nobody is stealing things out of the car -- all is safe.

So Sunday rolls around and the guy takes his boss to Church. As they get out of the car, he tells the boss to be sure to lock his door (this is because he has a vintage 1965 Ford Mustang coupe V8 327 (etc.) - no auto door locks). The boss gives a double take and says "What! We've left the car unlocked all over Utah, and you want to lock it at CHURCH?"

The guy says, "well, yeah, I mean if we don't the car will be filled with zucchini when we get out of Church!"

HiJolly

ps. my BIL lives in Provo and I have literally seen him on Sunday pushing his loaded wheelbarrow down the street -- loaded with zucchini and summer squash, trying to give it away to his neighbors. I just about burst out laughing, but managed to restrain myself...

[SisterofJared]

So my friend from CA was a nurse, and she worked at a nursing home. This happened to another nurse there.

There was the one old coot there that hated apple juice, and every day when the juice cart came around he would ask for orange juice. One day he was asleep when the juice cart came around, and when he woke up he was disgusted to find a container of apple juice waiting for him.

Now on the same day, the nurse had told him that they needed a urine specimen. The empty sterile container was sitting on his nightstand, waiting until he got the urge.

He stared at that apple juice until he got an idea... he poured the apple juice inside the urine specimen cup, put the lid on, and set it to wait until the nurse came in. In a while, the nurse came in and saw it sitting there.

"Oh I see you have your specimen ready" she said, "The color certainly is dark, isn't it?"

Before she could pick it up, the old man grabbed it, opened it up, and drank it quickly, saying, "Let's run it through again and see how it comes out the second time."

The nurse clapped her hands over her mouth and ran from the room.

ROFL! I bet they didn't give the old man any more apple juice.

[SisterofJared]

Another true one:

Two missionaries go to Sacrament meetig. They were great buddies who liked to pull tricks on each other. One Elder had a tendency to fall asleep during meetings.

So it is fast Sunday. No sooner does the meeting get started good, and the elder falls asleep. It is a fast Sunday, and testimonies are being borne. The companion nudges the sleeping elder, and whispers, "Hey, Elder, the bishop just called for you to say the closing prayer."

So the sleepy elder stands up, goes to the pulpit and says a benediction.... closing the meeting that had just gotten started. His companion almost falls off of his pew laughing!

No one had wondered what was going on because it was testimony meeting... so having someone stand up and walk to the pulpit was not surprising at all. Only that he closed the meeting.

After it calmed down in the room, the bishop called on someone else to say a new invocation, and testimonies commenced again.

I bet the mission president had something to say about THAT one.... if he could keep his face straight long enough!

Sister of Jared

[Truegrits]

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."


His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.

[pam]

I think I told this one before...but here goes.

Wife says to her husband..."I want you to take me someplace REALLY expensive."

He dropped her off at the closest gas station.

[Hemidakota]

From Mormon Life by Arie Van De Graaff

[Truegrits]

Martha's way:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

The Real Women's Way:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I just don't do it.

Martha's way:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Women's Way:
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix; keep it in the pantry for up to a year.


Martha's way:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead, and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Women's Way:
Stop by the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

[Hemidakota]

[1] "My husband and I were attending a fireside together while our children spent the evening at home. The phone rang and my six-year-old son, Joshua, answered the phone. It was my mother and she asked to speak to me. 'My mom isn't home right now. She is at a fire hydrant,' Joshua responded. After the laughter stopped, my older children reminded him it was 'fireside' and he told his grandmother a more correct location of where I was at. - Amy Hart - Lindon, Utah

2] "Sister Garrison was having a bit of a struggle with her teenage son. He continually came home later than the time they had agreed to, and she worried he was getting into trouble.

"Sister Garrison finally told him, 'Every time you do something wrong, I get another gray hair.'

"With a smile on his face, her son answered teasingly, 'Is that why grandma's hair is so gray?'" (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, p. 134).

3] President Joseph Fielding Smith:

"In teaching his children, President Smith often told them that 'wickedness never was happiness' and that the adversary would rather have one of his children than someone elses because of their name. He would add with a chuckle, 'In the beginning all men were 'Smiths,' and when they did something wrong they had to change their name'" (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, p. 83).

4] Elder J. Golden Kimball told this story about his father, President Heber C. Kimball:

"I feel a good deal, I think, like my father did one time when he was praying. You know he was rather peculiar, and prayed in his own way.

"He was praying about someone, and he stopped in his prayer and laughed very heartily, and then said, 'O Lord, forgive me, it makes me laugh to pray about some men.'" (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, p. 124).

5] Here's another delightful tale involving one of the Brethren.

Rudger Clawson and Golden were sent to California on assignment. This was always a source of much bemusement around Church headquarters. It would be hard to find another two men in the Church with such different temperments and sensibilities. Elder Clawson was a grimly serious fellow. . . Rumor had it Rudger requested these joint engagements to reign in Golden and keep him under control.

Aunt Jennie pleaded with Golden to refrain from any swearing or getting out of control on this trip because it was so hard on Brother Clawson. Golden said he would do the best he could.

They went to Sacramento and everything went fine---for a while.

There were two stake conferences scheduled for that weekend. Golden did well at the first conference---most of it, anyway.

In the last meeting of that first conference Golden got carried away. He had looked at the tithing records and the statistics on attendance at priesthood and sacrament meeting. The Saints weren't living up to their commitments.

He told them they were all going to hell.

When the meeting was over, Brother Clawson got up and walked out. Caught in a press of members, Golden just caught a glimpse of him leaving out of the corner of his eye. He excused himself and hurried back to the hotel to find Brother Clawson in the room, packing.

"What are you doing, Rudger? Where are you going?"

Brother Clawson said, "I just can't take it anymore. I'm going back to Salt Lake. You'll have to finish this second conference by yourself. Your swearing is just too much for me. It offends me. I can see that you're never going to change and I've had it!"

Golden didn't know what to do. So he helped him pack.

They walked out of the hotel and down to the train station. They stood there on the platform in an uncomfortable silence waiting for the train. Finally, they could see the train for Salt Lake coming. Golden thought he should say something. "Rudger, I'm sorry about this. It's just that I get worked up and I lose control and all my cowboy language comes back. I just say what's in my heart. I apologize to you."

"But Rudger, if I didn't put some 'hells' and 'damns' in my talks they wouldn't listen to me anymore than they now listen to you!"

There was a pause. Brother Clawson then threw his head back and laughed.

"Oh, Golden, you'll be the death of me. C'mon, let's go finish the next conference." And they walked back to the hotel. (More J. Golden Kimball Stories, p. 54-56).