In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

One afternoon a boy asks his father, "Where is your Visa card, Dad?"

"You know that when I was held up, the robber stole it from me," the father responds.

"Sure, Dad," the boy says, "but that was six months ago. Haven't you reported that?"

"Look, my boy," the father says. "The robber using it is costing me less than when your mother had it."

[Truegrits]

A fellow was walking along a country road and came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer and asked how long it would take him to get to the next town.

The farmer didn't answer. So, after waiting a bit, the fellow started walking again.

After the man had gone about 100 yards, the farmer yelled to him and said, "About 20 minutes."

Confused, the man turned back toward the farmer and inquired, "Why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"

"Well," said the farmer, "I didn't know how fast you could walk."

[Truegrits]

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because", the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

[pam]

Walter, who is quite elderly is resting peacefully on the front porch or a nursing home in the country, when he sees a cloud of dust up the road.

He watches a farmer approaching, with a wagon.

"Good afternoon!" hollers out Walter.

"Afternoon." says the farmer.

"Where you headed?" asks Walter.

"Town." says the farmer.

"What do you have in the wagon?" Walter continued.

"Manure."

"Manure, eh? What do you do with it?"

"I spread it over my strawberries," the farmer says matter-of-factly.

"Well," says Walter, "you should come over here for lunch someday. We use whipped cream."

[pam]

A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting.

He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours.

Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind you."

[rameumptom]

For those of you who missed church on Sunday


Here is a recap!


Four Worms and a lesson



A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon

The Minister reported the following results:




The first worm in alcohol

Dead




The second worm in cigarette smoke

Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup

Dead




Fourth worm in good clean soil

Alive


So the Minister asked the congregation

What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine who was sitting in the back

Quickly raised her hand and said,




'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate

You won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service.

[pam]

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00."

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000 ... "

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye ... I do too ... "

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[pam]

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers.

The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely.

"Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

"From my nose," the drunk replied.

[pam]

This guy walks into a bar and sees this older couple who looks very happy. He asks the bartender why they are so happy, and he says he doesn't know.

The bartender asked the couple if they want anything to drink and they said yes. Then the bartender asks, "Why are you guys so happy?"

The older couple says "We just finished a puzzle. It took us 3 years!!!"

"3 years!!!" the bartender said "It doesn't take that long to do a puzzle."

"Oh yes it does" said the couple " It said so right on the box 2 to 3 years.

[pam]

A father asks his 8-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was 6, I got the 'There's no Santa' speech. At 7, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. Now that I'm 8, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech.

"If you're going to tell me that grown-ups really don't have sex when they get married, I'll have nothing left to live for."






*edited for site appropriateness*