In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

A young couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon.

When they arrived home from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.

"Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language... Stuff I'd never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words... You've got to come get me and take me home. PLEASE MOTHER!"

And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.

"But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"

"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!"

"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell mother the 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother.... he is using words like:

DUST... WASH... IRON... COOK!

[pam]

One night at about 2:00 a.m., two bats were hanging upside down, when one bat nudged the other bat's wing.

"Hey, you wanna go and get some blood?"

The other bat said, "Now where the heck are we going to get blood at 2:00 o'clock in the morning?"

So the other bat said, "If you don't want to go, fine, I'll go by myself."

About 30 minutes later, the first bat came back with blood dripping out of his mouth, and all over his body. The second bat said, "Hey where did you get all that blood?"

The first bat said, "See that tree over there?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I didn't."

[pam]

A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class Section and sits down.

The flight attendant asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that her ticket is for Economy Class and that she will have to leave the First Class Section.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant then alerts the pilot and co-pilot of the situation.

The co-pilot tells the blonde that she will have to move back to Economy Class.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal, and I'm staying right here!"

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot asks, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak 'blonde'!"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asks him what he said make her move without any fuss.

The pilot smiled. "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."

[daenvgiell]

Q. Did I tell you the joke about the wall?

A. I can't tell you, you might not get over it

lame....... *rolls eyes*

[pam]

There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Some of these are excellent ...
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?
A: Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks.

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: By whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

[pam]

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to
be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite lolly and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get
it wrong.

[Truegrits]

Originally Posted by pam

There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Some of these are excellent ...
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?
A: Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks.

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: By whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

[omega0401]

My new data-entry assistant could often be heard offering encouragement to her computer. "You can do it, big guy!" she would say. "Good boy! Nice job, fella." After one particularly lengthy pep talk, I asked, "How do you know your computer's male?"

Her reply was very simple, "Because you have to tell it what to do."

Groan....

[omega0401]

A FELLOW COMPUTER PROGRAMMER for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He requested my assistance in putting it into operation. At first, he handled most of the work, with me just doing corrections and inputting data. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training.

When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him." Surprised, I replied that my colleague was far more experienced than I was. "Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get real nervous around smart people."

Sigh...

[daenvgiell]

I got this from the 101 Missionary Stories, by Mike Bingham

Neck Tie
"In Denver, Colorado, Elder Neal received a tie from his older brother for his birthday. It was black and white and not particularly stylish, but it was new and a gift so he wore it without giving it much thought. That is until he turned out the lights at an investigator's home to show a video and the glow-in-the-dark words "Kiss Me" appeared on the tie."