In need of some clean humor!

[lilered]

Why do morons like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

Why did it take the moron an hour to eat breakfast?
Because the orange juice carton instructions said Concentrate ! !

What do you do if a moron throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back at him.

How did the moron fall on the floor?
He tripped over the cordless phone.

How did the moron try to kill a bird?
He threw it off a mountain cliff !

Why did the moron climb the glass wall ?
To see what was on the other side!

How do you confuse a moron?
Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in one corner!

Hear about the moron that got an AM radio?
It took him a month to realize he could play it at night.

Why did the moron going to the airport turn around and go home?
Because he saw the sign that said "Airport Left".

Two morons were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.
The first moron said "These look like deer tracks,"
and the other moron said, "No, they look like moose tracks."
They argued and argued, and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

Why can't a moron dial 911?
He can't find the 11 on the phone!

How do you keep a moron in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow!

[Hemidakota]

Cartoon: "Elder Lee"




From Two by Two by Darold Westover


In sacrament meeting recently, our 3 1/2 year old daughter was so excited to take the sacrament. After the bread came, she looked at her dad and said "That was a great snack". Her dad explained to her that it was called the sacrament. Then she said to her dad "That was a great 'snackrament'!"
--Debbie LeBaron - Clearfield, Utah, USA


My little 6 year old granddaughter leaned over to her Mother during the announcements at Sacrament Meeting one Sunday. She whispered, "Who IS Bishop RICK?"
--Mickie Neilson - LaCanada, CA, USA

The question arose in our Ward's Adult Family Home Evening asking, "Are we dependent upon food to sustain us in the Spirit World?"

The answer from the instructor was, "No; that food is not necessary when you no longer have a Telestial body."

The next response we heard came from someone in the group, "Good. Think of all the money we'll save."
--G. R. Kane - Idaho, USA

I enjoy substituting in the junior primary on a regular basis. One Sunday, sharing time centered around baptism. The leader showed the word "immersion" on the chalkboard. We all repeated "immersion" after her, then the leader explained what immersion means. After that a boy who was recently baptized, told about his baptism and the way his daddy lowered him under the water while he held his nose and it was called immersion. In conclusion the leader said "We want to be baptized the same way Jesus was... how? A small hand went up, and a little voice said "in the river Jordan".
--P. Bond, Arizona, USA


I was teaching the High Priest while a list was being passed around concerning making 72 hour kits. We made them three years ago therefore some of the items were not edible. The day before I looked at the kit I had and it had expired. The three years had past. I asked the brethren, "How long does a 72 hour kit last?"
I was holding three fingers up to help them with the answer that I never received.
--Brent H. Babcock - Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, USA


My daughter had recently been called to be the Nursery teacher and the children adored her. Shortly thereafter, President Monson was sustained as the new Prophet, Seer & Revelator of the Church. One of my daughter's friends related this story to her:

Their Home Teachers came to visit and they were discussing Conference where all this had happened. Being a good Home Teacher, he tried to include all the children in his visit. Nearing the end of his visit he asked the three year old if he knew who the new President of the Church was. The young boy instantly replied "Sister Tobler" (his Nursery teacher)
--Donna Maldonado

Reference: Latterday Humor

[pam]

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

[pam]

The banquet was about to begin when the master of ceremonies was informed that the clergyman invited to give the blessing was unable to attend.

He asked the main speaker if he would oblige, and the man agreed.

He began, "There being no clergyman present, let us thank God."

[pam]

Two trout are dining in a restaurant when one of them starts waving his empty glass in the air.

The head waiter turns to another waiter and says, "I think there's a fish out of water."

[pam]

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with 10 children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

[pam]

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

A passenger asks the captain, "Who is that man, and why is he so upset?"

"I've no idea," the captain says, "but every year when we pass by, he goes nuts."

[pam]

A Sunday school teacher is discussing the Ten Commandments with her young students. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asks, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one little boy answers, "Thou shall not kill."

[pam]

A blonde calls up her friend and asks her if she can come over and help her with this awesome puzzle she just got.

Well, the friend figured "Hey, I'm pretty good at puzzles, so what have I got to loose?"

The friend goes over to the blonde's house and tells her to show him the puzzle.

The blonde takes her friend into the kitchen and the friend asks the blonde what the puzzle was supposed to be a picture of.

The blonde replied "a tiger".

The friend looks at the box the blonde showed her and said:

"Well, 2 things: #1, this puzzle will NEVER look like a tiger, and #2, put all of the Frosted Flakes back in the box!"

[pam]

The boss walks into his employee's office. "I've decided to use humor in the office," he says. "Experts say humor eases tension, which is important in times like this ... when the work force is being trimmed."The boss then starts telling a joke ... "Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Not you anymore."