In need of some clean humor!

[lilered]

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of crap.'

[pam]

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge."

"Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk." he explained.

"Gentlemen," he said, "I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

[pam]

At a dinner party, several of the guests are arguing over whether men or women are more trustworthy.

"No woman can keep a secret," says one man scornfully.

"I don't know about that," answers a woman. "I have kept my age a secret since I was 21."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insists.

"I hardly think so," she responds. "When a woman has kept a secret for 27 years, she can keep it forever."

[pam]

Comments made in the year 1957:

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $5,000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail haircuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, the boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With the Wind,' it seems every new movie has either 'hell' or 'damn' in it."

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing anymore; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt it will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel." "No one can afford to be sick anymore; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

[lilered]

We live in a rural area. Our neighbor who is somewhat odd was arrested last nite.
Seems yesterday afternoon he drove into Walmarts and purchased several boxes of
dry cereal. Went home, after getting drunk, he decided to sit the boxes of cereal on the
fence posts and started shooting them with his rifle.
The police came and arrested him. The charged him with (See below)





















Being a cereal Killer.

[Batmanifestdestiny]

Most people pray quietly, but when the prophet prays, he randomly bursts into laughter. If you ask him what was funny, he goes "inside joke!"

[pam]

There was a blond, brunette, and a redhead that had just robbed a store.

The cops spotted them, so they started to run.

They saw a barn and ran into it. Once inside -- they found three potato bags that they hid in.

The cops saw them enter the barn and went in to find the three robbers.

The cops saw the three sacks moving so they went to investigate.

A cop kicked the first bag, which was the brunette's.

She said "woof, woof." They thought it was just some little puppies.

He went over to the redheads bag and kicked it.

She said "meow, meow." They thought it was just some kittens.

Then the cops went to the last bag which was the blondes.

They kicked it and she said "potato, potato."

[pam]

A man sentenced to prison was put in a cell with an older convict who had been there for many years.

One day, they were talking about their pasts, and the old man said, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

"What happened?" his new cellmate asked.

"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing."

[pam]

Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.

Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?

Patient: I sure did. The bottle said, "Keep tightly closed."

[Dr T]

K, these are not funny but they are clean so here u go:

Q. How many Socialist Workers Party members does it take to change a lightbulb.
A. Four. One to change the bulb, one to write about it for "the paper", one to sell you "the paper" and another to follow you home and ask why you weren't at the bulb changing, if you plan to make the next one and if you were still as committed.