In need of some clean humor!

[candyprpl]

This one is computer humor.

New Installation -- Husband 1.0

Remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly to run. Whatever you do DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. THESE ARE NOT SUPPORTED APPLICATIONS AND WILL CRASH Husband 1.0

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7

Good Luck,
Tech Support

[Truegrits]

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

[Still_Small_Voice]

When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

[Truegrits]

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

[pam]

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.

They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was
in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling over $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. ' When we were to be married, ' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll. '

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. ' Honey, ' he said, ' that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from? '

' Oh, ' she said, ' that's the money I made from selling the dolls. '

[updatelee]

A sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender sais "sorry we dont serve food here"

[daenvgiell]

which candles burn longer? the candles on a boys birthday cake, or the candles on a girls birthday cake?

None they all burn shorter.

Yeah pretty lame I know, but I laugh at all the lame joke simply because they are lame!

[Truegrits]

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."
Do you want a room with or without a view?

[AngelonaWing]

"I am the bishop of a ward in Texas, and have a wonderful Relief Society President. She has been a great blessing to our ward for several years, in this her second time to be called as a RS President. I have absolutely no question about her worthiness, so when I ran into her leaving the grocery store the other day with a 12-pack of beer in her cart I knew she wasn't buying it for herself, but my curiosity was certainly growing as to what the explanation to this would be.

"We had visited briefly, and when I noticed it in her cart I was at such a loss as to how to react I decided not to react at all and to just wait and 'let the Spirit guide'. As soon as I got home, my laughing wife just had to tell me how frantic a phone call she had just received from a very excited RS President explaining that the grocery store sacker had apparently goofed. When she got to her car and started unloading her basket she discovered with horror the beer and realized she had just been in a conversation with her bishop who seemed to cut their conversation short for some reason! She took the beer back in the store and told them it wasn't hers, to which the store employee asked her if she wanted it anyway. She screamed: 'Absolutely not! It has already caused enough damage!'"

--Name withheld by request - TX USA

(From Latter-day Humor)

[Truegrits]

ARE WE COMMUNICATING?

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.

"No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!"