In need of some clean humor!

[sakuragirl]

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.

She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep!

[Dr T]

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

[Truegrits]

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a new Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again.
"Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

[Truegrits]

A Senator, a Clergyman, and a Boy Scout were passengers in a small plane that developed engine trouble. The pilot announced, "We'll have to bail out. Unfortunately, there are only three parachutes. I have a wife and seven small children. My family needs me. I'm taking one of the parachutes and jumping out!"
And he jumped.

Then the Senator said, "I am the smartest politician in the world. The country needs me; I'm taking one of the parachutes."
And he jumped.

The Clergyman said to the Boy Scout, "I've had a good life and yours is still ahead of you. You take the last parachute."

The youth shrugged and said, "Don't need to. There are two parachutes left. The smartest politician in the world just jumped with my knapsack!"

[Truegrits]

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.

Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

[Dr T]

What goes eek, eek, bang?

A mouse in a minefield!

[pam]

A lady went into a pet shop. "I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner.

"We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said. He showed the lady some pale green parakeets.

"That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated. But the pet store owner refused to give up.

"Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet," he said.

[pam]

One day, there was a knock on the pope's office door. When he answered it, the salesman said, "Hello, my management team would like to discuss a proposal with you."

After taking a seat in his office, the salesman said, "I am with Kentucky Fried Chicken. We would like to offer you a contract to the church if you can change the Lord's blessing from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'daily chicken.'"

The pope said, "I'm sorry, we just cannot do that."

The salesman went back to his office where he discussed the outcome of the meeting. He returned to the pope's office a week later with the same proposal, only he had upped the bid to $4 million.

The pope gently declined, again. The next week, the salesman came again and offered the pope an offering of $10 million.

The pope said, "Let me think it over."

The pope then called a meeting with the elders of the church and said, "Well gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. Kentucky Fried Chicken has generously offered us $10 million to change the Lord's Prayer from 'daily bread' to 'daily chicken.'

"The bad news is, we will lose the Wonder Bread contract."

[omega0401]

From Dear Abby: Every time people insist they're right, I recall a story I read somewhere about a husband who insisted that his wife was becoming hard of hearing and planned to prove it.

While working in the back yard one day, he stood a distance behind her and said,
Martha, can you hear me?" No response. Moving closer, he repeated: "Martha, can you hear me?" Still no response. He moved closer still and said, "Now can you hear me?"

She replied, "For the third time, yes".

[Dr T]

What do you call a horse that likes arts and crafts?

A hobby horse.