In need of some clean humor!

[Truegrits]

"HURRY UP!" I yelled to my niece. We were running late for the movies, and she hadn't even gotten in the car.

"It's better to get there late than not at all", she chided.

"That is very good advice. Did your mom teach you that?"

"No. That is what the cop told Mommy last week when he pulled us over."

[Truegrits]

Both of my parents work and lead very busy lives. So my father was bound to forget their wedding anniversary.

Remembering at the last minute, he sped to the stationery store, flew through the door, and breathlessly asked the salesclerk, "Where are the Anniversary cards?"

To his surprise, he heard my mother call out, "Over here, Bill."

[lilered]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $20 million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card... and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men

[lilered]

This is for all of us who are seniors -- for all of you who know seniors -- and for all of you who are only too fast becoming seniors. It pays to be able to be able to laugh about it!

So here's an example of a typical senior moment:


"Where the heck is my Sunday paper?" the irate customer calling the newspaper office demanded loudly.

"Madam," replied the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, Sunday."

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, and then she was heard to mutter: "Well, crap... so that's why no one was at church today."

[Truegrits]

lilered...those two deserved double LOL's...

[pam]

A man returns from Africa and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone at his bedside rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely deadly virus, which is very contagious."

"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the patient.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but...it's the only food we can get under the door."

[pam]

Back in 1996, the Atlanta Olympic Games were tough to get tickets to. Three locals came up with a scheme to sneak in, pretending to be athletes.

The first grabbed a long pipe off his plumber's van and entered, telling the security officer: "Johnson, pole vault."

The second grabbed a hub cap out of his truck, and ran past the guard shouting, "Billy Joe Anderson, discus!"

The last got a large roll of barbed wire from his truck, but was stopped at the gate when he said, "Smith, fencing."

[Dr T]

What did the dolphin say to the whale when he bumped into him?

I didn't do it on porpoise.

[lilered]

"Painting the Church"

There was a Scottish painter named Wayne who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside.

Wayne put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn , surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..




(you're going to love this)













"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

[pam]

Once upon a time, there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch.

The curse prevented the prince from speaking or writing but for only one word each year.

However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words.

One day, he met a beautiful princess and fell madly in love with her.

With the greatest difficulty, he refrained from speaking for 2 whole years so that he could look at her and say, "My darling." But at the end of these 2 years, he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited 3 more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5.

At the end of these 5 years, he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another 4 years without speaking.

Finally, as the 9th year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind her dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"