In need of some clean humor!

[applepansy]

I've been reading. . .but haven't caught up recently so I don't know if this has been posted, so forgive me if it has.

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
> > FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
> > PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
> > TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
> > HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
> > SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
> > WEB PAGES:
> > Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
> > TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
> > EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
> > HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
> > THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

[Palerider]

Mildred the church gossip, and self appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's buisness. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Elmer, a new member of being an alcholic after she saw his old pick up parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Elmer and several others that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing.

Elmer, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny...he said nothing.

Later that evening, Elmer quietly parked his pick up in front of Mildred's house...walked home...and left it there all night.

You gotta love Elmer.

[orrinjelo]

Originally Posted by Palerider

You gotta love Elmer.

Why isn't there a laugh twice button?

[orrinjelo]

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.
Alice: And how do you know that you're mad?
The Cat: To begin with, a dog's not mad. You grant that?
Alice: I suppose so,
The Cat: Well, then, you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.

[lilered]

Quote of the Day


> "Make no mistake, tax cheaters cheat us all, and the
> IRS should enforce our
> laws to the letter. "
>
> ~ Sen. Tom Daschle, Congressional Record, May 7, 1998

[pam]

Originally Posted by Palerider

Mildred the church gossip, and self appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's buisness. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Elmer, a new member of being an alcholic after she saw his old pick up parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Elmer and several others that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing.

Elmer, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny...he said nothing.

Later that evening, Elmer quietly parked his pick up in front of Mildred's house...walked home...and left it there all night.

You gotta love Elmer.

haha good joke except I posted it not long ago. Gotta keep up with the jokes here.

[Dr T]

What is the clumsiest bee?

A bumbling bee.

[pam]

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[pam]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

[pam]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor!

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.