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09-26-2008, 02:55 PM
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Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." she said "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. "See those men standing by the door? They're hushers."
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True Grits "If you have integrity, nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters." (~Alan Simpson~) "If you have men who will exclude any of God's creatures from the shelter of compassion and pity, you will have men who will deal likewise with their fellow men." (~St. Francis of Assisi~)
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09-27-2008, 09:02 AM
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got this one in an email....
How many menopausal women does it take to change a light bulb? Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the stupid light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !! I'm sorry. What was the question?
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Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. -Albert Einstein I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it. -Terry Pratchett If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk? -Peter Laurence
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09-27-2008, 10:53 AM
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   Good one, Gwen! 
__________________
True Grits "If you have integrity, nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters." (~Alan Simpson~) "If you have men who will exclude any of God's creatures from the shelter of compassion and pity, you will have men who will deal likewise with their fellow men." (~St. Francis of Assisi~)
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09-27-2008, 08:41 PM
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There were three retired clergymen who, after eating lunch together, started discussing when "life" truly begins.
The rabbi said, "Life begins at birth". The priest emphatically disagreed and said, "No, life begins at conception." The "discussion" continued for several minutes until they turned to the protestant pastor and asked him what he thought. The wise old pastor said, "Welllll...I think you are BOTH wrong....for me, life began when the last child moved out and the dog died."
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talisyn (01-28-2009) | ||
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09-27-2008, 11:49 PM
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LOLOLOLOL!
That's why there are any given number of light bulbs out any day, and at least one of the bathrooms has a empty toilet paper roll..... or a roll of toilet paper sitting on the counter 4 stinking inches from the roller that it's SUPPOSED to be on. What is it about men and children?????????????????????????????????????????? ???????? Oh well. They're nice to snuggle with. Sister of Jared PS this is NOT a man bash. This is just life as I've experienced it.
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talisyn (01-28-2009) | ||
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09-28-2008, 01:46 AM
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Quote:
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Please visit my new website I've adopted through TheMoreGoodFoundation. I just started it so it's very much a work in progress and will continue to be so. www.ldsplace.com
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talisyn (01-28-2009) | ||
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10-01-2008, 12:46 PM
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Redneck Church
1. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
2. You know you're in a Redneck church if ... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up. 3. You know you're in a Redneck church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. 4. You know you're in a Redneck church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." 5. You know you're in a Redneck church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub. 6. You know you're in a Redneck church if... instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call. 7. You know you're in a Redneck church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks. 8. You know you're in a Redneck church if... "Thou shalt not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
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 When we Christians behave badly, or fail to behave well, we are making Christianity unbelievable to the outside world. -- C.S. Lewis Testimony is to know and to feel, conversion is to do and become. -- Dallin H. Oaks People ask you for criticism, but they only want praise. W. Somerset Maugham
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10-07-2008, 11:51 AM
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After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Anonymous The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want? Dumas I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Sigmund Freud .ExternalClass #EC_yiv1923742125 DIV {;} Hi folks... 'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.' Anonymous 'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.' Sam Kinison 'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.' James Holt McGavra Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Patrick Murra The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... Nash You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Anonymous My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Henny Youngman A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Rodney Dangerfield A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' Anonymous First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' Anonymous First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' Anonymous
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10-08-2008, 10:02 AM
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"Mans Best Friend"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two dogs were walking along the road. One dog stopped and said: "My name is Fido. What's yours? The other dog thought for a minute, and then replied: "I think it's Down Boy." A man was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, "Mark! Mark!". Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking. Again the voice said, "Mark! Mark!". That did it! He took off full speed and didn't stop till he was well outside the gates. As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him. It was a dog with a hare lip. A woman seated at the movies was surprised to find, sitting in the two adjacent seats, a man with his arm around a sheep dog. All through the movie, she noticed the dog watching the picture with apparent understanding, snarling when the villain appeared, yelping happily at the funny parts. At the end of the movie, she tapped the man on the shoulder. "I just can't get over how much your dog enjoyed the movie," she said. "It surprises me too," the man answered, "He absolutely despised the book." My dog is a nuisance. He chases everyone on a bicycle. What can I do? Take his bike away.
__________________
True Grits "If you have integrity, nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters." (~Alan Simpson~) "If you have men who will exclude any of God's creatures from the shelter of compassion and pity, you will have men who will deal likewise with their fellow men." (~St. Francis of Assisi~)
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talisyn (01-28-2009), The_Doctor (11-05-2008) | ||
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10-08-2008, 10:19 AM
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Quote:
 The extra pieces of the crib are still there.
__________________
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? -- Milton Berle Now the trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed. -- C.S. Lewis
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