In need of some clean humor!

[sakuragirl]

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.

''Why?'' he asks.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''

''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''

[sakuragirl]

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

[sakuragirl]

I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. It will be addressed in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the man in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed his children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be them!!!!

[sakuragirl]

A man named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.

He begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

"Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

[Dr T]

Why couldn't the woman buy a bakery shop?

She couldn't raise enough dough.

[sakuragirl]

One day Jesus decided to come down and play a little golf. He brought Moses to caddie for him. He teed off. The ball went high, fell into the top of a tree, bounced off the branches on the way down, hit the ground, rolled down the hill and went into the cup.

Moses said "nice shot,Lord" Jesus looked up and said "thanks DAD"

At the 2nd tee, the ball went way off to the left, bounced off a rock, richochted off a stump and went into the cup. Moses said "nice shot,Lord" Jesus looked up and said "thanks, DAD"

The third tee shot went straight into the lake. Jesus walked out on the water to see if he could find it.

About that time, two old men drove up in a golf cart and seen Him walking around on the lake. One of them says to Moses "Who does he think HE is? Jesus Christ?

Moses replys "He IS Jesus Christ, but He THINKS he's Tiger Woods."

[Dr T]

What did the girl say when the Statue of Liberty sneezed?

God bless America.

[Dr T]

Originally Posted by sakuragirl

Moses replys "He IS Jesus Christ, but He THINKS he's Tiger Woods."

Who? (just kidding I know who Tiger is-I've played with him)

[lilered]

Retirement Dinner
A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25
years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the
congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a
little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own
few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first
confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible
place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he
had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was
able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents,
embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken
illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all
like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and
loving people.'...
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived
full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the
presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,'
said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first
person to go to him for confession.'

Moral :Never, Never, Never Be Late

[orrinjelo]

Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?