In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "Ya know, Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." And every year, Martha would say "I know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs .. and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

So one year Stumpy says, "By Jeebers, Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, and if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs ... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

So the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won't charge you. But just ONE WORD and it's ten dollars."

They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word... so he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."

And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out ... but ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

[pam]

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on


The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

[pam]

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

[pam]

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."

When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.

"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.

[pam]

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there atching over the child.

"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."

[lilered]

Originally Posted by orrinjelo

Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?

Geez, it getting worse. When I went to school it was 3 out of 1!

[Dr T]

H2O is inside a fire hydrant so what's outside of a fire hydrant?

K-9P!

[pam]

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered Martini after Martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Ach, it were nothin', said McQuillan, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

[pam]

A U.S. senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "There is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.

"You will spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

The senator goes down, down, down into hell and finds himself in the middle of a green golf course where all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him are playing.

They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

The senator then visits heaven, joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

They are having such a good time there, too, that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity," says St. Peter.

The senator reflects for a minute. "Well, I would never have said it before -- I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

He finds himself in the middle of a barren desert covered with waste and garbage, where all his friends, dressed in rags, are picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator.

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

[lilered]

FBI job opening

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two
men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the
men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that
you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill
her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my
wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.
Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came
out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The
agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the
room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming,
crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat
from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
beat him to death with the chair.'


MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.