In need of some clean humor!

[MarginOfError]

Originally Posted by Wingnut

That's what I was thinking. Especially some days around my house. The power drill stayed in our bedroom for five months after its last use, putting the baby's crib together. The extra pieces of the crib are still there.

Boy, your husband sounds like a real loser.

[skippy740]

Here's some good ones for recent market turmoil:

Subject: Stock Market Advice

Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON. Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks: American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company.

Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.

It's a tough market out there. Be careful!

Investment tips for 2008

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse
of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of
America this might be some good advice. For all of you with
any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so
that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG
bucks.

Watch for these consolidations later this year:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush,
and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary,
Fuller, Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Bros ., and Zesta Crackers join
forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota
Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .

FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

Fairchild Electronic s and Honeywell Com puters will
become: Fairwell Honeychild.

Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women
will become: Knott NOW!

Here is some new stock market terminology:


CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to
mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no
allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants
as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your
assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears
down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker
for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who
bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked
up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

[Godless]

Some good lightbulb jokes:

How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
21. 1 to change it, and 20 to speculate about the lightbulb's future.

How many liberals does it take to change a lightbulb?
127. 4 to debate about the kind of change that is needed, a committee of 20 to determine which of the 4 has the best solution, 100 to protest about something completely unrelated, one to write a book about how conservatives allowed the lightbulb to go out, one to make a documentary about the same thing, and one to change it when no one else is paying attention.

How many conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
Change? That's just more commie-talk from the radical left.

How many atheists does it take to change a lightbulb? (because if you can't laugh at yourself...)
None. There is no empirical data to support the hypothesis that it needs changing.

How many agnostics does it take to change a lightbulb.
None. There is no way of knowing for sure whether or not it needs changing.

How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb.
3. One to change it, and two witnesses.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb.
None, no one can change the bulb but the bulb itself, and it has to want to change.

How many drunks does it take to change a lightbulb.
No clue. Many have tried, none have succeeded.

[pam]

Originally Posted by MarginOfError

Boy, your husband sounds like a real loser.

Boy he sure does doesn't he? Total loser.

[Truegrits]

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we cannot have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is;

You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie'
in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.

[Hemidakota]

Cartoon: Family History?


From Mormon Life by Arie Van De Graaff

When my siblings and I were young we lived in a town where there was no LDS church. My mother held "church" in our living room to teach her four children the gospel. One Sunday's lesson was on the organization of the church into wards and so on. Posting paper cut out blocks onto a flannel board, she said to us, "Here is a branch. Here is a ward," as she put a second block on top of the first. Placing another block above the others she said, "Here is a stake. Now, what goes on top of the stake?" Excited to know the answer, my four year old sister shouted "Ketchup!" --Tara Bradley - Walla Walla, Washington USA

We had this young man in our ward who had a learn disability. One High Council Sunday my husband get a tap on his shoulder telling him he needed to check his Elders (He was the Elders quorum president at the time) My husband looks around the room and sees Thomas our young man reading the newspaper in Sacrament Meeting. (He had the paper fully open and was turning the pages, and making lots of noise) My husband gets up and walks out of the chapel. On his way out the door he tells the deacon that is standing there to go ask Thomas to meet him in the foyer. When Thomas comes out my husband ask him. What are you doing? He said "reading the paper", My husband told him "You can't read it in the chapel during Sacrament Meeting", Thomas said "Why not, it's boring"-Sue Curcio - West Covina, California, USA

Teaching my young son to pray, one night kneeling by the bed he began saying his prayers. He started very softly, "Heavenly Father", then his voice got softer and I could hardly hear him. Quietly I said, "Michael, I can't hear you." He promptly replied, "I'm not talking to you." --Barbara Axe - Phoenix, Arizona, USA

We were teaching our Primary class about Captain Moroni defeating Zarahemnah and decided to act out how the armies hid themselves. We had two boys in class that day, one Hispanic (Seth) and one Caucasian (Jared). When we told them what we were doing Jared looked at Seth and said, 'I'll be Moroni because I'm white, You can be Zarahemna because he was a lamanite.' I paused to see if this was okay when Seth jumped up and said, 'Okay that's a great idea.' The conversation continued and they discussed how next time Jared would probably be the bad guy because the Nephites weren't always righteous. --Carrie Gross - Orem, Utah, USA

[pam]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do," "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.* "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man in an even tone.* "Did you know that I can cause you profound horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. Yep," was the calm reply.

And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

[Truegrits]

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened!

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

[skippy740]

Originally Posted by Godless

How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb.
3. One to change it, and two witnesses.

And all 3 to be late and 1 to bring the green jello with shredded carrots!

[lilered]

The Gift:

The advertisement read: “Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a Great Gift for the wife”.
Last weekend I saw somethin g at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...........

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pre ssed it agains t a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5'' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "No Way"!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...... ;

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dumbie,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .. .



HOLY MOTHER . . Talk about "WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION" .. WHAT Happened!!!

I'm pret ty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,my privates nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative!

THAT HURT BIGTIME!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed=2 088 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I messed myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my private parts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'