In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

An old lady walked into a newspaper office. She approached an employee and said that her husband had died and that she would like to have an obituary appear in the paper.

The employee gave her a form and told her to write the obituary on it.

She wrote, "Earl W. Worth died Saturday, December 2nd at his home. Services are at The Baptist Church at 3 P.M."

The employee looked at the form and said, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but obituaries are limited to 7 words apiece.

The woman took another form and wrote, "Earl died. '57 Chevy truck for sale."

[pam]

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”

The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”

Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”

Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”

There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

[pam]

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" "To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.

The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.

He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"

[rameumptom]

LETTER FROM A BACKWOODS FARM KID ...

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are.


Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man
Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you
got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M. but I
am getting so I like to sleep late.


Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and
shine
some things.


No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
Practically nothing.


Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there¢s warm water.


Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc.,
but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other
regular food,
But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the city boys that live on
coffee.
Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.


It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on 'route
marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.
If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.


A 'route march' is about as
far as to our mailbox at home.
Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
This will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals
for
shooting.I don't know why.


The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it
ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is
lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own
cartridges.They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle
with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.
It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.


I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in
Silver Lake.I only beat him once.


He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds
and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt
and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto
this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Carol

[pam]

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Brian told his best friend Mike.

"Why not add some intrigue to your life, and have an affair?" his friend suggested.

"But what if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, we are almost on the beginning of the 21st century, Brian. Go ahead and tell her about it!"

So Brian went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that many times - it never worked."

[pam]

John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat.

As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it?

The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968.

John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat?

"No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!"

[pam]

A football coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, - "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer.

Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

[pam]

A guy took his girl friend to her first Longhorn football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied,

"Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: get the quarterback. Get the quarterback! It’s only 25 cents!

[pam]

Emmitt Smith died and went to heaven.

When he got to the pearly gates, St. Peter was waiting for him and issued Emmitt an invitation to play for the HFL- the heaven football league. Emmitt thought about it for a minute and said, "Sure!"

As they walked out to the field, there was a game in progress. Emmitt was stunned. There were a lot of ex-NFL players out on that field. But what he found to be strange was that the jerseys didn't have any numbers. Instead they had letters on them.

So he turned around and questioned St. Peter about the numbers. St. Peter chuckled and told him, "Up here we don't need numbers. The letters stand for the position they are playing, QB is for quarterback, WR is for wide receiver and so on."

Emmitt smile and nodded his head. But as he gazed around the sidelines, he got a perplexed look on his face. On the other side of the field, there was a man wearing a jersey that had the letters TL.

"St. Peter, as you know, I played football many years with the Dallas Cowboys and I am familiar with all the positions. But in all my years I have never seen the position of TL."

St. Peter laughed and said, "Oh yeah, I forgot. That's just God, he likes to pretend that he is Tom Landry."

[Dr T]

A group of friars lived in a monastery. As with many monasteries, the friars found it necessary to run a small business to support themselves. They ran a floral shop. One day one of the friars brought in an exquisite find: a Venus fly trap. It was such a cute thing, they couldn't bear to sell it, so they just kept it on display. But after a while, it grew so big that flies were no longer enough to satisfy it. It ate cockroaches, but it kept growing. It ate mice, but it still kept growing. It ate chipmunks, squirrels, cats, then raccoons and dogs and ponies. Finally the villagers got wise to this and attempted to put a stop to it. But try as they might, no one could. One way or another, the friars outsmarted the townsfolk and raided their farms of large animals. Finally the villagers pooled their money and hired a professional named Hugh to come in and capture the friars. Hugh stormed the monastery, destroyed the fly trap, captured the friars, and turned them over to the police. The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.