In need of some clean humor! - Page 64

pam · #**631** (**permalink**) 02-24-2009, 01:11 PM

The local bar was confident its bartender was the strongest man around so they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The barkeep would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, then hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) had tried over time, but nobody could do it.

One day, a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000 and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the Internal Revenue Service."

pam · #**632** (**permalink**) 02-24-2009, 01:12 PM

"Ma'am, is there a reason why you're weaving all over the road?" the trooper asked the young woman he'd just pulled over.

"Oh officer, thank goodness you're here," the woman said. "I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. So, I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. Then, I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

The officer reached through the side window and pointed to the rear view mirror.
"Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

lilered · #**633** (**permalink**) 02-24-2009, 02:28 PM

THE TINY CABIN .....

A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the
Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia and was on the first tour of her new
territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody home?' she asked.

'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your father there?' asked the social worker.

'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.

'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.

'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.

'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a
family?'

'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door,
this is our outhouse!"

Dr T · #**634** (**permalink**) 02-24-2009, 02:34 PM

What does a spider eat at McDonalds?

A burger and flies!

pam · #**635** (**permalink**) 02-25-2009, 01:22 PM

Convinced the human race is totally wacko? Here are some signs of the times in support of such a view. An example is the hotel-provided shower cap in a box labeled: "Fits one head."

Others spotted include:

On a chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
On an packet of nuts served by an airline: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts."
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
On packaging for an electronic iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
On Nytol, a sleep aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
On a Korean-made kitchen knife: "Warning keep out of children."

Dr T · #**636** (**permalink**) 02-25-2009, 01:32 PM

Those are GREAT Pammy-uplifting thing are really needed right now. thanks for the smile

Godless · #**637** (**permalink**) 02-25-2009, 01:34 PM

Pam, that last post reminds me of a road sign I saw in Kuwait once. I can't for the life of me find a pic of it, but it basically sends the message "Don't jump your motorcycle over cars". I REALLY wish I could find a pic of it, it's too funny!

pam · #**638** (**permalink**) 02-26-2009, 01:14 PM

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Arnold was hired by a warehouse.

One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold ten percent of Arnold's wages to pay for the repairs.

"How much will it cost?" asked Arnold.

"About $4,500," said the owner.

"What a relief!" exclaimed Arnold.

'I've finally got job security!"

pam · #**639** (**permalink**) 02-26-2009, 01:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Godless

Pam, that last post reminds me of a road sign I saw in Kuwait once. I can't for the life of me find a pic of it, but it basically sends the message "Don't jump your motorcycle over cars". I REALLY wish I could find a pic of it, it's too funny!

this is the closest I could come up with.

pam · #**640** (**permalink**) 02-26-2009, 01:18 PM

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery ..."

"Oh no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me ..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

She looked up at Tim. "How did it happen?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda ... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."