In need of some clean humor!

[Godless]

Originally Posted by pam

this is the closest I could come up with.

Ohmigosh!! That's almost identical to the one I was talking about!!! Thanks for finding it for me!

[Maya]

THAT is a norwegean veiskilt it is by the kings castle and says: it dont include when driving to the castle....
So I suppose by the castle you can drive over cars with a motorcycle!


I should find you the one I tok a warning triangle with sheep inside! Or a cow!

[Moksha]

First Slumdog Millionaire and now this:

YouTube - Crazy Indian Video... Buffalaxed!

[lilered]

An EXTREME Redneck When...

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, y'all, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.


16. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

[skippy740]

A twist on the story of the Little Red Hen. Those with liberal views might not find this as humorous as I did.



"Who will help me plant my wheat?" asked the little red hen.

"Not I," said the cow.

"Not I," said the duck.

"Not I," said the pig.

"Not I," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," She planted her crop, and the wheat grew and ripened.

"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.

"Not I," said the duck..

"Out of my classification," said the pig.

"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.

"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.

"Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen.

"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.

"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.

"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.

"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves."

"Excess profits!" cried the cow.
(Nancy Pelosi)

"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck.
(Barbara Boxer)

"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose.
(Jesse Jackson)

The pig just grunted in disdain.
(Ted Kennedy)

And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy."

"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.

"Exactly," said Barack the farmer. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle."

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand."

But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free And all the Liberals smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.

Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared...so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.

EPILOGUE

Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.

Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.

IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?

[skippy740]

The Stimulus Bill Explained


Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?"

The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student agreed.

At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's house. The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.

They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, "First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can." The student did as he was instructed.

The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it." The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told.

The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool.

The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?"

The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper.

The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough.

However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad. The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!"

The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, "Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill."

[skippy740]

"BAIL EM OUT! ???? Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch Brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country and our banking system to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!"

[lilered]

Las vegas churches accept gambling chips!!!


This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in las vegas , but there are more catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshippers at sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.






This is done by the chip monks.

You didn't even see it coming did you ?

[lilered]

Things To Ponder

1) Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2) One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3) Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
4) If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6) I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7) Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8) If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9) If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him -- is he still wrong?
10) If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11) Is there another word for synonym?
12) Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
13) Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14) What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15) If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16) Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17) Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
18) If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19) Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20) Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21) If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
22) Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23) How do blind people know when they are done "wiping?"
24) How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
25) Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
26) What was the best thing before sliced bread?
27) I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are.

[lilered]

More Things To Ponder

Q--How do crazy people go through the forest?
A--They take the psychopath.
Q--What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A--A stick.
Q--What do you call Santa's helpers?
A--Subordinate Clauses.
Q--What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
A--Quattro sinko.
Q--What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A--A pool table.
Q--What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A--A nervous wreck.
Q--What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A--Anyone can roast beef.
Q--Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A--Right where you left him.
Q--Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A--They all have phones.
Q--Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A--They're trying to get away from the noise.
Q--Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A--Because they have big fingers
Q--What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A--The taste.
Q--What is a zebra?
A--26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
Q--Did you hear about the flasher that was thinking about retiring?
A--He decided to stick it out for one more year.
Q--What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A--A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.
Q--What does it mean when the flag is at half-mast at the post office?
A--They're hiring.
Q--What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A--Sanka.