In need of some clean humor!

[lilered]

Husband Down


A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.

[pam]

Dentist begging the patient: "Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?"

Patient: "Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time."

Dentist: "There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game."

[pam]

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

[pam]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his own Sweat-shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'' It depends" I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' PENN STATE '
And they say blondes are dumb...

[pam]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'



'Only when he's been drinking.'

[lilered]

Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
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Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
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Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.
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It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one..
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The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
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When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
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People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
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Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
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Quit griping about your ward; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
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If the ward wants a better Bishop, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
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God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
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Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
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Peace starts with a smile.
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I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
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A lot of church members who are singing 'Standing on the Promises' are just sitting on the premises.
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We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
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Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
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Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
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Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
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Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
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Forbidden fruits create many jams.
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God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
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God grades on the cross, not the curve.
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God loves everyone, but probably prefers 'fruit of the spirit' over a 'religious nut!'
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God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
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He who angers you, controls you!
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If God is your co-pilot - swap seats!
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Prayer:
Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
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The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
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The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace
of God will not protect you.
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We don't change the message; the message changes us.
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You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
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[lilered]

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes
of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she
applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma,
you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!' I will probably never put
lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper
good-bye...





2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He
asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment, and
then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'




3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the
children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she
heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'


4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood
was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond=2 0and I had a swing made from a
tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked
wild raspberries in the woods.' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this
all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'




5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how
you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo and I said, 'No, how are
we alike?'' You're both very old,' he replied.




6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's
PC. She told him she was writing a story. 'What's it about?' he
asked. 'I don't know,' she replied. 'I can't read.




7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was.
She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued.
At last she headed for the door, saying, 'Grandma, I think you should try to
figure out some of these yourself!'




8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy
whispered, 'It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with
flashlights.'




9. When my grandson asked me how old I20was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not
sure.' 'Look in your underwear,Grandpa,' he advised. 'Mine says I'm four to
six.'




10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmother,
more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting,'
she said, 'how do you make babies? ''It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You
just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.'




11.. Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a
teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.'
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant
means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means
carrying a child.'




12. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the
truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's
duties.' They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child. 'No,' said
another. 'He's just for good luck.' A third child brought the argument to a
close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants.

[pam]

Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

Have you ever noticed I've had this one on my signature for ages.

[lilered]

Originally Posted by pam

Have you ever noticed I've had this one on my signature for ages.

Yes, as a matter of fact I did, but like all good quotes, they are worth repeating.

[Godless]

The Creed of the Specialist (Army)

No one gets away with more than I. I am a non Non-Commissioned Officer, a beast of burden. As a junior enlisted soldier I realize that I am a member of an under appreciated, much chastised group of soldiers which is known as the ribcage, or perhaps pancreas, of the Army.

I am proud of myself and my fellow Specialists and will continue to whine and sham until the absolute last second, regardless of the mission at hand. I will use my grade and position to avoid responsibility, accountability and any sense of presence of mind.

Ignorance is my watchword. My two best excuses will always be on the tip of my tongue "I didn't know," and "It wasn't me." I will strive to remain invisible and unavailable for details. Never ever volunteer for anything is my rallying cry.

I am aware of my role as a SPC and if you need me for anything, I'll be on appointment. I know the other soldiers, and I will always refer to them by their first name, or in some cases, derogatory nickname. On weekends or days off, I will consistently drink myself into oblivion, and I will never answer my phone. I understand that for a person in my hierarchical position, rewards are going to be few and far between, and punishment will always be swift and severe.

Officers of my unit will have maximum time to accomplish their duties, because I will be accomplishing them for them. I will kiss up to their face and badmouth them behind their back, just like everyone else. I will be loyal to those with home I serve, provided there's something in it for me. I am the last bastion of common sense that stands between me and the Army philosophy of "Work Harder, Not Smarter." My voice is a tool and my complaints are a weapon that I wield with unmatched skill and finesse. I will not forget, nor will I allow my comrades to forget, Specialist is the greatest rank in the Army and rank has its privileges.