In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

I really like this one.

[pam]

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "Any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them.

"Yeah, looks like it"

"Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again ...

"Yup ... nope ... yup ... nope ... yup ... nope ... yup ..."

[pam]

A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint. "Well it's like this, Doc," he said.

"When I drive to work in the morning, through the country lanes, I start to sing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' If I see a cat, then it's 'What's New, Pussy Cat?"

It's so embarrassing, even when I'm asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, it was 'Delilah,' and my wife was not amused!"

Said the doctor, "It would appear that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Well I've never heard of that. Is it common?" asked the man.

"It's Not Unusual," the doctor replied.

[pam]

Seems some employees are truly keen on seeing their boss have a good time on his trip Down Under, as witness the following itinerary.

"To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows:

• Day 1: The "10 Deadliest Snakes" Fall Tour. You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the world's 10 most deadly snakes.
• Day 2: The "Great White Encounter." You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of the Great White shark.
• Day 3: The Aboriginal "Festival of Spears." You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation of the aboriginal race, with free liquor and a special weapons exhibition.
• Day 4: The "Crocodile Dundee" Petting Zoo. You will be able to get up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a croc-wrestling exhibition.
• Day 5: "Those Marvelous Morays." This tour will once again return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of Stubby Hand Reef.

We, your loyal employees, hope you enjoy the trip!

[lilered]

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.


"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."


He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""


Nah, she can order for herself."


And then the fight started...

[lilered]

Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said,'Your heart would be just below your left breast.'


Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to the knee.

[lilered]

Child Science Exam Answers

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.. Th e brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight

[lilered]

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'
The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!! So
many men dying that way!'
Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and
there is always that risk involved.'
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a
Brazilian?'

[Vort]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his own Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'' It depends" I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' PENN STATE '

And they say blondes are dumb...

But look who married him!

At least it didn't say "State Pen".

[lilered]

WIFELY DUTIES


Three men were sitting together discussing about how they had given their new wives her duties.

The first man had married a woman from Colorado and had told her that she was going to do dishes and housecleaning.

It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.


The second man had married a woman from Nebraska . He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.

The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.

By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a mormon girl from Utah. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. They were also going to have 12 kids over the next 9 years.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.