In need of some clean humor!

[Moksha]

I didn't realize he was Mormon until I saw that plate of green Jell-O in front of him.

[pam]

I got this in an email from my brother today.

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

[pam]

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.

Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die.

No amount of talking helped. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear.

Sammy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"

[Berean]

ok, this is the true, bigoted version upon request...

an Englishman, an American and a Scotsman walk into a bar...

they all order an alcoholic beverage and each finds a fly...

The Englishman sends it back complaining.
The American takes the fly out and drinks it.
The Scotsman says "Spit it out you (explitive)"
...sorry I like the dumb one better as my brother in law is Scottish.

and I hope I did not offend anyone...no more bigoted jokes for me, but thanks for the link.

[Wingnut]

Originally Posted by Berean

ok, this is the true, bigoted version upon request...

an Englishman, an American and a Scotsman walk into a bar...

they all order an alcoholic beverage and each finds a fly...

The Englishman sends it back complaining.
The American takes the fly out and drinks it.
The Scotsman says "Spit it out you (explitive)"
...sorry I like the dumb one better as my brother in law is Scottish.

and I hope I did not offend anyone...no more bigoted jokes for me, but thanks for the link.

The version I've heard is still different (and meaner) than that.

[Berean]

Does it make it any meaner if I say the Scotsman calls the fly questions the fly's parentage and the marital status of his mother at the time of his conception?

[pam]

A couple was touring the capitol in Washington, DC, and the guide pointed out a tall, benevolent gentleman as the congressional chaplain.

The lady asked, "What does the chaplain do? Does he pray for the Senate or House?"

The guide answered, "No, he gets up, looks at both houses of Congress, then prays for the country!"

[pam]

Mastering a vessel at sea is a matter of fundamentals -- or at least the crew thought so.

In the case of the late Capt. Blather, things were different. Although he was admired by his officers and crew, there was a lingering note of concern.

Every day while at sea he would lock himself in his cabin and open a small safe, take out an envelope with a note and read the note inside. After locking the paper back in the safe, he would return to his duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

The day came that the captain died and the crew buried him at sea. After the ceremony, the first mate led the entire crew to the captain's quarters. There he opened the safe and the envelope and read the words aloud to an astonished crew:
"Always remember, Port: Left, Starboard: Right."

[lilered]

Some more things to Ponder

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it



Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.


A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory

I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other


Can we Preserve the Spotted Owl
(in formaldehyde)




When you work here,
you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".




Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.




I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes. Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

[lilered]

Retribution of Wealth after Death!!

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her portrait painted by a famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant." "But you are not wearing any of those things." "I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I wamt her to go nuts looking for the jewelry