In need of some clean humor!

[Truegrits]

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.


One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.


My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.


The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.


Sometimes I think I understand everything; then I regain consciousness.


Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat."
Now I've forgotten my address, my keys, even my mother's maiden name; But I have never forgotten to eat!


I know what Victoria's Secret is.
The secret is, that nobody older than 20 can fit into their stuff.

[pam]

A businessman is in a great deal of trouble. He has put everything into his business and it is still failing. He owes everybody. In fact, things have gotten so bad that he contemplates suicide.

As a last resort, he goes to a priest and pours out his story of tears and woe. When he has finished, the priest says, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible. The wind will riffle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer. That will tell you what to do."

A year later, the businessman goes back to the priest and brings his wife and children with him. The man is in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulls an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, and gives it to the priest as a donation as thanks for his advice.

The priest recognizes the benefactor, of course, and is curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asks.

"Absolutely," the businessman replies.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages riffle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

[hethathathears]

When my number 2 son was 5 he lost a tooth. He put it under his pillow hoping for great revenue. Dad left the tooth fairy business up to his wife as he didn't know that his son lost as tooth as he got home at 11:00 P.M. Mom forgot all about the tooth until our 5 year old came in crying the next morning. He lamented, "Oh, the tooth fairy doesn't love me. She didn't leave me any money." To which my wife, quickly grabbed some money and as she pretended to check in the pillow case pulled out a couple of dollars that made my son very happy. Now he knew that the tooth fairy loved him. Later on that day, my son came up to my wife and asked, "Mom, can I put my tooth under my pillow again tonight?" My wife smiled and said, "I'm sorry Chris, but you can't collect twice on the same tooth." To which my son responded, "No not so I can get more money, but so the tooth fairt won't get in trouble for not turning in a tooth." To bad they have to grow up. He is not 18 and not so warm and fuzzy.

[Truegrits]

[Godless]

Redneck Hurricane Survival checklist

Toilet Paper .................... check

7Up ............................check

Bud Light ........................ check

Keystone Ice ................ check

Budweiser .................. check

Red Dog ........................ check

Misc. other bottles of alcohol ............ check

Piece of plywood to float your old lady and booze on.............. check

[lilered]

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer : Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer : Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer : Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer : Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer : You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

[lilered]

Originally Posted by Godless

Redneck Hurricane Survival checklist

Toilet Paper .................... check

7Up ............................check

Bud Light ........................ check

Keystone Ice ................ check

Budweiser .................. check

Red Dog ........................ check

Misc. other bottles of alcohol ............ check

Piece of plywood to float your old lady and booze on.............. check

My wife and I didn't appreciate you using our picture without our permission.

[Truegrits]

In the Hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I have bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news.
After a long period of silence, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. One man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence, and explained to the waiting group..."It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."

[pam]

There was a priest that loved to stream fish. One year there was a problem. Every time he had a chance to go fishing the weather was bad or it was on Sunday, when he had to work. All year he was unable to go. Finally it was the last week before the streams closed. The weather was bad all week until Sunday, when the weather was perfect. The priest could not resist, he called a fellow priest claiming to be very sick and asked if he could take over his sermon.

The fly-fishing priest drove over 200 miles, not wishing to see anyone he knew. An angel seeing the priest playing hooky went to God and said "You're not going to let him get away with this are you?". God agreed he should do something.

The first cast the priest made was perfect. The fly floated past a log and a huge mouth gulped the fly down. For 45 minutes the priest ran up and down the stream fighting the mighty fish. At the end he held a 50" world record rainbow trout. Confused the angel asked God, "What are you doing?" God replied "Think about it, who's he going to tell?"

[Truegrits]

"Think about it, who's he going to tell?"