In need of some clean humor!

[Madriglace]

A little girl comes home from school in tears, her mother asks her what the problem is. The little girl tells her mom that her teacher called her a scurvy elephant. The mother immediately goes to the school to have a word with the teacher. When asked why the teacher called the little girl such awful names she replied that she didn't say the girl was a scurvy elephant but that she was a disturbing element.

[Madriglace]

A man on his way home one night cuts through a cemetary to save time. As he is walking he falls into a freshly dug grave. Hours later a drunk on his way home wanders through the same cemetary and hears a voice crying "I'm cold, I'm cold" ... the drunk walks over to the open grave, looks in and says "Well no wonder, you kicked all the dirt off!"

[pam]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[pam]

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself.

Then he understood why...

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words:

Psycho-
the-
rapist

[pam]

God made men and women to complement each other with the unique traits each were given ...


WOMEN: Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens; yet they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend, after a snowy drive home.

They are childcare workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes and your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans and uniforms. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up against injustice. They walk and talk the extra mile to get their kids into the right schools and to get their family the right health care. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. Women are honest, loyal and forgiving. They are smart, they know that knowledge is power, but they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends and themselves.

Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in houses, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or email you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin. Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want in return is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same for people you come in contact with.


MEN: Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing bugs.

[pam]

Two old friends meet passing on the street one day. But one looked forlorn, and almost on the verge of tears.

His friend asked, "What had the world done to you, my old friend?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."

"That's not bad."

"But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew kicked the bucket, and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."

"Sounds like you should be grateful..."

"You don't understand!" he interrupted. "Last week my great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."

Now he was really confused. "Then, how come you look so glum?"

"This week... nothing!"

[pam]

Two medical students are in the hospital cafeteria having lunch when a classmate rushes in excitedly and sits down next to them.

"I've just decided on my specialty," he says. "Mothers-in-law."

"Mothers-in-law?" one of the others asks. "Why?"

"Well," he says, "if the mother-in-law gets better, the daughter is going to pay me very well. And if she dies, the son-in-law will pay me double."

[pam]

A young couple was expecting a visit from the pastor of their church. They wanted everything to go smoothly, but their two year old son was just getting the hang of potty training.

He was at the stage where he would announce at the top of his voice, "I gotta pee," when he had to go to the bathroom.

His father, worried that this might be embarrassing when the minister came to call, instructed the child, "Don't shout that you've got to pee. Whisper!"

That evening the pastor makes his visit. He's there a very long time and the two year old is on one foot and the other.

Finally, the minister asks him, "What's the matter, son?"

The child looks at his dad and says, "I've gotta whisper!"

The Pastor answered, "It's all right, child. Whisper in my ear."

[pam]

One day a husband was chiding his beautiful blonde wife about leaving her keys in the ignition of her car.

"If I take them out of the car I lose them," she reasoned.

"Yes dear, but what if someone steals your car?" the husband countered.

"Oh that's okay," the wife chirped happily, "I keep a spare key in the glove box!"

[pam]

The big event of the day at school was the children having their school pictures taken.The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."