In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

I had parked my car in the supermarket parking lot and was walking past an empty cart when I heard a female voice say, "Mister, are you using that cart?"

"No," I answered. "I'm only after one thing."

As I walked toward the store, I heard her murmur, "Typical male."

[skippy740]

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.

[skippy740]

Pajamas Media

Government Motors (GM) Unveils its First Model!

The Obama of automobiles is the vehicle all responsible citizens have been waiting for.

April 1, 2009 - by Frank J. Fleming

I have some exciting news to tell you. For the first time ever, you will have a car that’s been made using the full efforts of the federal government. That’s right; the same entity that once got man to the moon will now get you to the grocery store. Yes, unlike the moon, you’ve been to the store before, but never with the style and efficiency of a vehicle designed by your United States government.

Now that President Barack Obama is wielding greater control of the auto industry, he’s decided it’s time to design a vehicle fit for this new era. He got a thousand of the government’s best and brightest (995 lawyers and politicians and five engineers) to design a car fit for the needs of the twenty-first century while including forward-thinking sensibilities. This new car is called the B-ROC and it is truly the Obama of automobiles. Here are some preliminary features:

- The B-ROC will be efficiently sized so as to be no bigger than needed to transport a driver, his or her life partner, one optional child, and three bags of groceries of average weight (i.e., not all canned food).

- The B-ROC will boast a reasonable, fuel-efficient acceleration of zero to sixty in twenty seconds (this is based on a theoretical model capable of reaching a speed of sixty miles per hour).

- The B-ROC will be able to maintain a speed of almost fifteen times the average human walking speed. That’s faster than most land animals and still relatively safe.
Rest assured you’ll be noticed driving the new B-ROC, as it will be colored bright orange for high visibility to pedestrians and wildlife.

- To fight noise pollution, instead of a horn, the B-ROC will include a booklet of hand signals to communicate with fellow drivers in a more efficient and exact manner.
Similar to the popular OnStar system, the B-ROC will come standard with the BigBrother system. This will allow the government to keep track of where you are and what you’re saying. And if you were hoping OnStar would one day monitor for speech insensitive to race, gender, or sexual preference, then you’re going to love BigBrother! And if you’re ever in need, a helpful government social worker will be one button away with a wait time guaranteed to be no more than six hours (for safety reasons, the B-ROC must be parked during two-way communications). Never be afraid; BigBrother is watching you!

- Remote access will allow the government to open your B-ROC for you if you accidentally lock your keys inside. It will also allow the government to lock you inside if they feel they need to for your own safety

- The B-ROC’s engine will also come equipped with remote cutoff to prevent theft or stop someone from driving who is delinquent on his taxes (members of Congress and White House staff can have this feature disabled at no extra charge).

- The B-ROC will be the most environmentally friendly automobile ever designed. Not only will it have low emissions, it will be 85 percent biodegradable and will begin to slowly decompose soon after it’s driven off the lot.

- The B-ROC will support all kinds of alternative fuels, from alcohol to water (as long as it’s also filled with gasoline).

- Instead of simply recording your mileage, the BROC will also make helpful suggestions about walking when it feels you’ve been driving more than necessary. It will additionally be able to enforce these suggestions in times of fuel-shortages or other emergency situations yet to be determined.

- While the B-ROC will normally not include a cigarette lighter, it can be added as an extra option if the purchaser has a medicinal marijuana prescription.

- For entertainment, the B-ROC will include a radio capable of receiving NPR and other stations with approved, politically balanced content.

The expected price of the B-ROC will be $100,000. Though the materials’ cost is estimated at $5,000, the government will still be selling it at a loss due to labor costs from the new union contract the Democrat-controlled Congress just negotiated. Government aid will be offered to those unable to afford the price but able to show a need for faster-than-human-powered transport.

Unfortunately, the revolutionary B-ROC has already become the subject of negative rumors. Some are claiming the B-ROC is secretly Muslim, but this is untrue; it merely includes both an indicator of which side the gas tank is on and which way is Mecca as a bow to cultural sensitivity. Some have also labeled the B-ROC a “death trap,” but that is grossly unfair. While it is true that nearly all collisions with traditional automobiles will most likely prove fatal to the passengers of the B-ROC, collisions between B-ROCs will be highly survivable, and eventually those will be the only vehicles legal to drive on this nation’s highways. Estimates for B-ROC-related fatalities during this transitional period are as low as 100,000 (plus an additional 10,000 suicides from those who are unable to properly adjust to driving a B-ROC). So don’t listen to the doubters; the B-ROC is the vehicle all responsible citizens have been waiting for.

The B-ROC: It’s from the government, and it’s here to get you places!

[wonderingme]

My mother was a Sunbeam teacher. The Primary President's four-year-old son was in her class. They had a wonderful Mother's Day lesson and talked about everything their mothers do for them. She had them draw a picture of their mommy to take home.

The Primary President's son, like the other children, draws a picture. It is a suprisingly anatomically correct picture of a naked lady. My mother, a bit concerned at where he might have gotten the details, asked, "And what is your picture about?" To which the sweet little boy answered, "That's my Mommy walking around in the morning!"

[ReubenDunn]

Grandma Mary went to the veterinarians office one morning, carrying her pet parrot ‘Polly’ in her cage. Polly was lying on her back, beak up, stiff as a board.

“Well, Mary,” the vet. said. “What seems to be the problem?”

“Dr., it’s Polly, I woke up this morning and found her like this. She won’t move. What’s wrong with her?”

The vet, knowing full well what was wrong with Polly, and knowing how devoted Grandma Mary was to the bird, took the caged bird, and Grandma into the examination room.

He opened the cage, took the bird out and laid it on the examining table. He took his stethoscope and placed it on the birds chest for a few seconds. Afterwards, he turned to Grandma and said,

“Mary, I’m sorry to have to tell you this but Polly is dead. But be comforted, it looks like there was no pain.”

“Dead?!!” Mary exclaimed? “I don’t believe it!” “I refuse to believe it!” “I want a second opinon!”

The vet. tried to calm Mary down, but Mary continued to insist on getting a second opinion. Heaving a small sigh, the Vet. left Mary and walked out of the examining room.

A few minutes later he came back into the room, carrying a cat in one hand, and, holding a leash that was attached to the collar of a golden Labrador Retriever.

Approaching the table the vet let go of the cat who ran and jumped onto the table, sniffed the still parrot from beak to tail. The cat looked at both the Dr. and at Mary, shook its head from side to side, then jumped off of the table, and ran through a small cat flap in the door leading out of the examination room.

The vet. let go of the leash. The dog trotted up to the table, stood on its hind legs, and, with the front paws leaning on the table, also sniffed the bird from beak to tail. The dog likewise looked at Mary and the Vet, and also shook her head from side to side, pushed her paws off of the table, and went through a dog flap in the same doorway leading out of the room.

“Mary, I’m sorry to say, it’s been confirmed. The bird sadly has died.”

Grandma began to quietly cry, she really was going to miss that bird.

As they were gathering the remains and the cage and were walking out of the room, Mary turned to toward the Vet. and asked how much he was going to charge for the exam.

“$500.00.” was the reply!

“What!??!!” “$500.00 just to tell me that my bird has died?” “THAT”S outrageous!”

“Well Mary,” the vet. said. “Normally the fee for this would be $20.00, but with the Cat scan, and the Lab Tests thrown in.....”

[pam]

I want to laugh at just you laughing at your own joke. hahahaha

But the joke is funny.

[pam]

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."

"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man.

"Well, the parrot knows how to use a computer," the shop owner says.

"How about the one in the middle?" the man asks.

"It's $1,000. It can do everything the other parrot can do, and it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."

"And the one on the right?" the man asks.

"$2,000," the shop owner says.

The customer whistles. "What can that one do?"

"To be honest," says the shop owner, "I have never seen it do a thing. But the other two call him 'Boss.'"

[pam]

A man gets interested in birds, and especially owls. He studies them in bird books, and then he starts going out to his backyard every night and hooting like an owl.

Then, one night, an owl hoots back, and for a year the man and the owl hoot back and forth. The man keeps a log of the calls. He begins to think he is on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication.

One day, his wife is at a party with a neighbor in the next block, and she confesses, "My husband has taken up the strangest hobby. He spends his nights calling out to some owl."

"Isn't that an odd coincidence?" her neighbor replies. "So does my husband."

[pam]

A man, his wife, and his mother in law went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there the mother in law passed away. The undertaker told them " You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother in law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here in the Holy Land and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead." "I just can't take that chance."

[daenvgiell]

Originally Posted by pam

A man, his wife, and his mother in law went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there the mother in law passed away. The undertaker told them " You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother in law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here in the Holy Land and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead." "I just can't take that chance."

HAHA I've heard that one before, but it still makes me laugh!