In need of some clean humor!

[skippy740]

A French doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

The Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

An American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work."

[pam]

At her father's wake, a woman tells a priest that ever since she was a child, she and her dad had discussed life after death, and they had agreed that whoever went first would contact the other.

"I do expect to hear from him at any time," she told the skeptical priest.

A few days later, the smoke detector alarm in her garage went off. There was no fire, and she had to call the security company that installed it.

The next morning it went off again, and then it dawned on her.

"OK, Dad," she said out loud. "I missed your signal yesterday, but I get it now.

Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again."

The alarm immediately stopped, and she called the priest to tell him of the good news.

"Dear lady," the priest says gently, "if every time your father sends you a message it sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you think he's calling from?"

[pam]

A young man is filling out a job application. When he comes to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he checks the "No" box.

The next question is intended for people who answer "Yes," of course. It's "Why?"

The applicant answers it anyway. "Never got caught."

[pam]

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

[pam]

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

[pam]

A Southwest Airlines captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip.

Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[pam]

A child is playing in a park with her parents, and runs to her mother.

"Mommy, I love you," she says.

"And I love you, dear. And you should tell that to Daddy, too."

The child turns to her father.

"Daddy," she says, "I love Mommy."

[pam]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

Ernest Hemingway: To die in the rain. Alone.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road and that was good enough.

Barbara Walters: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together -- in peace.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx: It was an historic inevitability.

Captain Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

Sigmund Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates: I have just witnessed eChicken2009, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. And, also, Internet Explorer is an integral part of chicken.

Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Martha Stewart: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

The Bible: And God came down from heaven, and He said unto the chicken, "THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD." And the chicken did cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Colonel Sanders: Did I miss one?

[skippy740]

Martin Luther King, Jr: - I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross the road without having their motives called into question.

[talisyn]

Why did the elephant paint it's toenails red?




So it could hide in the cherry tree